Imagine. Close your eyes. Tightly now; Tighter.
Now think.
'Who is it I care for most?'
What was your answer? If you answered 'Relative', or 'Sibling' then your a very generous and kind person. Though, I said those same words once... I'm neither 'kind' nor 'generous'.
Those people I found most dear, closest to my heart, all ran. Those who I believed would catch me when I fall, or shelter me from my fears, weren't there when duty called.
I know, I make it sound as if it was their job, though, isn't that just it? Isn't it a mother or fathers job to protect their child, no matter the circumstance?
Believing in this is what brought me down to dirt level. When I finally realized I was in too deep, it was too late.
I'm Harper. I have a debt to a gang on the west end of this dusty, old ghost town; Meorotoa.
Since the time I've gotten involved with this Kouhai gang, nothing has been but bad news.
I'm not the most colourful crayon in the box, but I know that its the only way a kid like me; Fourteen going on fifteen; is going to make any money for his family, and its dried up business.
A Lot of people say I'm brave, though, Mother and Father think otherwise. Since the day I've made my choice, my family has been shunning me; Excluding my sister Rai. Rai is the only family I have left, though, I never think of it like that. Mother and Father are in it for the money, knowing its the only way their going to survive through the seasons.
Little Rai doesn't understand it quite yet, but she keeps me in a sane mind. One that would be long gone by now if it wasn't for her. I give her all my thanks, along with respect. Having an eight-year old by your side can be quite reassuring in times like this. I never feel alone with Rai, nor do I ever burden her with my troubles.
Oh yes. The story? Well, it begins in Meorotoa; My obvious hometown. It was a summer day hotter then boiled molasses, though, the rain that came later on that day sure fixed that. It stopped the burning crops and- Wait. I'm rambling again; Talking to myself really has to stop.
Get up. It was a light push, I stirred.Get up... It was another one, harder though, more force.
Shooing it away I lay my head back to the pillow, trying my hardest to weave back into my mental narrative story.GET UP! Thump. I hit the floor, falling off the bed completely; I brought all linen bed-sheets and pillows down with me.
My eyelids peeled away from each other and, I blinked as to try and comprehend where I was and where I had ended up. Looking at the floor underneath my bare chest, I realized that; Because of such fine hard wooden floors; that I was not in my own home.
Surprised, I sat up quickly, more awake then anyone has ever been in the town of Meorotoa. I looked at the pillow, detaching myself from it and flinging it against the wall; As if it were diseased.
My eyes darted to the clock that ticked away on the velvet red wall near the nightstand. That's when I realised I had blurred vision; Either that or tape had been placed over my eyes.
I felt uncomfortable, my body was hot and my hands were clammy. Where was I? The question repeated itself over and over.
My blood pressure rose, higher and higher, I looked around frantically...That's when I saw him.
Body made of chocolate brown skin, looking as if it were sculpted by angels. Hair, darker then the night sky. Though his eyes weren't visible, and every time I strained my own eyes to see, they would betray me and hide the colour behind their distorted vision.
In all the excitement, I hadn't taken in the fact that I was completely naked. Though, the man made it quite clear with a low chuckle, and a point of his index finger...My nether regions were awakening.
Shocked for the umpteenth time this morning, I grabbed for the pillow again and covered myself; A feverish red enveloping my face.
I heard the bed squeal in detest. Was the man moving towards me? My presumption was correct.
As I tilted my head up, the face of an older man appeared before me.
No. We're not talk forties or fifties kind of old, we're talk two or three years older then myself; Ew, sicko people with your pedophile imagination.
I hid my face again before I could see his eyes. That's when I heard this voice; Luscious and seductive, masculine but with a feminine touch. This melody flowed into my ear like a breeze through the autumns leave-less trees. The whisper carressed my thoughts and my tenstion eased, he stated; "I'm guessing-By your reaction-that you don't remember..." There was a light chuckle from the mans throat, his arms snaking around my waist. I couldn't move.
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Canary word: Present
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That's awesome. I love your writing style ! XD
Write more soon, please? Please? Please? XD
x
You definatly drew me in with your style of writing. I like. Keep it up.
Now, there were probably grammatical errors and things, but I am so bad at grammar that I will not be able to help you there. Use word haha.
You have a very distinct style and I like how you kind of have a train of thought thing going on wiht the main character. You are telling the story but also letting us into the narrator's brain. And you are only thirteen so...yeah I'm jealous.
I really really really want to know what happens next! Ah cliff hangers!!!!!
Write more, immediatly or I shall find you and torture the story out of you. Not really. Maybe. No, I won't. :]
Just PM me when you get the next part out so I can read it. I want to know what he did the night before that he can't remember, and why he can't remember.
-Rory
Although you warned me not to read this at school, well i just couldnt resist.
Your writing daws me in. And well this one in particular was alot of potential.
I thnik you could go pretty far with something this interesting.
Im not gunna edit it, because im lazy and tired.
But i thought it was good, It wouldve been better if i could read more,
but that can be changed, When you write more (:
Looking forward to reading more of it, its good kookies,
so dont beat youself up about it, or say your a bad writer, because you aint.
Oh anddd i <3 you frandd,
:O
-marshmellow-warrior- lol i have a funneh username !
Yeah.I wondered that... But, uhm. Its not like i could ask anyone in my family...
(Total Homophobics)
&&
Yeah, I realised I didn't rate it... >___< Sorry. ( Thats to all the little children that happened to click on this xD )
You need to rate this R for themes if you're going to have things like "nether regions awakening". Remember this for your other posts, if they get any more explicit.
Also, "Lesbianship"? That is homosexuality. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Wow. Your the meanest person to comment on my writing skills yet.
...
I like you <3 ^__^
Thanks, && Its not supposed to be suspensful >_< Actaully, I quickly wrote it before school... (Not the greatest time to be writing a story)
I was using an online dictionary, but i'm half reatarted (Was also half asleep) and skipped some words from their defs.
This story is just a weird bunch on things Im was thinking of at the time (I'm a chick, not a dude, but I think sex is a very fun thing to write about! )
I'm glad it caught your eye, and I hope to make the future chapters better - More worth the while of you and many others.
Hello, evil_kookies (did you mean cookies or crazies?). I shall be your reviewer today.
First things first: the summary.
The story summary should briefly describe/introduce the plot of the story. It should not be only[/u] (I emphasize the only) about whatever elements of the story you think will catch the readers' attention. Unless your story is only going to be about love and homosexuality (lesbianship is a type of homosexuality, by the way), which I really hope it isn't, you'll need to revise this short summary. The "and much more" doesn't cut it because, following in the vein of what you've already mentioned, BDSM or various other sexual practices are implied rather than an actual plot.
That said, onto the story.
, or shelter me from my fears,
The commas are unnecessary. I say remove them.
Father's is possessive (the responsibility belongs to the father) so you need an apostrophe s.
Colon (:) or m-dash (--) instead of semicolon. "Meorotoa" cannot stand on its own as a proper sentence.
M-dash (--) instead of semicolons. Also, why is fourteen capitalized? It's not the start of a new sentence or a proper noun.
I suggest you not use semicolons at all until you learn how to properly use them. Also, you need to review the rules of capitalization.
So everything before was just a mental narrative? You really need to lead into this better. As it stands, there is no transition between the narration in their head to the narration of the story, so it winds up really confusing.
You do not need commas before or after every and.
Aside from this sentence being very vague and unnecessarily so, the narrator is naked and embarrassed... and in the mood to have sex? What?
Detest means to hate or intensely dislike. If you don't know what a word means for certain, don't use it. And if you aren't sure of a word's meaning, look it up. There's tons of online dictionaries, and most word processors come with built-in dictionaries. Use them. It's not like you have to lug out a heavy book and flip pages to look up your word anymore.
Then just say so when you describe the character. You're assuming that all your readers are sick-minded, and that simply is not true. It winds up being very offensive rather than humorous.
Presumption connotes prior knowledge or experience of/with a person/situation. Not the best word to use here.
...and? Why is this significant? Was this supposed to be suspenseful (because it wasn't)? And isn't the narrator sitting on the floor? This also happens to be a bad location to end a scene because there is no sense of completeness. The reader is just left hanging, and not in the good cliffhanger kind of way.
So, overall, the beginning was very good. It caught my interest and held it... until I began running into grammatical errors. Everything went downhill from there.