Young Writers Society

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I really liked it.
It doesn't feel like a poem in terms of structure, grammatical correctness and such but It was violent with emotion. A lot of poetry I read feels like pretty words, good order but the emotions are either not there or veiled in a film of purple-prose.
I would say take this passion and redirect it into something with a little more structure, while still leaving that raw edge intact. Or get a blog to post this stuff in.
Anyways, keep feeling this angry, it makes for good writing.
xxooxx
empress

Hey emoticon! Welcome to YWS!

There is a difference between poetry and brain dumps! Brain dumps belong to journals or blogs... places that are personal and not up for review. Next time you feel inspired to write a brain dump, feel free to write it using our YWS blog system. That way, you get your own specialized place you can rant, without getting harsh reviews. And when you get something you're really proud of, post it in these forums. It'll work out better that way, trust me!

If you need any help navigating YWS, feel free to bug me!

thank you and i should also apologize my reply was rather harsh
but i get like that sometimes
youve heard of irish temper?
well thats my German temper lol

No worries, Emoticon.

If my criticism was too harsh, I apologize. I often review at late hours and don't think clearly. Nonetheless, I critiqued it because it was posted here; nevermind my standards (not that I actually have any... ) -- what you write is for you, and sometimes braindumps do help.

June

June,
thank you for advising but as i said at the bottom it wasnt a poem it was a brain dump,
i couldent tell my friend why i was always upset and this is the best way i could think of...
she thinks i like this guy when i dont think i do but am un sure im sorry its not up to your standards but its how i choose to express.
im supposed to be yelling which is why there are all caps and i dont care if you "enjoyed it subject wise" its my life not yours.

Emoticon --

Remember proper grammar when you write; the pronoun I should always be capitalized. Edgar Alan Poe often left it uncapitalized for stylistic effect -- or he never really capitalized anything. Seeing as there's not much in terms of style here, and you have a capitalized I, I think you need to keep them all up in the skies.

Remember apostrophes in contractions; dont should be don't, youd should be you'd, and so on, so forth.

Caps seem to be equivalent to shouting, and are often looked down on in writing; they come off as over dramatic, or over enthusiastic, and I feel that you can get the same message across without using them. My recommendation is to cut them out of this -- it would make this a lot easier to read.

I didn't really enjoy this subject wise. I felt that this had been too common a theme to write on -- love poems are so, so common and usually they don't give us much reason to understand the emotional side of the picture. I think you need to elaborate on a lot of things here, perhaps throw some concrete things in, instead of just leaving this on a page where abstract emotions float around. Give us a reason to sympathize with this person and understand what they're going through.

I can't say if it's good or not, honestly. Needs a lot of revision -- try to post your serious writing, so that we can critique and review it properly. =)

June