Adrian watched from his mind. He watched the death of his best friend. Reggie, Regina was the name of that meddling, murdering human girl. As Adrian watched a slow smile spread across his all to human lips. She would have to be taken care of. He walked to the mirror in the hall of the appartment of his human prisoner. On the surface he saw the clear, smiling face of Jared Markos, but, in the eyes he saw the solid form of a well fed Vour. He could see his pointed teeth, glittering with oily purple venom, he saw greasy black hair covering his where his eyes would be, that is if Vours had any eyes instead of spiraling black holes. Then Adrian saw his arms and legs, he was far to small to go out now. Adrian filled his human lungs with air, now was not the time. The girls death would have to wait.
End of chapter
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140,665 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this is quite the start here to be kicking things off in this particular story. It seems to start out somewhat innocent enough for the most part but things escalate out of control rather fast here as things appear to be turning into a proper fight happening here between the heroes now than whatever they were previously with the attacks being tossed about.
This is a pretty neat spot of description here for the whole sort of general idea I suppose for this place and I think you've done a pretty solid job of really mapping it all together here. The bit of context in terms of the story per see might need a little bit of work though because at least I find myself ever so slightly confused in terms of what that is meant to be telling us.
Overall, this one ends up being a bit of a mixed bag I think. You've got a decent bit of one part working and the other part needs a teensy bit of work, so in general while it seems like a decent piece, I'd say it needs a bit of work just in general.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I finally read your comment on my profile. Hehe, I had no idea that comment place existed until now. It's cool if you use my name.
Hi!!!
Firstly, if I was you, I would wait until I had written a little bit more before I posted, because your post can be as long as you want but for each post you have to write 3 reviews. Might save you some time!
Secondly, down to the nitty-gritty stuff.
Shouldn't 'Reggie, Regina' be the other way round? Because the way I'm seeing it is that her real name is Regina and her nickname is Reggie, so it might sound better switched.
Secondly, try not to use the characters name so much. Adrian is written quite a few times in that small block.
I am really interested to know what a Vour is! Tell me more!
Forgotten x
Adrian is my name.
First thing on my mind: I love your signature. I think I may steal it, when I get sick of mine.
NITPICKS
I think these should be put together, something like Adrian replayed in his mind the death of his best friend.
Because its a tad confusing as stands.
his all-too-human lips.
This movement and this thought don't seem to go well together. You can try
Adrian realized, as he filled his human lungs with air, that now was not the time.
OVERALL
I feel like you're put too much in this paragraph. There's intrigued, there's confused but in an intruiged way, and then there's being choked with this much information this quickly.
I almost feel like you should hide some things from me right now, like that the human is a prisoner (is he in his body right now?) or that some girl killed his brother.. I don't know. It was just a lot too take in.
Or you could try expanding the piece.
Anyways, that's my two cents.
*****The Universe******