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Chapter 1: Falling of the Snow

by erennaci


Chapter One: Falling of the Snow

"My light, my slowly trembling light; you did not deserve this end. If you can hear my words from the eternal plane, I promise I will not let your death be for nothing." He whispered on his knees and kissed the frozen lips of her love for the last time.

He got up, started looking for a torch to ignite the body to fulfill her last wish. But no torch was to be found in the room.

So he took the matter into his own hands by casting a simple fire spell.

He wanted this spell to be powerful so he moved his left hand upto his heart, to the source of his power. He smiled, "It's funny,you always loved the snow and the cold but wanted to be ashes in the end.".

He wiped the three teardrops off of his face and said: "I guess this was your way of showing me the great irony of life."

Temmil crashingly knocked on the door and shouted "Arkhan,The Riders are coming we have to go!".

Arkan put his sword in the scabbard attached to his back and opened the door.

He took a quick glimpse inside to see her turn into white flames and ash.


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8 Reviews


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Fri Sep 20, 2019 2:59 am
sasha_bumble_bee wrote a review...



Hello---quick review, here!

I'm very excited to read other chapters of this story, as it's really cool-sounding!

I loved the bit about how she always adored the snow but wanted to be cremated---that part was just exquisitely written and incredibly heartfelt. I think that the phrase "crashingly knocked" could have some work done to it because it feels a bit halting, and "inside to see her turn into white flames and ash" sounds a little rushed, but overall it's very well-written.

I look forward to reading more!




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Wed Sep 18, 2019 12:44 am
Miraculor77 wrote a review...



Hi Erennaci!
I saw this in the Literary Spotlight and thought it would be interesting to check out. Also, the title is intriguing.

I noticed some grammatical mistakes and thought I'd point them out:

"My light, my slowly trembling light; you did not deserve this end. If you can hear my words from the eternal plane, I promise I will not let your death be for nothing." He whispered on his knees and kissed the frozen lips of her love for the last time.

The period should be a comma.
The word "her" should be replaced with the word "his."

He smiled, "It's funny,you always loved the snow and the cold but wanted to be ashes in the end.".

The word "smiles" seems to be slightly out of context here. He seems to be sad that his lover died, so he wouldn't be smiling. If he is, it would be a sad smile. I rewrote the sentence below as an example so you get what I mean.
"He smiled sadly, tears pricking his eyes. "It's funny..."

There should also be a space after the bold comma: "It's funny, you always..."
That last period is unnecessary.

Temmil crashingly knocked on the door and shouted "Arkhan,The Riders are coming we have to go!"
Arkan put his sword in the scabbard attached to his back and opened the door.

"Crashingy" is not a word. You should probably replace it with some other word that still conveys your meaning.
There should be a comma after "shouted."
You should put a coma between "coming" and "we."
I noticed that you spelled the main character's name "Arkhan" the first time and "Arkan" the second. Which one is it?

I particularly liked the phrase "into white flames and ash." It sounds very poetic and powerful.

I think that this story has a lot of potential, but as Tuckster said below, it could use some more description. On the other hand, I saw in some comments below that English isn't your first language. In that case, this is actually pretty good.

Well, that's it for now. :) I'll drop by when I get the time to read the second chapter. Tag me when any other parts come out!

Keep writing,
Mira




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Mon Sep 16, 2019 3:39 am
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there erennaci! Tuck here with a quick review for a quick piece.

So there were a couple grammatical mistakes, but this is short enough I can just go through and pick them out one by one :)

He whispered on his knees and kissed the frozen lips of herhis love for the last time.


He got up,and started looking for a torch to ignite the body to fulfill her last wish.


Temmil crashingly knocked on the door and shouted "Arkhan,The Riders are coming.wWe have to go!"
"Crashingly" isn't a word, so you can find another adjective that conveys exactly what you mean.

So I found this chapter very intriguing, but I think you could have lengthened it. While I would never encourage you to just add meaningless words, I think that adding some more description would make this powerful. Engage more than just sight and sound; engage smell, taste, touch, all of the senses. Make it one of your challenges for this, and you'll be surprised how far it takes you. You can also lengthen the description you do have—expand on it, make it more powerful, strengthen it, fortify it. You have a great premise here, and you have the bare bones, but you're lacking the length to make it truly impactful and powerful.

Essentially, what you have here is a brilliant novel stripped down. You have a clear start, end, and middle, and you move quickly from one point to another. However, to make it truly great, you need to do more with this than just give us the bare bones. You need to expand on what you have to take this from moderately strong to powerfully great.

I hope you didn't find this too harsh—I really do think you have a strong foundation here. I see a lot of potential in this story and I want to help you take it from the beginning fragments of an idea to a truly great work of literature. If you have any questions for me, just let me know, and I'd be happy to answer!

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Sun Sep 15, 2019 11:20 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...



I've only read this first chapter, and I'm already interested!
I found the dialogue very interesting. It makes me assume this is set way back in the past. But then again, he did some magic, so perhaps in another world altogether.
One thing I noticed was that you used "3" instead of "Three" I'm pretty certain when you write things like that, it's better to spell numbers out.
Other than that, this was a very exciting chapter, and I look forward to find out who the "riders" are! Keep on writing, and welcome to the Young Writers Society!




erennaci says...


Thanks for the review! It's my first time writing something so I apologize for my mistakes grammar wise, also English isn't my first language but I will look out for my mistakes more from now on.
Thanks again!



Horisun says...


If this was your first time writing, you did an amazing job! can you tag me when the next chapter comes out?



erennaci says...


thank you so much!It's already out you can check it out.



Horisun says...


I'll take a look sometime tomorrow.



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Sun Sep 15, 2019 10:25 pm
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Querencia wrote a review...



Hi erennaci! I'm Querencia here to review your chapter here today.

The first thing that I wanted to mention is that this is rather short--it might be better as a prologue than a first chapter, or you could even expand it out a little more.

"My light,my slowly trembling light;you did not deserve this end. If you can hear my words from the eternal plane,I promise I will not let your death be for nothing." He whispered on his knees and kissed the frozen lips of her love for the last time.

I'm not quite sure what "slowly trembling light" means--I think the narrator could be fondly referring to one he loves as his "light", but "slowly trembling" doesn't seem to make sense in this context. Also, in the last sentence, I think you mean his love, not her. :)

He got up,started looking for a torch to ignite the body to fullfill her last wish. But no torch were to be found in the room.

So he took the matter into his own hands by casting a simple fire spell.

He wanted this spell to be powerful so he moved his left hand upto his heart,to the source of his power. He smiled,"It's funny,you always loved the snow and the cold but wanted to be ashes in the end."

That's interesting! If magic is going to be a big part of this story, I'd love to see this in a little more detail, but it's a good thing to draw us in. It's a little odd that he doesn't find a torch--is it simply darkness in whatever room he may be in? Since we know there's a door, he must be inside somewhere. But there's not a lot of context, and while you don't have to describe the place in detail, it might be good to get a sense of where they are and what might be going on!

He wiped the 3 teardrops off of his face

Unless the three tears has some sort of bearing on the story, I don't think you need to be so specific. Just "some teardrops" would work fine! :)

Temmil crashingly knocked on the door and shouted "Arkhan,The Riders are coming we have to go!".

Arkan put his sword in the scabbard attached to his back and opened the door.

He took a quick glimpse inside to see her turn into white flames and ash.

This is the first time his name is mentioned! Maybe it would be good to have it come into play a little earlier? And I didn't know he had his sword out in the first place, so it seems strange to have him put it back in the scabbard.

The ending here is very abrupt. Although Arkan cries and calls this person his "love", I don't see a lot of strong emotion here. Shouldn't he be torn about leaving her body to burn while he's called away to do something else (flee the Riders?)? Does he feel bad about burning her body, even though that's what she wanted? I'd really like to know what he's thinking about all of this!

I assume that context--such as who Temmil is, why this person is dead, who the Riders are--will be filled in later, but it might be good to have a little more of something here, a mystery or a call to action or something that will need to happen later, in order to draw readers in to read more. At the moment, I'm not sure whether I care for these characters, or really who they are. The magic is a good start, but if, for example, you said, "Her dead body on the ground was a high price for his magic, but it would all be worth it" that would make me really interested to find out what had happened and what would happen next! Maybe that's not the situation at hand, but if you throw in something that's compelling, it can help to lead your story along.

Good luck with future writing, and have a great day! Feel free to tag me if you post another chapter. :)

-Q




erennaci says...


Thanks for the review!
Sorry for the grammar and word-choice mistakes; it is my first time writing something that is not in my own language.
More context on the characters (Temmil, Arkhan, the Riders, etc.) will be given in detail in the further chapters.
And the three teardrops do have a meaning, not just a random number.
Magic IS going to play a big part in this story, at least I hope so!
Thanks again.



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Sun Sep 15, 2019 10:12 pm
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Necromancer14 wrote a review...



I liked this; very romantic!
Here's my review:

critiques:

For one thing, you didn't put spaces between a lot of your punctuation.

""I promise I will not let your death be for nothing." He whispered on his knees"

The period should be a comma.


"He got up,started looking for a torch"

you should insert an "and" between "up" and "started".


"But no torch were to be found in the room."

"were" should be "was".


""Arkhan,The Riders are coming we have to go!"."

"The" shouldn't be capitalized, and you don't need a period at the end, you already have an exclamation mark.


"He wiped the 3 teardrops off of his face and said "I guess this was your way of showing me the great irony of life." "

I would remove the "3 tear drops" part. It's kind of random and statistical, when this is more of an emotional piece of literature. Maybe change it to "glistening tear drops" instead, or something more along those lines.

Praises:

""My light,my slowly trembling light;you did not deserve this end. If you can hear my words from the eternal plane,I promise I will not let your death be for nothing." He whispered on his knees and kissed the frozen lips of her love for the last time."

This is a super emotionally powerful paragraph. It is very romantic and fairy-tale like.


"He took a quick glimpse inside to see her turn into white flames and ash."

This is also very emotional, and poetic too.


You seem to be very good at poetic, fairy-tale romance. I enjoyed reading this, it was a great introduction. It has a nice title as well. Good job on your first project!




erennaci says...


Thanks for the review!
I will focus on the grammatic mistakes from now on, since English isn't my first language it's kinda hard to write perfectly for me.
It's "3 teardrops" because it has a meaning which will be revealed.
Thanks again.




Well, the only way to start is by starting.
— Coffeeism