Young Writers Society

pis..umm..did you meant pies or is there a thing called pis in math?Radii or radius I don't know what you people learn in america but in India we learn it as radius.Well this poem is very nice and provides a really nice moral for teenagers these day. I myself hate math but you got to learn it. This poem has a really nice rhyming scheme and really interesting to read, nothing like math.

Heya fantasydragon!!

This is Eros here!!

It is a wonderful poem composed on our bookmate Mathematics. You have described your love for mathematics in a poetic way. This poem is full of Dramatic aspects expressed in a hmerous way. We have Mathematics since primary schools to colleges and evn higher educations.This common idea is expressed in an uncommon (unique) way.Mathematics has been changed to Maths now. The imprtance of maths is highlighted in the first half of the poem.
The words:~ "Pi, radius and diameters", in the middle of the poem gives a mathematical poetic touch to the poem.

One thing I would like to say fanta is that you write a poem in stanzas. Rest every thing is written beautifully. No other corrections.

I really appeciate your fatastic work. I want you to keep writing and dont stop....
Your work deserved our love.

Hi! First off, I want to say I am a calculus student, so it's nice to read something about math!

Overall, I liked it a lot. It flowed really nicely. I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors either.

My only suggestion is to maybe try to make your reader "feel" more about the topic. The poem is very fun, but I don't know if it 100% conveys your message. Maybe giving more examples on why math in important would help? It doesn't go into much detail, which often times is good and really works and may have been something you did on purpose, but if you want more of a message I would recommend using more detail.

Otherwise, I loved it and could easily relate to the topic. Keep writing!!:)

Hey, fantasydragon01. I am a big fan of mathematics so I really liked the theme this poem was based on. I also liked the rhyme scheme as it did not sound forced most of the time.

My favourite stanza would be:

"Volume equals area of base times height
People hate it with all their might
Perimeters and areas of triangles and squares
This is the stuff that no one cares"

The way you started off this poem was really good as it was to the point, wasted no time and the final stanza wrapped things off well.

The only thing I thought needed improvement was that it would need to make the reader "feel" - if you know what I mean. Maybe you could describe in detail on exactly how it made students feel and how one felt when they got a good job due to mathematics.

Overall- a wonderful poem and I would certainly love to read more of your work.

- Anshira.

it is a well written peice for sure ...u hv done it well bt there are few things you should keep in mind.... the choice of words are not that good to start off with."this is as important as peice of pie"... a well written simile but a forced rhyme it is."it is supposedely made you rough is not a great line... please change that.and thenit lacks a personal connection as to why you realized the importance of math in your life bt otherwise a gud peice... keep writing and sharing your stuff!!

it is a well written peice for sure ...u hv done it well bt there are few things you should keep in mind.... the choice of words are not that good to start off with."this is as important as peice of pie"... a well written simile but a forced rhyme it is."it is supposedely made you rough is not a great line... please change that.and thenit lacks a personal connection as to why you realized the importance of math in your life bt otherwise a gud peice... keep writing and sharing your stuff!!

This was a unique poem that's for sure. I think that this is a good description of how people detest math. In my opinion, it could have been better if it was written through your personal experiences and not of how you think people see math. Like "Sitting in class with an empty head, we learned about pi and that's enough said." You waited until the end to make a personal connection with the subject and the reader has been waiting the entire time to know why you wrote this piece. Show people your thoughts early on and develop your story from there.

Keep on writing!

Dragonrider

Hello FantasyDragon01,

I'm happy welcome you into our humble poeting group. I'm glad to see that you're reviewing a lot too. For your services to others, but mostly because you posted about math, here's a review from me to you~

I am really happy to see that someone has picked up the subject of math in a poem. I really see a huge relationship between poetry and math that people don't often understand, and I think, from reading this, you seem to understand it too. That being said, I do have something you can work on in the future.

I'm going to talk about styling. I think that you're going overboard with the things that you can do with styling. For me it comes down to one basic question: what does it add? In this way, I think you have to examine the style you've got for this particular poem. You're using italics for the whole thing, along with this obvious, rather strict rhyme. You're falling into the trap of forcing rhymes and making them very obvious within the poem which takes away from it.

To start with the italics, I think they're a little too much. Mostly I feel like they're not adding anything to the poem because the whole thing has these italics. If you had used them for part of the poem to indicate a difference or to develop a voice through the poem such as using them when someone's talking, then that would be different, but with the entire thing being in italics, it makes them lose their special properties of being something different. Italics become the new standard and that standard doesn't change. If you're going to have the whole thing in one text, then why have them in italics instead of just normal? We're used to normal, it's easier on the eyes, and it doesn't make your poem seem like it's trying too hard. If the poem is going to stand out, it's going to stand out because of what it says, not because of the style.

That brings me to my next point, the rhymes. I feel like you're stressing them too much. The rhymes make you sound very preachy and like you're just trying to walk in a circle to show that it is a circle. You're not really exploring all of the ways that math improves or creates opportunities, you're just creating a jingle which makes it neither dramatic or humorous. It's sort of like is someone came up to you on the street and said "You know what rhymes with toes? Hoes! Don't forget to wear your pantyhoes when we can see your toes!" We all hear these things about math all the time. "Math will get you into college" is not a proven thing. Even "Math will help you get a job" is not a proven thing. There might be a correlation between people knowing math and getting a job, but that could just be because everyone knows math, and people manage to get jobs. Because you're working with this strict end rhyme, you lose the depth and strength of your message, and it forces you into this preachy sounding rhyme. "I will tell no lie" has to rhyme with something, so why not use "piece of pie" since you've already got Pi on the mind? Well, because I don't like pie. I think pie is absolutely unimportant. Pi is very important to me, it's near and dear to my heart; Pie, is not. So for me, you're telling me that math is as important as something I dislike and have no use for.

Also because of how you said it, "piece of pie" reminds me of "piece of cake" and yet, a piece of cake is something that is quick and easy to do according to the saying. Many people find math hard, if not outright impossible, so it is not a piece of anything but hell for them. Why should they listen to a poem that is relating something that's not their experience with it?

I think to clean this up, use a hidden rhyme scheme if you want to have a poem that rhymes [Poems don't have to rhyme]. This means put your rhyme in the middle of a line rather than at the end. It will make it easier to come up with words that will work better, but also it will stop the traditional stop at the end of the rhyme which forces beat and sounds awkward. You also get a little more wiggle room if you miss a line or two.

Also, pick an audience. Create someone that you're telling this to in your head, make up a little history for them, create a situation in which you want to use this poem to express something to them, and then when you have that laid out, write a poem that talks to them and shares a story. Just like in a proof, you need the explanation. Right now you only have one side of your proof, and you don't have the theorems that back it up. You can put these in poetically by creating situations, metaphors, and examples which respond as real life to another person.

These are my suggestions for how to move forward with your poetry. Don't dwell on it too much for this poem. It is what it is and I'm sure there is a market for it somewhere to be rhyming and jingly, but to expand your horizons and explore a more diverse breadth of poetry, I suggest you write this poem again, but in a different style.

Hi there Fantasy! Swiftfur here to review.

This is a neat piece! I like the rhyming. You managed to pull it off without it sounding forced. Great job!

Actually, I read this as more of a rap than a poem, but that doesn't make it any less poetic!

Really nice work. I think it deserves 9 1/2 stars.

~Swiftfurthewarrior