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Highway of Darkness

by OrabellaAvenue


The dark clouded sky seemed to dance above Clementine as the shadowed car sped down the abandoned highway. She wished she could become a cloud and drift away from the ropes that bound her, drift away from her cruel world, but she was as much a part of the earth as the car that contained her.

There were other children in the van too. Other hostages. But she couldn’t bear to look at them. She couldn’t look around at anything in the car around her. She could only look at the clouds and the cities and the mountains outside. How she longed to go outside. How she longed to smell the sweet air of the forest.

The car smelled like bleach. It had other chemical smells, but she couldn’t identify them. She didn’t want to know either. And it was cold. Her fingers were numb. So were her toes. The only thing she could hear was the low hum of the engine as the car drove farther and farther from the safety of her home. Before, many of the others had been screaming. But the men driving the car threatened them. All were silent.

Clementine didn't know where she was going. She hardly understood anything. But her heart pounded in her chest. Her mouth tasted sour. She felt like crying, but she was too drained to do much of anything. She leaned against the window, and hoped with all her might someone would see her. Notice her. Help her. But there was no one outside except for the street lights and the dashing lines of the desolate highway road.

~~~

They were going so fast. So far. She didn't know how many hours had passed. It could have been minutes. It could have been midnight. Nothing was recognizable to her outside. It was all road to her. Endless, hopeless road.

Would she stay there forever? Sitting in a dark van driving down the moonlit streets for as long as she lived? Longer? Would her skeleton rest where she lay? Would she ever see her family again?

~~~

Bands of red light crept up along the horizon. Dawn. Her dreary eyes shut, and the last thing she saw before sleep stole her was the everlasting highway.

She didn't know if she would wake up.

But maybe it didn't matter. She wasn't sure life had anything left to offer her except for the dark van and the highway with no bounds.

With no end.

With no light.

The highway of darkness.


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Fri Sep 22, 2023 5:26 pm
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RazorSharpPencil wrote a review...



This is a pretty good story. There could be a little more elaboration on exactly how long this person has been in captivity. This appears to be a story about how human trafficking and its impacts. It also has some pretty good descriptions in there as well. From the story I can clearly see:

- The Impact Of Events On The Character(s)

- Setting

- Events, Timeline

- The Fact That This Van Is Carrying Multiple People

- How the character feels

The story is good, needs a little work, but overall I do think that this is a good piece worth reading.

Keep Writing!




OrabellaAvenue says...


Thanks for the review! You words are much appreciated. ^^



RazorSharpPencil says...


Your Welcome!



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Fri Sep 22, 2023 7:37 am
jadeactor wrote a review...



Eh...This is a pretty interesting concept to say the least. I guess the concept of hostage POV is not really that new, but we're talking about CHILDREN here. I guess in term of speaking in children, the thoughts and actions of our protagonist is gonna be pretty different than most I've read. You could probably make like the child think and act like how a regular child would.

I do really like that the child has kind of the soulless/PTSD/traumatized feel, but I feel like that only comes with the child having been in captivity for a long time, thus I feel like you kinda have to elaborate whether how long she has been in captivity, or I'm a dumbass.

Frankly, I'm not really the best judge of stuff like this, but I really wish that this could have more parts, i.e. having her escaping captivity, and in a pretty unique way, too, since you have limitations unlike adults. It opens up a whole realm of possibilities. Eh, I feel like this story doesn't need much plot improvements, other than the fact that it needs to be a little longer.




OrabellaAvenue says...


Thanks for the review. ^^



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Thu Sep 21, 2023 10:53 pm
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foxmaster wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Wow, wow wow! Where to begin? I have to say that this is probably one of the first works I've reviewed by you- wow. Wasn't expecting that.

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
What I know is a girl named Clementine got kidnapped, and is currently driving down a highway... of darkness.
She looks out the window and wishes she was a cloud so she could just fly away. After a while she falls asleep, while the van drives down that highway...
of darkness.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
Overall, I think this piece was really good. It didn't really have any mistakes, but I did notice that you could've done a little better with the description.

The dark clouded sky seemed to dance above Clementine as the shadowed car sped down the abandoned highway. She wished she could become a cloud and drift away from the ropes that bound her, drift away from her cruel world, but she was as much a part of the earth as the car that contained her.

Wait, so were there windows in the van? For example, In this moment, you could've just been a tad bit more descriptive.
The same goes with her kidnapping. Maybe you could give us a bit more background information before you dump all this on us.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
She didn't know if she would wake up.

But maybe it didn't matter. She wasn't sure life had anything left to offer her except for the dark van and the highway with no bounds.

With no end.

With no light.

The highway of darkness.

I especially loved the ending, with her being scared, and the highway of darkness part. It was really well written good job.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Well, that's about it. I really enjoyed this story, and the last thing here is that I WANT TO KNOW MORE.
Happy writing,
-foxmaster




OrabellaAvenue says...


Hi there! Thanks so much for reviewing my story! I'm glad it was enjoyable. :)
Your feedback about description was really helpful! It's funny because I'm usually the one that writes too much description. Guess I went a little too far in the other direction. Oh well!
I WANT TO KNOW MORE.

Well, if ya really wanna, I might make this into a novel, or at least a longer story. Originally, that's what it was supposed to be.
Thanks again for reviewing!



foxmaster says...


Oooh hope you make a longer story!!!



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Thu Sep 21, 2023 9:09 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, OrabellaAvenue!



Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

I love the idea of where this story is going. I have the feeling that this would make a very nice novel, but since you've placed it under short story. Short story, it is. The fact that this story is written in the third person is a good thing from my point of view. The sadness that this girl feels really comes out powerful, however some more emotions wouldn't do any harm though.

Areas to Improve:✒️

Provide more clarifications & Show instead of Tell:
Over here for example, try to show that there are more children instead of just telling the reader that there are other children too.

Before
There were other children in the van too. Other hostages. But she couldn’t bear to look at them. She couldn’t look around at anything in the car around her. She could only look at the clouds and the cities and the mountains outside. How she longed to go outside. How she longed to smell the sweet air of the forest.


After
There came wailing and silent crying from behind her. Sometimes someone's foot nudged her out of her daydream, but she couldn't bear to look at them.
She couldn’t look around at anything in the car around her. She could only look at the clouds and the cities and the mountains outside. How she longed to go outside. How she longed to smell the sweet air of the forest.


~~~

Over here we have the same case

Before
The car smelled like bleach. It had other chemical smells, but she couldn’t identify them. She didn’t want to know either. And it was cold. Her fingers were numb. So were her toes. The only thing she could hear was the low hum of the engine as the car drove farther and farther from the safety of her home. Before, many of the others had been screaming. But the men driving the car threatened them. All were silent.


After
The car smelled like bleach. It had other chemical smells, but she couldn’t identify them. She didn’t want to know either. After a while she couldn't even feel her fingers, it was so cold. She tried to wiggle her toes, but that too was in vain. The only thing she could hear was the low hum of the engine as the car drove farther and farther from the safety of her home. Before, many of the others had been screaming. But the men driving the car threatened them. All were silent.


~~~

I would not place them ~~~ . I think your story flows perfectly well without them.

But there was no one outside except for the street lights and the dashing lines of the desolate highway road.

~~~
They were going so fast. So far. She didn't know how many hours had passed. It could have been minutes. It could have been midnight. Nothing was recognizable to her outside. It was all road to her. Endless, hopeless road.

Would she stay there forever? Sitting in a dark van driving down the moonlit streets for as long as she lived? Longer? Would her skeleton rest where she lay? Would she ever see her family again?
~~~

Bands of red light crept up along the horizon. Dawn. Her dreary eyes shut, and the last thing she saw before sleep stole her was the everlasting highway.



Nailed It!💐

To be honest, your title really spoke to me. It was just so catchy and the perfect fit for this story. Great job! It was a fine choice.

Highway of Darkness


Overall Feelings:

I liked this short a lot. You could work on some more showing than telling and providing some more clarifications, but aside from that this was a very nice story. You have some pretty great ideas and not to mention your beautiful covers. Hope to read more of these soon!

Be sure to check out…📔🔖

Broken mirror image by Me.

This is a very sad story I wrote some time ago. Also about a girl who was trapped in her life, I can tell you it didn't.. End well for her. Unfortunately.

She was called Zara and she always felt different from the rest. Her name was exotic and people around her could never pronounce her name properly. It was as if she never quite fit in with her surroundings, as if there was something wrong with her. She felt she was not good enough and that she could never live up to the expectations others had of her. Her classmates laughed at her and called her "idiotic" and "weird".


Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

Image




OrabellaAvenue says...


Hi Rinisha! Thank you so much for reviewing my story!
I have the feeling that this would make a very nice novel

Actually when I first started writing this, I thought it was going to be a novel. I guess that's why it feels so much like a longer story, which you and another reviewer pointed out! I would love to make this into a longer story (not sure if I will though), so if I do, please stay tuned for more!
I'd love to read your story! (when I get around to it... haha... sorry I don't have a ton of time these days.)
I really appreciate what you said and ways you thought I could improve. I will take each critique into consideration as I edit this later on!
Thank you so very much for reviewing; it was extremely helpful and inspiring. <3



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Thu Sep 21, 2023 8:20 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



It’s horrible to think that there are people like the men driving the kids away in real life. One wonders what goes on in the children’s minds…and in this story, I can imagine the dread Clementine must be feeling. She was probably having fun and being free before she was so cruelly taken away from those who loved her.

Maybe Clementine and the other kids will be free one day, maybe they won’t.

Either way, this was an interesting story. I wish you a beautiful day/night.




OrabellaAvenue says...


Thank you so much for the review!



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Thu Sep 21, 2023 8:11 pm
brookewritesbooks says...






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Thu Sep 21, 2023 8:10 pm
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brookewritesbooks wrote a review...



hi! i'm in a bit of a rush to be somewhere, but i'd like to leave my thoughts on this piece before i go :)

you've done a great job with the emotion here. the writing style is smooth and detailed, and way you've described some of the things here really accentuates the mood of the whole scene. i would definitely read on if there were more!

i know this is a short story, and the premise hooks the reader very well, but not much actually happens. the first four paragraphs are great, but the rest of the story only echoes what you've already written. the ominous sense of hopelessness and dread is palpable, but the reader needs to know about the setting itself; who are clementine and the other children? who are the kidnappers? how did they all get into this situation?

what you've written so far is great, but if you were to flesh this story out and provide the reader with some more information on the setting, it would be even better. i hope this helps! have a good day!




OrabellaAvenue says...


Hi! Thank you so much for reviewing! It means a lot to me. ^^
I'm so glad you pointed out problems in the story. Thanks to you, I can change it and make it better!




uwu
— soundofmind