Eyes, red and tired,
Body, awake and shaking.
My cravings lure me to a blade,
But this bed won't let me go.
It wraps around me, a warm hug, my only friend,
It’s begging me to stay,
Helps me think straight.
And when the thoughts exhaust me,
It lets me let go of them and wander,
But I know I'll eventually have to leave it again.
Face them:
Parents,
“Friends,”
Bullies,
Everyone,
Myself.
***
I'll walk with a false courage,
Trying to convince the random,
"I really don't care what you think."
But I really do.
Look a little closer:
I'm on the edge, so fragile...
So weak and just a glance will break me...
Can't see it?
Don't believe me?
“I'm perfectly fine,” and a small smile to prove it.
Good enough for you.
But...
***
I'm actually screaming in pain.
It's only when I really shatter it shows,
And when I crumble
Everything falls away;
I go numb.
I need to get back to the surface!
Before I get to deep!
The blade will wake me up!
Yes, the blade…
***
No.
Ignore the cravings.
I take out my headphones.
They hug my ears.
I believe I have another friend!
They sing to me…
Sing words I understand,
Slowly bring me back up,
Slowly curing the crave.
But it lingers…
***
I listen to the words,
They slosh around.
I believe them all,
I let them pierce me.
***
"Why is your music so demonic?"
"How come no one heard her when she said, maybe I'm better off dead!"
"Why are you so emo? "
"All the anger inside! I feel like Jekyll and Hyde!"
"You're such a freak!"
"I know you lay in bed, contemplating your own death… "
***
I know I do, I know I am,
I'm fat = I'll satisfy you, I stopped eating
I'm ugly = I'll satisfy you, I'll look down so you can't see my face
I'm weird = I'll satisfy you, I won't talk to you anymore
I'm emo = I can't satisfy you I'm sorry
My music is demonic = I--
I play it too loud = sorry, I--
I'm a freak = but I'm tryi--!
I don't eat enough = *retches from overeating too fast*
I'm short = It’s not my--
Depressed = I can’t he--
Stupid = I studie--
Idiot = I'm just exhau--
Faggot = Well, I'm --
Bitch = Plea--
Kill yourself = …
***
I'm sorry!
I can't be who you want me to.
You want me to kill myself,
I tried but I'm scared.
No,
I'm paranoid
and it's getting stronger.
I'm sorry.
I push you away.
I have too.
I can't.
I know because you say it all the time.
You say it the most out of everything that is said.
You say it through other people,
You say it through my family’s eyes,
you even whisper it in my ear where only I can hear.
I will never accomplish anything
I will never be enough.
Aren't I just a waste of space and time?
Oh wait--
I've heard that one too much too.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hello Emolemon!
I wanna start off by saying that this poem is beautiful! I adore the imagery and the overall theme of the poem, it's honestly perfect!
However, the first line when you say your eyes are "fluffy" doesn't really make sense. I also think that the asterisks aren't needed as it takes away from the story, I think you could have made these all separate poems and it would have been just as powerful, and sometimes it cuts off thoughts making the story seem to jump around.
Other than that, I think this was great and I can't wait to read more from you!
<3 Thedumbbrunette
Thank you! I used asterisks because for some reason my computer wouldn't let me do spaces between stanzas.
Oh! Okay that makes more sense
Hello Lems! Here to review as requested! (Also thanks for being the first to request a review <3)
I'm not sure how eyes can be fluffy. I just feel like this is a weird adjective to use to describe your eyes.Clarity
You stayed on topic for the most part and didn't repeat yourself, which is what I was afraid of happening. I did kinda feel like the topic wavered a bit, but not badly enough for me to say 'fix it'. I'm just saying that you didn't seem to have a specific thing you were talking about at times.
Flow
Your flow is very natural and really, I'm not sure I can help you much here! xD I'm guessing the asterisks are just there for stanza separation on yws, because they do break up the poem. Without them, it'll be just fine in my opinion!
Imagery
To be honest, there isn't a ton of imagery or figurative language that I noticed. I'm not sure if this piece is lacking them, but a little bit wouldn't hurt and it would definitely add to the emotion and pack a punch.
Emotion
You've packed a lot of emotion into this poem! I feel like I can just hear you pleading and telling this almost story poem.
Individual line thoughts
All the other lines for the most part are structured as a normal sentence, so adding 'it' to the beginning of the sentence would make it flow better.
Let's go with 'my thoughts'. 'The thoughts' feels a little broad and impersonal, like they might not be your thoughts.
Woah, this feels like a word vomit. I have little clue what you're trying to say here. *re-reads the first stanza* Okay, let's re-word this a bit. Here's what I got: "It helps me to let go of them and wander". This even helps improve your flow a little bit.
Just a suggestion, you don't have to use it, but what if you said '...leave its comfort again'?
Again, as most of your lines are more sentence-like, I'd change this a bit to 'And have to face them:' or 'And face them'. This isn't as much of a need, but it does help.
I'd just change the comma to a semi-colon.
I'm going to suggest that you change the 'and' to a 'that'.
Just suggesting a 'you' so it's 'Don't you believe me?'.
'That is shows' maybe? For more flow and sense.
I would replace the former exclamation mark because you are basically continuing the sentence on the nest line.
Comma after 'you'
It's just that these are the only two lines where you don't capitalize the first word after the equals sign.
Maybe a comma after 'tried'
Overall, a very powerful poem! Great job and keep writing!
~Cat
P.S. *hugs* I really hope you're okay now! Please PM me if you ever need to talk about anything. <3
Thanks, Cat, I never would have caught any of these, thank you! *hugs back* okay <3
You're welcome! I'm happy to help! c:
<3
Oh my gosh... This is too good.
Thank you!
Emo! This. Is. Beautiful.
And I really hope it gets better for you. <3
XD sorry, you don't have to call me emo, usually people just go with Lems. And thanks, really!
Thanks for sharing this very intense poem. The thing that I notice most of all is that the speaker, whether it is you or it is a persona you are using in order to write this poem, is giving far too much importance on how other people's opinions.
Please keep in mind that is all they are-opinions and nothing more. They can only have power over you if you validate them. If you ignore them completely and be the best that you can be-then they are totally irrelevant to your success in life. The trick is not to give the people who are making those statements the satisfaction of showing that they are affecting you to the degree that they wish. That only encourages such people to continue.
Also, if parents are involved in psychological abuse of their kids they are breaking the law and there are agencies which are assigned to deal with such abuse. I suggest that you avail yourself of their services. There are hot lines that can be called where you will be provided with the assistance you need.
One can be found here.
https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/
As for the poem, it conveys very effectively the anguish that you or the persona you are using experiences. You have great descriptive talent and have much valuable things to contribute to others via that writing talent.Perhaps in the future you yourself can become a counselor and help those who are experiencing what you experienced and will have great empathy because of your experience.
Thank you again! I might actually be a counselor, I've considered it before, but as for my parents, I don't know I can't leave them. They dislike what I wear and always tell me I'm selfish or point out what's wrong with me, but they also put a roof over my head and well, provide internet. I just feel like it'd be extremely ungrateful if I just decided to leave. My whole family would probably cut off connection with me. And if they didn't they'd probably just treat me like garbage every time I try to come over for holidays and birthdays. I can't do that because of my brothers and sister, they would hate me too because these are all my problems and I guess it all just goes back to being called selfish. I don't know, I just can't hold anything against them because they'd find a way to make me look like an ungrateful child. Okay, I know I'm just rambling now, I'm sorry. But, thanks again.
No rambling at all. I understand because I had a very similar experience with my family when I was growing up even after. So I know the frustration and the pain involved. Glad to hear that you have interest in counseling and helping others. Also, just because parents have custody doesn't mean that they are authorized to treat children in any way they wish. There are laws that protect children from such treatment. If you wish to PM me please feel free to do so.
Okay, thank you so much. Really.
I want to be that friend that you talked about, but I know I'm not. But anyway, you described how I feel everyday. I can't feel a single thing anymore. I just can't stand being here anymore.
LAKE YOU ARE THE FRIEND I WAS TALKING ABOUT
I LITERALLY TELL YOU ALL THE TIME I HAVE NO FRIENDS IRL
LAKE YOU KNOW YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND AND I LOVE YOU
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THIS!
PLEASE STAY!!! PLEASE STAND IT FOR ME AT LEAST!!!
but I understand if I'm not enough
Haha that's what this poem is about isn't it?
I'm never enough.
honestly I fantasize about meeting you someday and i can actually imagine warm arms around me when I'm wrapped in blankets! Also if you leave I'm going to feel like you died. It won't help my depression and I don't know if it'll be any better to yours. I'm really begging you! You are one of the realest friends I've ever made!
You're always enough Lems. I imagine meeting you someday too, but I know that once you see me, you'll turn away.
I won't! I'm like a dog, loyal till death! Also, if I get super fond of you, I start to hug you a lot, poke you, then bite you-but not hard... I know I'm really weird.... Just a warning! Also lake your beautiful and amazing, and you know I could never turn away from you!
Did you write this from your own feelings? If so I know how you feel. Partly because that's what today was like and also because the emotion was in there along with the words. You did an excellent job. Does writing... Thinking like this scare you? Anyway, the only thing I can think of to tell you is keep writing with both your heart and mind.
Thank you, and being completely honest, it gets terrifying.
Yeah... My own poem, 'Pain', I made today. Thing is it came from my heart. Usually, I'm the one my friends go to, to defuse these type of thoughts. It's scary now that I'M the one thinking them.
Why? How? I just-- my goodness!
I love this sooooo much. Thank you!
@RavenLord @SpaceSnickerdoodle @Lake @SirHenryFisher @Ithaca @Saruka @Londone @saentiel @izanami @woahhitherepal @Flumadiddle @TheBlueCat @269609 @WhosabellCanWrite @LittleLee @BookishBrook @GodHatesShane @Londone @WanderlustStardust @LJF