This story as the p.o.v of a girl and guy, placing both on here
Amber smiled laying the slumbering Becca down in her cushioned bed, her hand stroking the soft hair as she watched for a moment before heading back downstairs. That little bundle of joy always made her smile she thought. The clock chimed nine times; her parents wouldn’t be back for a while, not came the difficult part of the job finding something to do. Driftlessly she scourer the house she grew accustom to, stopping at the father’s office. The one rule in this household, never go into father’s office.
Mischievous delight causes her to stroke the cold bronze, turning it open. A cool refreshing breeze rushed past her in a frenzy, the soles of her feet pattering down the wooden floors. Pictures lined the walls some in frames, some not. Father’s desk littered with crumbled scatter clumps of paper fell down onto the taunt leather chair. I could clean this room up for him. She thought; her mind set on the task. Ghost white hands moved as a single unit picking up the clutter, placing them in designated sections of the room.
Sometimes tiny miracles occurs her hands brushed upon a pile of clutter spilling its content onto the floor. She groaned to herself scooping up the spilled, and then something caught her eyes. A vanilla folder with sharper wrote, “Adoption Papers.” Curiosity glinted through her eyes as she scanned the content stopping as she spotted one photo that drove her along memory lane. The picture held a capture moment of time where a woman held on close to her bundle of joy. The caption below wrote, “baby girl age newborn name: Becca”. Below that were papers finalizing the adoption and a signed signature, belonging to her.
Could the universe really work like this? Allowing her to rewrite the mistake of signing, that she did not want to see this joy again. A fragile hand rose to her hand as tears of joy rose. Amber looked back to where Becca slept. She made it to a good family.
As amber made her way out of the office making sure all the papers were in their correct stack shutting the door, their meeting her on the stair was Becca. Her small brown eyes glistened with sleepiness. “Amber I can’t sleep, can you tell me a story?” she asked.
Amber smiled scooping Becca up on her arms and resting them both on the rocker in her room, smiling as Becca’s head curled up perfectly in the crook of her neck, the perfect story rose to the beginning.
“Once upon a time… There was a grand kingdom with a beautiful princess-“
*************************************************************
A/N format went wonky when writing this and can not change it back to normal.
Knox smiled laying the sleeping form of Becca down in her bed, chuckling a long form of drool escape through parted lips. He moved heading back downstairs laughing, that lil squirt always made him happy. The clock rung nine times, her parents wouldn’t be here until later. Now came the hardest part of these jobs finding something to do, he moved walking aimlessly around for something to do. Then it hit him, literally. He zoned out hitting father’s office. Number one rule, don’t go in.
Mischievous smirk plastered his face as he reached the cold bronze turning the door open. The office was a mess; it looked like an avalanche took place. Knox moved through the piles of paper hoping to find something about his boss.
Then it happened, he brushed his hand knocking a pile over cursing at his clumsiness. As he moved to gather the papers back, he saw a vanilla folder marked “Adoption Papers”. He looked confused; he opened the folder and looked down at a picture of a smiling woman holding a kid.
He stared his breath catching as he looked down at that all too familiar face, those crinkles that curved upward in that signature smirk. That tousled brown hair that reminded him of wheat fields in the summer. They all belonged to his ex, Amber. What hit him the most, he had a kid, an actual breathing, walking, talking kid.
Frantic eyes moved down the paper and looked down, Name: Becca age: newborn Mother: deceased Cause of Death: Car Crash.
His whole world crumbled. Amber died; he would never be able to get back with her. His frozen state thawed as a small voice echoed behind him, Becca was there a teddy bear in a sleepy hand a yawn forming on her small mouth.
“I can’t sleep Knox, can you tell me a story?” she asked.
Knox stared at the little girl that reminded him so much of Amber; she had her mother’s face and his eyes. Becca had her mother’s spirit for fun and his smarts.
“ Alright come on then.” he replied
scooping her up in one of his arms shutting the door leading her back to her room in the rocker by the window. Her head nestled in the crook of his neck perfectly, just like Amber would.
He thought what would be the best story in the world, and then he got it,
“Once there was an abandon town, with a hot zombie princess-”
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140,456 Literary Works • 673,226 Reviews
Heya!
Gravity here with a review for who? Oh yeah. A review for YOU!
Okay so there were some pretty big grammar and spelling mistakes in here, so I think you could do with a proofread. However, those aren't the biggest issues in this piece so I'm going to count on you to put this through a spell check and look over it yourself.
Okay, so this was sort of confusing for me. The way you had it laid out when you switched POV, even with the warning, I wasn't sure what you were going for. I thought at first that the switch was part of the Mom's bedtime story. I think after the asterisks you should've put Knox's name and when this took place. That way the reader wouldn't be so confused.
This part confused me because I couldn't quite determine if it was Becca's Dad's office or Amber's Dad's office. I sort of got that it was Becca's Dad's office when Amber sees the adoption papers, but it took a while. So clarify?
Okay, i feel like this is another part in which you need to clarify. Why was Amber seeing the adoption papers if it hadn't happened yet? Or did Amber adopt Becca and then left Becca to Knox? Also, why would she leave Becca to Knox at all? It's all very confusing.
Plus, why does Becca call Amber by her first name and Knox by his first name?
I don't know. It's difficult to do as a writer, but sometimes we see things in our head and play them out but leave out important details the reader needs to understand. We, as the writer, as the creator of the story, understand what's happening. So it can be difficult to keep in mind that the person reading doesn't always understand. You have to keep in mind that they have no information about the plot whatsoever unless you feed it to them.
So, overall this was a really interesting concept. I definitely think Knox should've been more emotional over Amber's death, but I think you had good characterization for Amber. I enjoyed seeing her excitement and her love for Becca. The only emotion Knox has is disbelief that he has a kid and he briefly misses Amber because he wants to get back with her but there are no real feelings about love that are developed.
I think you did really well with imagery. You had amazing descriptions of Becca and I could totally picture in my head a young girl wearing PJs carrying a teddy bear because she can't sleep. So yeah. What you really need to do is just make this longer, add more detail. You have the basic structure of a story here, now it's time to build on that.
Keep Writing, and if you do add more to this story, please let me know.
XOXO,
Gravity
Okay so this was a flash fiction I did. The story that you don't know is that amber is a young women she gave becca up when she was a newborn. The reason was she was a teenager with no help she wanted her child the best chance. The mistake was signing she didn't want anything to do with her child, a mistakes she regrets. This story takes place where amber is babysitting becca, neither on knows. So when she finds the paper its like wow she's in a good home.
And yes this is hard I play the words in my head as I write and my head works faster than my hands and I leave details out. I'm defintly going back to extend the story. Thanks for reviewing Happy New Year!
Hello, fallen! I love your username.
Makes me think of Three Days Grace.. anyways, here to review your work~
Comma after "smiled".
Cut the indicated.
Comma is needed after "smile".
now*
1. "Driftlessly" doesn't flow right off the tongue.. try a simple "She drifted around the house.."
2. Scourer isn't working with your sentence. Try "scoured".
3. Accustomed*
Semi-colon at the end.
Add in the emboldened. But I mostly want to talk about the italicized. You've got too much going on right there in those three words. "Crumpled pieces of paper" works fine. Try that out.
With the way your sentence is phrased, you should change "fell" to "falling".
Nope. Entire sentence is structured wrong. >> I could clean this room up for him, she thought. With her mind set on the task, [insert her next action here].
Picked*
>> Sometimes, tiny miracles occur; her hands brushed [...]
Okay, right, so I'll stop there. This honestly needs a lot of work, mostly with your grammar and punctuation. You have a tendency to switch tenses, structure your sentences wrong so that they make little to no grammatical sense, place commas in wrong spots or forget to use them entirely, and generally have things make no sense.
Go back and reread both stories. I didn't read the second part, but I assume it also has the same mistakes. Try to clean them both up as best as you can! They will hopefully make more sense after you do.
Since we're talking about sense: this story made little. At first, you think Amber is Becca's sister. Then comes the adoption papers, Amber apparently signed. I could be wrong, but a minor cannot legally adopt someone. So Amber is not as young as she seems? Is she an adult? If so, she wasn't portrayed as one. And if she is, then why is she living with her father? Something is missing, clearly. And what is Amber's relationship with Becca? Her mom? Can't be, since Becca calls her "Amber", not "Mommy". So what's the story?
You do great with imagery details, but you lack concrete details. Back story. Plot. What is going on.
Also, be careful of how you phrase things. See here:
She made a mistake, signing the papers.. yet this is her happy family. So does she regret the adoption or not? I'm confused.
See what I mean? It's easy to confuse the reader, especially when you lack a lot of back story and details on the characters.
Generally, just fix your grammatical mistakes, check your punctuation use, and fix the flow of your plot because it is definitely not on track. But other than that, the story has promise. Like I said earlier, your imagery was really good; subtle, not overly done. You had a good balance going on.
Hope this helps!
~Iggy
thanks and I appreciate your review grammar is not my strong suit and it helps for those who are to spot the mistakes, thanks again you rock
No worries! Like I said: good concept, but the illegible grammar made it hard to understand some things. It just takes practice.
thanks all work on it as soon as review day's over :3
Hi fallenoutofgrace! "Are you having a holly, jolly Christmas?" Hehe. xD
Alright. I will be writing a review to talk about the title, and how I wouldn't recommend using "Once Upon a Time". Despite it being a very used line (and the title of a successful TV series), it is not something catches the readers attention much. Actually, I would say it makes your readers associate your piece with something that is not necessarily similar to what you want to share. You probably want to put as much effort on the title as you do in your piece and let the readers know that it is not just another story, for it is the very first impression. So, to summarize my advice, I will tell you that you should work on making your title be catchy; you either getting the reader curious with it or make the reader relate to it in a way. I mean, you have a lovely writing style! Don't let them readers miss it!
thanks for the help and sure am
Hi! Its review day and,representing the Night furies, is me!
Okay, to start off with the very first part of the story, Amber's part, is full of bits and pieces of broken English and run on sentences and fragments.
You miss a lot of commas and I feel like plenty of sentences could be revised such as...
"The clock chimed nine times; her parents wouldn't be back for a while, not came the difficult part of the job finding something to do."
This is a really long, choppy sentence and it could be split into 2 different sentences easily such as
"The clock chimed nine times, signaling her parents wouldn't be home for quite some time. Now she had a more difficult task at hand; finding something to do."
You also do a lot of tense mess ups, such as...
"she scourer the house she grew accustom to," it should be scoured and accustomed too, since most of the story seems to be in past tense.
You can probably proof read to get these out of the way. Or have someone else do it in more detail and then it'd be much easier to read!
Now, onto the more confusing part. You say adoption papers but you don't actually specify if Becca's is GETTING adopted or has been adopted by the family. It makes the story get very confusing and seemingly cluttered as you try to put so much stuff in such a small space. Lengthen it out so you can go into more clarifying detail.
~
Onto Knox's part!
You seem to improve on your sentences and grammar here so I'll just leave that too be proofread because I normally am not good at noticing grammar mistakes XD.
Knox's part is where it gets even more confusing because you start it out almost identically to Ambers part, making it seem like an alternate universe or something. However, the problem with this is the fact Amber is dead here, and also Knox's ex. which means Becca is their child? So....whose adopting her again? It would mean that Amber is putting Becca up for adoption but why would she if she loves her so much?
Also, you say how Amber is dead, which means she could be a ghost in the house that noone can actually see but it doesn't make much sense since she can pick up Becca and Becca can see her etc.
You also say more than express a lot of feelings, like Knox's grief at the fact Amber died. You just kind of say his world crumbled but you don't actually express his feelings, or how he has to hide it when Becca comes around.
Now, the last part is a bit strange. Because Becca can't be older than 5 or 6 and Knox starts off the story with 'hot zombie princess' which isn't really good for Becca because I don't think 6 year olds would understand 'hot'.
NOW. The 'improvement' parts were simply my opinion and do not to be acted upon. However, to lengthen and make your story more captivating, I suggest incorporating some of them if you like them. I don't mind!
Just, go into more detail with things so everything is much clearier, and keep an eye on those typos!
Have a good reviewing day and hope I helped!
Thanks it helps a lot, as for the why, this was an assignment on gender transfer in a work. and I can not write as I girl as easy as I can a guy. I did she died cause I fit it was more touching for knox to focus on becca that way verse amber focusing on how becca got there. I need to work on these that for sure but that you. you really helped me out
happy holidays mate