No one believed me
When I said she would jump.
----------------
And yet, there she is,
Lying on the forest floor.
----------------
She’s crumpled in a heap,
I couldn’t save her.
----------------
As we climbed the tree,
She looked devastated.
----------------
And still, I never realized
That something was bothering her.
----------------
Then something sorrowful struck her,
“This is how you do it”.
----------------
Then she jumped,
And now she’s gone.
----------------
I saw it too late
And now she’s gone.
----------------
All because I couldn’t save her.
You never know
----------------
If a nightmare will become reality.
Take care of people while they last,
----------------
Or they might give up,
And leave you forever.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Hello hello,
I am here,woman,here to review one of your works as promised!
So let's start and I am sure you know I am really really picky about short stories.
The tittles did not catch my attention at all but still it deserved to be seen.Atleast this was what I firstly thought.
So the first thing.The start together with the tittle.i usually like simplier tittle but that is okey too.It made me think that this poetry will be sad and kind of dark because of its name.
I will review and read at the same time.
(i will write it together with my corrections)
No one believed me
when I said she would jump.
~
And yet, there she is,
lying on the forest floor.
~
She’s crumpled in a heap,
I couldn’t save her.
~
As we climbed up the tree,
she looked devastated.
~
And still, I never realized,
that something was bothering her.
~
Then something sorrowful struck her,
“This is how you do it”(italic)
~
Then she jumped.
And now she’s gone.
~
I saw it too late.
And now she’s gone.
~
All because I couldn’t save her,
you will never know.
~
If a nightmare can turn into reality,
take care of people while they last.
~
Or they might give up.
And leave you forever.
Keep on writing.I like it.
Sanku Rain-san! ^-^ A berry nice review for woman. Fanks!
You better be happy now,woman.One legendary review for you.
HEY , this was a very nice poem though ! Just a little complain , i wish it was a bit longer .xD It has a really good rhyme to it and sounds like a song . It's a small poem with a great message , loved it man . Just that don't add those hyphens in between it breaks the link of the readers . Looking forward to read more of your works .Your poem is a beautiful display of art . I am new to this site and your poem caught my nerve. Never cease writing . All the very best for your future . I hope my review was useful to you in any way and i am really sorry for writing such a short review .
Urvika
If I don't put the hyphens it just bunches it all together, my computer is weird, so I have to put those in.
Thanks for the review!
Hey this is really good but sad. It kind of reminds me of a song and I think you know what it is since you put part of the lyrics in the description! I love the band. Anyways I didn't really see any misspellings but I will go back and check. I think when you did this you could of used some punctuations though. Especially if your trying to put a pause in between each sentence. You should make a story out of it or something though because it was that good.
Well,
Keep writing!
~Danielle
Yep, I put the description as that on purpose to gather all of the SWS so I could kidnap the-- Yeah, Better Off Dead. xD I love Sleeping With Sirens too. I'm pretty sure I've got all the spelling down, and I put in punctuation for ease-of-read so I think that's all good. Thanks for the review! *You're my new best friend*
Hey Eden!
okay so this shows me how much you care about *wink wink* you know who. and really this is very sweet, well bitter sweet will be a better word. You know I feel the same way, for my sister... i love her so much, that if she is not snnugled up to me at night i get up automatically.
now about your work...
you should use some puncuations. like were you think you need to pause, or when you finish a particular sentence put a coma or a full stop right there. if you find it difficult, then read it aloud and put the appropriate where necessary.
next, when you finish a stanza, there is no need to put so many "----" just a '*' or a '~' would work, not that there is anything wrong with them but * looks better.
(this one is just a mere suggestion) maybe you could make the stanzas a little longer or just adjoin them.
overall this was a really good one! i hope to see more of your amazing works around here! Untill then keep up the good work...
your smart, awesome and super cool friend
Fangirl~
I'm not very big on punctuation throughout poems, but if you think it would be easier on the reader I'll look into that.
yeah. it makes the flow better
A'ight give me one minute
Hermana, oh my gosh Hermana...
If you didn't put that comment below, or if I had not seen it, I would be terrified. I would be scared that you were hurting. I would be worried about you a lot.
Eden, this is amazing, especially for something based off of a dream. The two line stanza format really works for this poem, so good job. Your poem is horribly depressing, but it is still really good.
The only part that does not really work for me is this,
It... How you do what? I kind of think she was saying, 'this is how you commit suicide,' but it's just a little confusing.
Your wording on this is perfect, the flow is good. Your story is sad, but it is still good. You did a fantastic job!
Great Job and Keep on Writing
Hey, don't ask me, I was just rewriting what I was thinking and what happened in my dream. *shrug* But thanks so much ^-^
This is actually a part of a nightmare that emotionally scarred me a few nights ago. I didn't realize before this nightmare how much I loved that particular person. They may or may not know that this person is them, but if you know I'm talking about you then listen to me, please: We do love you. Don't let yourself think that we hate you - that you're ugly and nobody cares about you - because I would give up my own life to keep you from taking yours.
Thanks,
fandomsnmusic