My mother named me after the powerful birds that swooped above our homelands--Nazri, or falcon in our language. She saw feathers in my hair and a bird's soul in my silver eyes, shining like the softest moonlight. She said I could see into anyone's soul, animal or man. But right now, my eyes see that there is light.
I inch toward the mouth of our Cave. Dappled sun rays fall onto the floor, creating a pattern more beautiful than Elder Linsa's tapestries. Light hadn't always been such a rare occurrence. But vines and thick undergrowth have covered the opening, creating a door as opaque as the wood the strange men use.
I peer through an opening between disease-eaten leaves, trying to get a glimpse of what is happening beyond my safe haven. There are two men with eyes of murky pond water, smiles that could blind you with their shine. They hold glinting sticks of a strange silver color that catch the sunlight as they jabber. One swipes at a tree and laughs at the ugly gash he leaves in the bark, patting the stick gently. Anger mounts in my chest and snatches away my breath. That a man would laugh at such a harmful thing is beyond my understanding. Pain is something to learn from, not to belittle.
Then I hear a shuffle, and my eyes shoot around the scene. I spot something hiding in the trees--no, someone. Canna. My sister is back from her gathering trip, her arms full of berries. She peers from between leaves, watching the two men talk with wide eyes. My mouth drops open. Canna will be slaughtered by the two men if she comes too close. But she cannot hide there forever. Even as I think, the two men turn in her direction as if to go there, and she ducks down hastily.
I must help her. I need to distract the men. What do I do? I tip-toe forward, and the bird in my heart gives a screech of warning that I ignore. Instead, I push my way out of the Cave, wilting vines snatching on my skin as if to say, Don’t go. Be careful, Nazri.
I have been trained to step silently, like a falcon soaring soundlessly through the clouds. The strange men do not hear me coming. My hand tightens. I must be brave. I must not hesitate. A hawk does not hesitate before a dive. I swallow and take a few steps more, my heart pounding out a relentless beat.
But fear overshadows caution, and I do not notice a sharp stick lying across my path. My foot crunches against the wood and snaps the stick in half, making a crack reverberate through the forest. The men babble as they both turn, voices pitched high in surprise. Their eyes go wide when they see me. Canna almost gives her position away with a gasp. In a rush, I leap in her direction, intending to pull her from the bushes and flee.
One of the men raises his stick. Metal flashes before me. With a cry that rends the air, I jump for Canna, my eyes trained on her arm. The stick comes down. I see wings--wings that lift me up to the sky and leave me in the heavens, among the birds.
Then my silver eyes close, and the wings are gone.
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
This is an interesting story. I had to read it twice, however, to understand exactly what was going on. If I were you, I'd add a little bit more detail to make the experience a tad more concrete. For example, maybe focus a little more on the setting and the character's lives? I couldn't get attached to them. This had nothing to do with you--it's just that I know nothing about these people--Canna, in particular, I'd like to know more about. Essentially, world building is a problem. I don't know about your world, and thus I was confused. All that aside, I think your idea is great! I love the dichotomy between your main character and the birds! It's a very nice touch! Your beginning, specifically, is very nice. I wouldn't call it forced at all. It made me interested in the story, and established your character's voice. As for whether your tale is offensive or graphic, I wouldn't call it either. You don't go into detail, instead focusing mainly on the thoughts of your protagonist. That's a good idea, and I'd keep it that way. Congratulations on your story--I think you've got a great idea!
PS- Are you entering the Scholastic Art and Writing Awards? If so, I am as well!!! Good luck!!!
Hey, there! I want to start off by saying I thought your descriptions were really good. There's a lot of imagery in this and I think it worked well for this story. I think everything flowed together really well, except in the fifth paragraph. I feel like there may have just been a few too many short sentences in a row in that paragraph that threw it off, but other than that, everything flows together well in my opinion. This is just a suggestion, but maybe something more like this(for the fifth paragraph):
Before--
I have been trained to step silently, like a falcon soaring soundlessly through the clouds. The strange men do not hear me coming. My hand tightens. It takes one strike. One strike to watch the man’s head fall, blood streaming from his neck, onto the hard-packed earth. I swallow and take a few steps more.
My edit--
I have been trained to step silently, like a falcon soaring soundlessly through the clouds. The strange men do not hear me coming as my hand tightens. It only takes one strike--one strike to watch the man's head fall, blood streaming from his neck onto the hard-packed earth. I swallow and take a few steps more.
That's not much of a change really, but I do feel like it runs together a lot smoother personally. But that's up to you, of course, so if you'd rather keep it or change it in a different way, then you go, Glen Coco.
Also, with the fifth paragraph, it feels like the transition from it to the sixth paragraph is a bit abrupt.
There's a couple things story-wise that I'd like to mention and you may want to think about. One: There's no way a man's head got cut off completely by one swing from an ax. He'd be injured gravely and probably die from it still, but it would take at least several swings to take off an entire head. That's why ax murderers are classified a bit differently than other murderers. If you killed someone with a knife or a gun or whatever, you'd be a murderer, but with an ax? Then they all you an ax murderer because of how barbaric the death is. It isn't like the other murders in that it took so much more effort, it's much more gory, and usually whoever did it has to be almost feral, because of how up-close and personal it is with all of the gore and the blood and bones and--you get it. So for stories' sake it would work, but if you were hoping for the story to be more lifelike then I would change that.
The second thing I wanted to say about the actual story itself is: did this cat really just kill someone over a tree? And did he really just get *himself* killed over a tree?
Homie has a little too much passion for trees, lol.
But that's about it really. Everything else is good in my book. And as for your questions:
1. I don't think the beginning sounds forced at all. It starts the story well, I think. And yes, it flows together well and makes sense. The only thing I have to say is that it may be a little contradictory in that it makes him sound like an almost angelic-type person, and then later he murders someone because they "hurt" a tree. But maybe you wanted it that way, idk. It didn't really detract from the story any or I would've mentioned it before.
2. His voice sounds okay to me. I think he sounds very misguided, and to be completely honest--he kind of reminds me of the type of person who would end up shooting people up somewhere. That sounds awful I know, but just look at his thoughts and actions: someone did something that upset him, and he killed them for it. That's the same kind of person who would get upset at people in general and end up killing more. He has good intentions, yes--but like i said, he sounds very misguided. His tone makes me feel a bit irritated to be honest, because of how misguided he is. It seems like he thinks he's better than others. And again, I'm not saying this is a bad thing and I don't mean it offensively; I quite liked the story regardless. It works because, you know, he acts the same way as he thinks and kills someone. It'd be weird if he had a *normal* thought process and then killed someone.
3. I don't find it offensive, but then again I'm probably the worst person to ask on that topic. I don't know if it'd be offensive to whatever culture this is based off of--maybe, maybe not. It really isn't that graphic, but someone *does* get killed and there is the mention of blood. so graphic but not overly graphic as you didn't go into too much detail on it.
And that's it! I hope I didn't sound harsh or like I was being really negative, because overall I liked it. I was just pointing out what I thought was wrong with it or what could be better. But yeah, hopefully this helped. if you need help with anything, want me to review something else, have questions, just want to talk, etc., etc., just let me know and I'd be happy to. Good job so far and good luck!
Thanks for the review! Yeah, some people have mentioned that he might be too passionate, so I'll see if I can change that. Thanks again!
Love the beginning it is a really good one this story captivated me at first sight and the name isn't is one that is very unique so great job. About that contest I am not sure but I say go for it because better safe than sorry!
Thanks for the kind words!
First, let me say that you definitely do have talent in describing things so that the reader gets a clear picture. The story held my attention from beginning till the end. The introduction was very captivating-almost dreamlike in its charm. Very skillful use of imagery. Since you did ask questions I will respond as honestly as possible since I know that you want an honest response. If any of my suggestions don't help please feel free to reject them. Thanks for sharing.
Here are my answers to the questions:
1) Does the beginning sound forced? Does it flow together well and make sense?
The introduction is very charming and captivating. Rather beautifully peaceful to be exact. The mention of people living in a cave seems to make this scenario prehistoric. The description of the boy’s eyes as silver seems to indicate that he might not be totally human. Perhaps a race long since extinct? The boy describes himself as special. So one expects wise behavior from him. Yet what follows goes contrary to what is expected.
2) Is my character's voice okay? How do you think he sounds? How does his tone make you feel?
The character sounds like a victim of a primitive superstitious culture. His tone makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s as if I am beholding someone who is misled and throws his life away in defense of a tree.
3) Is this story offensive in any way? Is it slightly graphic?
Killing a human being over a tree will usually be perceived as offensive.
Especially after the boy says:
“That a man would hurt a tree spirit so willingly is beyond my understanding.”
BTW
You mention two men. The boy kills one and there are still two men left? So we must assume that the third man who was killed was not involved in the attack on the tree. Yet he is the one who gets his head lopped off.
The identification of their skin being pale might cause some readers to imagine that this is an indirect innuendo against the white race as defilers of nature.
Light didn’t use to be such a rare occurrence.
Suggestion:
Light [hadn't been always] such a rare occurrence.
“Turning away in anger....” The reader had already been told that he is angry.
-----------
“....screech of warning that I push aside. Instead, I lift the ax and push my way out of the Cave, ....”
Suggestion:
“....screech of warning that I ignore. Instead, I lift the ax and push my way out of the Cave, ....”
“In a frantic swing of my ax I charge forward...."
Suggestion:
"With a frantic swing of my ax I charge....”
The reader understands it is a forward motion.
Thanks for the review! This really helped.