We went to the Salt and Straw yesterday. I have only been one other time before. The one on 23rd avenue in Portland. Maybe that doesn’t mean anything to you. It’s the only one I had ever been to.
We had been shopping in Powell’s Books when I overheard Clint on the phone. He was asking if the person on the other end if their store had any dairy-free options for ice cream; his sister has an allergy. He thanked them and hung up. Clint asked us if we were interested in getting ice cream when we were done. And obviously we said yes.
It wasn’t until after we had parked and began walking that I realized where we were going. “You know this is a famous ice cream place, right?” I asked him.
Clint made a face and shrugged. “I had no idea; I just picked the first place that showed up on the GPS.”
The last time I went there was July 6th, 2017. I looked through my camera roll to double check before writing this. I took a picture of the sign. Would you like to see it?
I was sixteen. My forehead was split open from walking in the unfamiliar hotel room in the dark and being too embarrassed to tell my friends I had actually gotten hurt. I was still playing basketball back then. My parents had even driven up to Portland to watch me play on my travel team.
I broke my dad’s heart when I quit. I told him I didn’t want to play basketball.
He told me I didn’t know what I wanted.
I told him basketball was what he wanted.
“Maybe I wanted at least one of my kids to be something.”
I still haven’t healed from that I guess. Maybe if he had used his words to bandage me again the way he had used them to wound me. I stopped talking to my dad for a couple days after that. Until my mom told me to let it go; my dad is sick.
It was late at night the last time I went to the Salt and Straw. Me and my teammates waited at least an hour for a three dollar scoop of ice cream.
Maddie. Kiana. Amaya. Taylor. Bethany. Ciara.
I wonder if they still remember my name.
I had ordered honey lavender without sampling it. We had waited so long, and there was still more line behind us; I didn’t want to make anyone wait any longer. I didn’t like the flavor, but I realized three dollars too late.
Me and my teammates talked as we ate our ice cream. We told Taylor to break up with her boyfriend. We congratulated Kiana for a game well played. I showed Amaya a story I had written. She said it was “pretty good.”
We made jokes about the store across the street on the corner. It had a sign about pots on sale.
So much has changed since then.
Yesterday, I turned around to look back at the same store on the corner, this time in broad daylight. The sign was gone. It was a different store now, selling pot instead of pots. I always feel a sense of grief when a place goes out of business. It hurt a little differently this time.
I was there in the same place I was about five years ago, but the buildings don’t recognize me the way I recognize them. I guess that makes sense. Buildings stay the same, people don’t. My hair is shorter now. I was there with a ring on my finger and the man who gave it to me instead of a loud group of girls. Maybe the buildings would’ve recognized me by my voice, but I’ve become a lot quieter now too.
I go back home today. My parents don’t have time to go to my siblings’ basketball games. My little brother has a tournament this weekend, so I make the time. They had always been able to make my games; my dad wasn’t sick back then.
Yesterday, I asked to sample the honey lavender ice cream. I still didn’t like it.
At least that much hasn’t changed.
I paid five dollars for my ice cream.
And before we left, I took a picture of the sign.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Salutations, curious mind!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
This was a very nice short story, I love the sad vibes it gives off. And the little surprise at the end of her looking back into the past was sweet and also very tragic. I thought you could have mentioned her name somewhere and made things a bit clearer, but otherwise this was a nice story.
Areas to Improve:✒️
Over here you mentioned that Clint asked <US> if we wanted to get ice cream, but in the story it is a bit vague who the other person really is, or who the other persons are.
~~~
Over here you mentioned that she took a picture of the sign, but at the end of the story you said that again.
And over here in the end
Nailed It!💐
I think it was a very nice ending. Bringing back the sour memory and the ice cream makes it even more typical. Well done.
Overall Feelings:
I think it was a very nice short story. And since you are new, I hope to read more of these soon. You did a great job, this was a good concept and I like the names you chose too. I was struck by the revelation at the end, though, that she is now married to Clint. Amazing!
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
Highway of Darkness by @OrabellaAvenue
This is also a tragic story about a girl who is sad. While reading your story, I had the feeling that you would really enjoy this one.
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Rinisha – Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉
Heyyyy. This work is such a throwback for me. I've actually been to that Salt and Straw. And the one in Seattle lol. Go PNW!
Anyway, as Foxmaster and IcyFlame have already stated, you do a great job capturing a sort of melancholy in this piece. The simplicity and the direct way you explain the context make that vibe really strong.
That said, having a sparse and simple writing style doesn't mean you can't use more action verbs in your writing. There are a lot of 'was's in this piece, often in places where you set the time, or are describing the state of things. That use of 'was' makes this piece soo passive, when, based on the content of the work, I don't think that's actually your goal. So I would recommend going back through and looking especially for the combination 'was' and a present-participle (ing) verb, because those are really easy spots to just say "did" instead of "was doing," and it'll allow you to keep the sparseness while still making your writing more active.
...on a departure from Icy though, I think the pots to pot line is great. It's so very pnw for a weed store to spring up where once there was something else, and I enjoy the wordplay. And while the constant jumping between times and places is a little jarring, I think it's something that you can clean up rather than fully clarify. Maybe being really intentional with your tenses, like the present is in present tense while the past is in past, will allow you to make those jumps in a way that preserves your style while drawing a clear line on what happened when. The changes give the whole piece a really meandering structure that I think is well-suited to the tone and content.
Anyway, hope this helps,
-Vento
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
I especially like this story. Once again, you keep a consistent tone with your life, in the past, and I applaud that. You keep a kind of almost sad, tone that someone gets when they speak about the past, somewhat quiet. I have to say that you're a really good writer, and I really enjoy reading your work.
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
What I know is that some time ago, you and some friends went to a bookstore, and then to an ice cream shop. You guys talked a bit, you showed someone your story, and then you got a flavor you didn't like.
A while later you got the same ice cream, and you still didn't like it. You also took a picture of the shop's sign.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
Some things I think can improve here are that you kind of mix around a bit. I found myself kind of getting lost here, and it was kind of hard to follow along, at least to me. You also spoke in present-tense a few times here, like in this part:
in addition, this should only be one sentence, because when it's two sentences like that, the story kind of gets disjointed.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I absolutely loved so many moments in this, but these two are my favorite.
I can tell that this is a bad memory for you, but you wrote it in an amazing way that I loved.
That last sentence is written in a kind of bittersweet tone, you wondering whether they still remember you. It's a kind of sad thing to think about , but you wrote it, once again, in an amazing way.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Well, that's about it. You have an amazing way of writing that moves me, and you're clearly talented. I hope you're enjoying your stay on YWS so far. If you're looking for anything to review, you can always do some of my work.
happy writing,
-foxmaster
Hi farq4d, Icy here for a quick review today!
I like that you're continuing on from your previous short story in a way with this one. The themes that were explored are pretty consistent, things growing and changing in kind of a bittersweet way.
In this section, I thought you were originally talking about the the first time you went to The Salt and Straw, so I was a bit confused when you then move on to talk about looking through the camera roll as I'd taken this part to be the reminiscence already. Does that make sense?
Oof. Quoting this verbatim definitely has the intended powerful effect.
I know you might be writing factually, but I might suggest some artistic license here. Changing from 'pots to pot' is a bit similar that I felt like the change was lost. Maybe they could have been selling something else before, or now? Just to make it really clear that something has changed.
This was a really well done call back to earlier in the story. I love the consistency but how you use that to show what's changed in the six years since the last visit.
Overall this was well written and enjoyable to read. I find your writing style very easy to get on with, and would love to read something longer one day if you decide to write it!
Hope this was helpful.
Icy