Over the Mountains where elves once dwelled
Lies the rugged rocky dale
Of which a kingdom had seldom been quelled
And is as strong as a terrible gale.
Farion! Farion! is thy name
How great are you to be so grand?
A kingdom that has ancient fame
You are the wonders of the land.
Covered with iris, mantled with laurel
Gilded like its regal kings
Of whose stories has always a moral
Their noble deeds will forever sing.
Halls so glorious like early morn
With jewels and banners and fine silk
Arrayed is the Ivory Horn
Sounds as sweet like honeyed milk.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Heya Draggy!!!
This is Eros here!!!!
Your fantacy poem, "Kingdom Beyond The Muntain" is so beautiful!! It has got real touch and the effect. It is written in the shakespearal language. It is indeed a difficult language to write in and you have taken that real challenge. I loved the poem.It was most beautifully written.I must say I am really moved by your Fabulous work. You are a talented young writer.
Hats off to your work!!It is whole nicely adored with beautiful figures of speech and hence making it decorated with ornaments.
Continue writing Fantacy poems and we really love reading them
Thank you. Sooner or later, I will write fantasy poems...I hope. I hope I remember to do so.
Hellooosss again!!
At last I saw a poem in your portfolio.. Can't express how happy that makes me.
so here is a review for this.
When i read it, it gave me an impression of an age old fantasy prose being narrated by a 'once upon a time king' from the highest braodcasting tower of his castle in a far away dreamland. It had the essence of a folktale moulded in such charming cover of fantasy. you literally lived up to your 'name' in here.
this can be hollywell used as a lullaby for a lil kid, thats how i can describe how soothing is to the soul.
Only few I have seen can come across something as soft and as strong as this one.
you should write more and more poems and better if you use these in your short story installments.
I am yet to read other stuffs from you but this is thoroughly impressive!
Hey Nunyabusiness here for review time! First think I'm going to say is.....great job!! I love this poem it makes me think of the city of Dale from the Hobbit. One thing I have to ask, is the name Farion or dale? because you say, "Over the Mountains where elves once dwelled
Lies the rugged rocky dale" then you say, "Farion! Farion! is thy name" so I'm a little confused. I would make the name a little clearer there but other then that I would say, thumbs up! fives stars! fantastic! Keep up the good work!
The name of the kingdom is Farion. It will definately need some work. I will see whether I can edit this poem and publish it soon.
Anyway, thank you for reviewing.
Aka, I love the Hobbit. It surprises me to think that this kingdom reminds you of Dale.
Cool, I'm glad! And yes I thought of the Hobbit...Dale. Haha
Hello! Since Widdershins has given you a really nice review on rhythm, I thought I'd follow it up with a small example of how to put that into practice. I'm going to show you what you might want to change some of the lines to in order to make that rhythm work:
My first comment actually is that you're wasting a word in that first line. Instead of over the mountains, you could have 'over clear mountains' or 'over red mountains' or 'over dark mountains'. It doesn't really have to be a crazy powerful word because anything is stronger than the, but give it some thinking and ask yourself what kind of atmosphere you're trying to add.
As for rhythm, you've got 9 syllables, then 7, then 10, then 10! Clearly you should be aiming for 10 in each line so probably you want to write in iambic pentameter, which is generally traditional for these. The other to use is the common meter which is 10, 8, 10, 8 and in iambs. That one's a very common choice for songs.
So that first stanza might become:
Over tall mountains where land elves once dwelled
lie the rugged bones of a rocky dale
in fair kingdom which had never been felled
would out last flood, fire or terrible gale.
This is just to give you an idea of rhythm, though you'll notice I changed some words around too. Quelled is a really awkward one to try and use and your reader is going to stumble over it every time so better to avoid it. Then referring to the kingdom being as strong as a gale doesn't seem very strong at all. Do gales tear down houses? What about other kingdoms? No. You're forcing the rhyme. But a kingdom that has survived a gale might make it fit a little better.
A lot of your later lines are much shorter so you'll have to really think about how to flesh them out, though it's perhaps easier to start again and work in iambic pentameter from the start.
I think that's all I really have to add to what Widdershins had to say. Best of luck with this!
Heather xx
Hello!
I'm partial to these kinds of fantasy poems. They go really well in books, but by themselves, they usually lack a bit. I will review this as if it was in a book, but remember that if you're thinking of leaving this poem by itself... well, it needs a lot more back-story to it. I don't think you can just bring up a whole kingdom and then just add in a few details. It's like having a paint by numbers thing and only painting in one color.
So, assuming that this has a novel to go around it, or that you're practicing for such an event, let us continue.
These poems usually have rhyme and rhythm. You did a pretty good job on the rhyme, although a lot of it still sounded really forced. I think rhyme is one of the hardest things to do in a poem, because you can't just pick a rhyme and fit the poem around it. You have to make sure it makes sense, and you have to see if you would have said it even if it hadn't rhymed. I think that's where some of the awkwardness of this poem comes from. I'm not going to pick out specific lines, or I'll get way to picky. I'm not sure if the awkward lines you have are awkward /because/ of the rhyme or because of some other reason. You do what you think is needed to fix the forced rhyme.
The other problem is the rhythm. I think you're attempting rhythm, but it's not always consistent. A steady rhythm does wonders to help your poem sound polished, but again, if you misuse it, it can make your poem sound even more awkward. Pick a poem and think of a way to phrase what you want to say to fit that rhythm. Let me know if you need further help with this, because I know that rhythm is kind of a difficult thing to accomplish.
I'm going to put down some awkward lines that I think you could improve here:
"seldom been quelled" is very awkward phrasing.
This doesn't really make any sense if you think about it...
The verb is in a weird place here. I think you were trying to make it sound old fashioned and backwards, but I don't think it's working.
Arrayed? With what? How? What? Could be a lot clearer and more vivid. Also, this line throws off the rhythm a lot.
One final thing that I think could make this poem a lot clearer would be punctuating this. Don't forget about commas! I suggest that you go through this and punctuate it like you would anything else. Don't forget that you don't /have/ to capitalize every line. You can if you want, but I find that just capitalizing after periods, exclamation marks, and question marks works nicely. It's a story, so punctuating it as such isn't a horrible idea.
Let me know if you have any questions! I enjoyed your poem. Keep writing!
Thanks for the comment. I admit that it needs a lot of work, but I am just trying it out. Now that you have said those things, I will try harder with any poems that I may write in the future. I am writing a fantasy novel. I created a fictional world and Farion is in my fictional world. I created the poem just because.
I do have one question: When writing songs and poems, what is the simplest way of adding rhythm to it? Since I seem to be struggling with it. Again, thank you very much for the comment.
What I always do for rhythm is pick out a rhythm before hand (or, if I have one phrase in particular that I know I want to include, I use the rhythm of that phrase.) Rhythm involves both syllables and stresses.
For me, the easiest if Iambic Pentameter, because that is naturally how most of our sentences are structured. So, Iambic Pentameter is ten syllables with a stress like this:
i AM a PIrate WITH a WOOden LEG.
or
shall I comPARE thee TO a SUMmer's DAY? (shakespeare wrote a lot of iambic pentameter)
So, with that rhythm in mind, I go to my words, "now what do I want to say?"
if I want to talk about the lack of dragons on the mountain top, I'd say:
there ARE no DRAgons ON the MOUNtain TOP.
Simple enough, but what if the words you want to say don't fit that rhythm? Either manipulate them so they do (but make sure that you avoid sounding awkward. Make it something someone might actually say in real life), or change the rhythm to fit it, if that's the phrase you're going to start off from. Make sure the rhythm is consistent the whole way through, and you're golden.
I'm sure there are some good resources out there if you need more help, but for now, I'll leave you with this.
the "Iambic" part of "iambic pentameter" comes from that. The "pentameter" part comes from the fact that there are five (penta) "feet" in the line. (Since the Iamb foot takes two syllables, that means that there are 10 syllables total in the line)
Let me know if you have further questions, and I'm glad that you are writing a novel, whether it's specifically for this poem or not. It's important to experiment with this style of poem before incorporating it into a novel. ^^
This information has been really helpful to me. Thank you very much.