So here it is, how the story goes:
She brought me here, and showed me hope.
Then he came by, shared that she’s toxic.
I grasp his arm, take his side.
Life, alarmed,
Hurried in, and grabs my hand.
“Please, you need to live!” she says.
Death turns and gives me a kind look,
His gaze spears my bones, they violently shook.
He promises a peaceful, painless sleep.
I’m so ready to give in to him.
Then Life, she calls my name again,
“Remember all the things you dreamed?
You can not dream them in his sleep.
And if I must repeat again,
Please stay with me and all your friends!”
I look into her sweet, green eyes,
They show me love and bonding ties.
I look away, to my feet, head bowed.
“I wish for both,” I finally say.
“I fight and fight and tear apart,
I’ve lost what’s truly in my heart.
Now all is pain, no purpose, no smile;
A mask.
Life that just isn’t worth while.
Though, death would be leaving a chance at anew.
More pain would spread by giving in, too.
I guess I wouldn’t be able to do
Things I liked or thought were cool.
So now I’ve shared, made up my mind;
Today I will leave Death behind.
Though it’s a struggle, I’ll make do.”
I smile at Life, she squeezes me like a child,
Death shrugs away, promising to be back in a while.
Today I have won, I believe you can too.
I love you, you’re strong,
Keep fighting; never lose!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Thats nice. This is nice.
Radrook here for a review. Please feel free to ignore any suggestion deemed unhelpful. If I offend by mistake, I apologize. Not my intention.
Thanks for sharing this poem about a person who is tempted to end his or her own life due to extreme suffering but who finds reasons to live. I like the way that his inner struggle involving both life and death is personified as two individuals striving to convince him. Also like how the the poem ends on the positive note of choosing life instead of death.
Suggestions
The first line that introduces the poem with the expression ....”here I go!” is unnecessary and makes it look trite. As if the speaker is about to be involved in some word game that he just happened to feel like playing at the moment for the heck of it.
It isn’t clear where “here” is.
If life rushes in later, then who was that first “she”?
It isn‘t clear who the “you” at the end of the poem is.
All in all a good read with a drama that kept me reading. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
The first part is meant to be sarcastic...
Like a sarcastic excitement
Hello, emolemon. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?
( I kept seeing this in the Green Room so I decided to just review it for you lel )
I. Clarity and Message
What i got from the poem ( I literally almost put ‘phone’ what the heck is wrong with me? ) was that it seems to me that the speaker was on the brink of death, and they had to choose to fight to stay alive or accept death. The message came across pretty clear to me. I understood where the speaker is coming from. They chose to live, leaving a message saying:
II. Tone
As for the tone of the poem. I am a bit confused. I couldn’t sense the emotional connection between the speaker and the reader(s). Maybe you are able to explain to me what the emotion is here because I do not know. It seems like this poem lacks the emotion, especially when it comes to life or death. You know what I mean?
I could be wrong, though. If I am wrong, just let me know.
III. Structure
The structure of the poem seems like it’s being pulled back. Since this lacks tone, the structure lacks free-flowing words in order for the speaker to express one’s self. If I can make a suggestion. If you are able to place the poem into a paragraph and re-read your poem, you can place stopping points where you think it’s best.
For example:
Put it like this, right? Then place breaking points.
Now all is pain, no purpose, no smile; a mask
Life that just isn’t worth while, though, death would be leaving a chance at anew
You see where it adds emotion? This is only a suggestion. You don’t have do anything if you don’t want to. But you can use this reference in future works you intend to publish.
IV. Overall
Overall, the theme of the poem is intriguing, I love the idea. The clarity of the poem is on point, but you will need to work on the tone and structure of the poem. Like I said, you don’t have to change anything on this if you don’t want to. You can use the tips provided in the review as future reference.
Keep up the great work! I can’t wait to read more of your writing.
Keep writing and have a wonderful day!
- Kanome
Hiya Lems. I posted a comment then thought "what the heck" and now I'm reviewing it.
I'll start with the grammatical errors and get those over with:
-"--your strong" should be "you're strong."
You're= you are
your= something you own
-add some commas here and there, and some periods. Just skim through and edit.
-Capitalization is a bit off in some places, so go in and edit that a bit. (Except I see the point of capitalizing Life and Death--I like that.)
Now, onto the important stuff.
I. Love. It.
It really shows the torment that comes from having to choose between Life--fighting on, living and breathing and dreaming and if it's all really worth it--and Death. I like how you humanize Life and Death as they fight to hold onto you, both wanting you, to either stay alive or to die.
Overall, I really like it. I think you did a really great job, and you have obvious talent. XD
Have a wonderful day/night! (And stay alive.)
~Space
the "your" one i got right after i published it XD
Originally, it was gonna be "Tug-a-War" but i was like
no.
Ohhh yeah I see. XD Yeah, I like the name now, but that would have made sense anyway.
"You cannot dream in his (Death's) sleep."
Holy sh*t that's deep.
It's true though.
@SpaceSnickerdoodle @Lake @TheLittlePrince @Saruka @saentiel @izanami @woahhitherepal @Flumadiddle @TheBlueCat @269609 @WhosabellCanWrite @LittleLee @BookishBrook @GodHatesShane @SirHenryFisher hi guys... you like?
Oooo will review later my friend
m'kay
it'll really help, my fren
Why am I not on this list? Very sad.....
I'm sorry! I copied and pasted (hehe I'm a bit lazy) but next time I promise I won't forget!!!
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