It was weird, how it happened.
I'm just not sure how. It's like it came to me in a dream, took hold of me and possessed me.
I often think of her, now that I've had time to grow and think about the life I've lived so far. The weird way her hair pulled into her bun, like a thin blond bird nest. The way she dressed, it seemed she wore the same clothes everyday and I loved the cool summer breezes that would bring relief from the sun in our play.
Just thinking about her now makes me aware of how much I've lost, and how much I can't ever gain again. It was once in a lifetime and I suppose it would have to stay that way.
I was in the phase of going from an only child to older sibling when I first transferred to Osprey Elementary.
It was nothing new to me. Switching schools, I mean. You get used to it after a while.
We had gone all over the states, moving. I hated it. Especially then, because I wanted to stay in California longer. My mom and I had been staying with my family there.
My second Michigander morning was terrible: a hurried breakfast, wondering what to wear, all finally ending with me standing at the door of the second-grade classroom.
My was mother behind me, pushing my back to go further into the room. I moved away from her touch.
"Okay kids. We have a new student today. Her name is Marisol. She came a little late in the school year, I know, but that's alright! We'll make her feel welcome anyway."
I stared amongst the faces, not spotting anything or anyone of interest as far as I could tell.
My mother and my already annoying teacher were talking now. I continued to stare. I noticed some boys sniggering in my direction, and I made a face at them. They stopped, and I was a little surprised. Usually, kids in the West would take that bait and move in for the kill, which I expected from these low landers. Guess not.
Feeling silly at my miscalculated judgment, I looked back at my mother, who was still talking. I thought she was explaining what a tough year my new teacher was going to have with me. She wasn't. She never did, actually, so I don't know why I'd had the thought in the first place. My mother was a really irritating idealist, who always gave people the benefit of the doubt, and saw people based on their character, not on their appearance. I hated her outlook on life. In fact, I think I actually might have hated her. She always packed up my things and told me to get ready. She never told me why. We just went.
Someone brushed past me, late to class. She was weird-looking, that was my first impression. Her hair looked ratty, corn silk white and tied up an a petrified knot. She had a mid-length skirt over worn leggings with 'whatever' sneakers. Her shirt was the traditional, girly graphic of a pony or something, I don't remember. But that wasn't it. There was something about her. I'm not sure even now what it was.
“Marisol.” My mother. She had this way of quietly saying things loud enough for everyone to hear. I felt embarrassment growing thick and uncomfortable in my stomach. “Listen. I want you to try and make friends here, okay?”
The feeling of her kiss was still on my cheek when the teacher asked me if I'd like to say anything to the class. I shook my head, face burning.
“Well, my name is Mrs. Brenner. Let's tell Mari our names in three, two, one!”
A confusion of noise excited the room for a few seconds. Everyone was trying to be heard over everyone else, and some repeated their own names, just in case. It was a mess.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hello!
Interesting opening. It makes me wonder what "it" is and what was weird about it.
I think this could be combined with the sentence before it into one paragraph. The thoughts are pretty similar in my opinion.
So I'm guessing this introduction is taking place after the events of the novel - like the MC is looking back on his/her life?
Bold part - You used weird a couple of sentences ago, so try to think of a different word here. Also, try to avoid that repetition of "her". You could do something like "...weird way she pulled her hair into a bun..."
Underlined part - What's significant about her seeming to wear the same clothes every day? Does the narrator like that about her? Dislike that? I'm not really sure how the narrator feels about this girl. Also, I'm not sure what the second half of that sentence (after the and) has to do with the first part. They feel like two separate thoughts to me.
"in the phase" implies that this is something that lots of people go through. And I suppose it is, but typically people don't remember that period of their life. I would try some different phrasing at the beginning. "I was transitioning from being an only child...", "I was becoming an older sibling for the first time when..."
Not a fan of the "moving" tacked on at the end. I would put it in the middle of the sentence.
I liked this bit. Good descriptions and tone.
I liked this paragraph, too. Good insight on your characters. I slashed that one bit because the character says "I don't know why I had that thought in the first place" - so all of her thoughts before then felt unnecessary to me. We get a good enough idea of what her relationship with her mother is like without that.
The slashed part is redundant.
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Funny image, but kind of a strange place to stop. Personally, I would like it to loop back around to the girl - maybe Marisol manages to hear her name through the craziness.
Interesting opener! I have a lot of questions, which is good because it'll keep me reading.
Overall, it was pretty good stylistically and technically. A couple of things to thing about:
1. Descriptions - I want more. I know this is just an introduction, but the only person I really know anything about is this "girl". Take me to this classroom - paint me a picture of what it looks like and what the teacher looks like and what her mom looks like. You have a really concise, snappy writing style (which I really, really like - I typically fall into that category, too), but you can still paint us some beautiful pictures
2. So we have Marisol and this unnamed girl. I'm assuming this unnamed girl is going to be really important to Marisol throughout the story, but I'm curious in what way. Is this going to be a friendship thing or a romantic thing? You don't have to give it all away in the introduction obviously, but I'd like a little more about what direction this is going in.
3. Sort of related to #2 - Marisol mentions there's something about unnamed girl that she can't quite put her finger on. I'd like a little taste of what that's about. Is it the aura around this girl, something about her appearance, the way she walks/talks? You don't have to give it all away, but I'd like a little something more about exactly what she means. I appreciate that you're trying to create some mystery here (which is good, and you've certainly done that!) but just so I get a better feel of where this is going, I'd like a little more
But I think you have an interesting start here! There are plenty of things I'd like to figure out, so I'll be reading on
Let me know if anything was confusing or if you have any questions about something I've said!
This sentence "The way she dressed, it seemed she wore the same clothes everyday and I loved the cool summer breezes that would bring relief from the sun in our play." is a little confusing. Perhaps you could rephrase it a little.
"Her hair looked ratty, corn silk white and tied up an a petrified knot." I think you could change the sentence to something like "Her hair was a ratty, corn silk white and tied up in a petrified knot."
Also, "She was weird-looking, that was my first impression." needs to be rephrased also, because it is a little awkward. Maybe you could say "My first impression of her was that she was weird-looking."
I think this submission fits better in between {1} and {2}, or after {2}. I don't really know.
Keep up the good work!
Hello! Happy Review Day! EternalRain here for a short review!
First off, man, I love your character already. I don't know why. She just seems spunky and awesome, but such a troublemaker at the same time. I also love her name - it's very creative.
One nitpick ...
*my
Haha, I love the ending of this - it seems really realistic, and what a second grade teacher would actually say to her students. Also, the fact that it was all together was very nice.
You did a nice job describing things, but without going over board. You made it sound interesting. For example, when Mari was describing the girl who came to class late, you used beautiful wording and such that made it interesting.
The last thing I wanted to say - title? I seems you have no title for your story.
Anyways, keep writing! I love this so far - if you could tell me when the next chapter is out, that'd be great!
~ EternalRain
Hey! It's UnknownWriter for a review!
This is a pretty good story start. You did good in introducing the story. But I think you could work on comma placement. I sometimes saw some sentences (haha accidental alliteration!) that have two or three commas per line and some were sort of unnecessary. Also the story sort of feels like the MC is just 'telling' the story and not 'showing' it to the readers. There are some parts where you did good at providing a sense of imagery but you can expand upon that and make the story really come alive. Suggestion: you can combine the one sentence paragraphs because they sort of disrupt the flow in the writing.
Nitpicks or comments (I'll write as I go):
-"It was once in a life-time, and I suppose it would have to stay that way."
lifetime*
Also, correct me if I'm wrong but I believe the comma isn't needed (I suck at commas)
-"We had gone all over the States, moving."
'States' doesn't have to be capitalized.
-"My second Michigander morning was terrible: a hurried breakfast, wondering what to wear and it all finally ended with me standing at the door of the second-grade classroom, my mother behind me, pushing my back to go further in."
It took me a few times rereading this. I think you can separate this into two sentences:
"My second Michigander morning was terrible: a hurried breakfast, wondering what to wear(,) and it all finally ended with me standing at the door of the second grade classroom(.) My mother (was) behind me, pushing my back to go further (through the door.)" This is just my suggestion so by all means you could totally ignore it.
"I'm not sure even now what it was."
I think the wording in this sentence is a bit... Awkward? I would suggest: 'I'm not even sure what it was now.' But then again this is just a suggestion
"I felt embarrassment growing thick and uncomfortable in my stomach." I really like this line! You could extend it so you can create more imagery for the readers and to really show how the MC is really feeling
Overall, this is good but you just need to work on is comma placement and paragraph separation. But I think you have some potential! Keep it up and happy writing
Wow. Thank you so much for this. I see a lot of mistakes that I didn't see before. I appreciate your trained eye, and thanks for taking the time to let me know what's what!
I took the liberty of changing what I saw was necessary and needed. Thanks again
Hey, faunafaun! I love your username.
The beginning of your prologue is awesome. It is pretty mysterious and makes me want to read on.
They way she dressed, it seemed she wore the same clothes everyday. I loved the cool summer breezes that would bring relief from the sun in our play.
There are two small things I'd like to point out. They should be the and how does the second sentence relate to the girl? It seems a little out of place.
"Okay kids. We have a new student today. Her name is Marisol. She came a little late in the school year, I know, but that's alright! We'll make her feel welcome anyway."
This bit of speech of awesome. It sounds exactly like something a second-grade teacher would say.
I have nothing else to point out. You wrote Mari's point of view very well, and I believed that a second-grader was actually talking to me. Keep going on this story, it will be amazing.