Published August 9, 2011
Yeah.... I got mad.
You don't even know,
You stupid, clueless boy,
That the way that you've been treating me
Has made my heart a toy.
You don't even realize,
You foolish, bumbling lout,
That my whole world was wrapped in you--
And now I feel left out.
You can't even comprehend,
You selfish, spacey jerk,
That my heart bleeds because of you--
There's more to life than work!
You don't even understand,
You careless, stumbling dude,
How thoroughly you've wrenched my heart--
I've had enough of you!
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138,933 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
Awesome!
This was a truly good read! I like how you've managed to include so many emotions into one piece of writing.
"One person can't feel all that, they'd explode!"
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon."
Harry Potter came to mind there... as it always does *sigh*
The theme in this poem was very easy to relate to as we've all been there and can sympathise with what you're going through. I often find writing is a good form of leeting out my emotions and you've certainly done this clearly. I hope it all gets better!
Haha, I love how you really, truly manage to express your feelings through this piece. Your anger is hard to miss so to say. When it comes to the structure and stuff I didn't find any mistakes, both rythm and flow went on smoothly! Most rhymes were really good but I find this line a bit out of place; "There's more to life than work!" before this we hadn't heard an ounce of work? I feel like the poem would be better without this line anyhows
The content of this piece was good though, the theme is something I believe many can recognize and even if one haven't experienced something like this I almost felt as angry as you and that's really impressive of you. "If it makes you feel, then it's real!" That's what I say when a poem really gets to me, and that's what I'm saying to you because I really think you got the emotions through!! Nice job!!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
If you're going to eviscerate someone with words, it helps to have a cool head, so you can use your razor wit. You are bending the lines around to fit chosen rhymes and that make it sound a little Dr Seuss, which makes 'dude/you' particularly ineffective. 'Heart bleeds' is cliche, 'wrenched my heart' is cliche archaic, come on sister! Hit him where it hurts! So you want to rip him apart, he's treated you badly, clearly he doesn't care about your heart, so referring to it won't affect him. Show him for what he really is, pick out annoying details. Read some Dorothy Parker poems, you would enjoy her, she is unpretentious, real, and knows how to tear someone a new one. You're being too kind to him
I love how this poem was sad and comedic at the same time. I liked how it was a paradox; it represented your mixed feelings about your friend moving, that you loved him but mad that he's going. Your rhyme was even and balanced, and the descriptive adjectives were great! You used them well. On the last stanza you let me down. I felt you could've used better vocabulary, especially on the "dude" line. But nonetheless it's clever.
Sincerely,
Klotrox
P.S. totally unrelated but would you review my short story "Tremolo"?