Hunger to Help

Hullo emolemon! Cat here to review this poem in the spirit of review day! I'm going to try out a new review style so I hope this helps!

I really love the simplicity of the poem and your flow is wonderful! I'm not super sure at what you are trying to get across here, but I still do love it.

I have a couple suggestions for you, so let's hop in, shall we? Okay, so in this line; "My A N X I E T Y is eating away at my conscience" I think this should be broken up into two lines, with the new line starting after 'away', but you could start e new line in a couple places and it would still work. Over here; "Telling it you will hate me if I dare to approach" I got a bit stumbled up, but it makes sense. I would maybe read it out loud a couple times to find out if there is a way to make it flow even better. I may just be stumbling because I can't English properly One last thing, on this line; "Closer and closer, but my demons drag me back" I think you could simply start a new line instead of adding a comma; you can still leave the comma the the end, but I think it would work nicely if you broke it up. I just want to end this by saying that these are all my suggestions to further improve your poem! You don't have to change anything if you don't want to.

Well, great job! Keep writing!

Hi there! First off, welcome to Young Writers Society! I don't think I've ran across your work, but I'm glad to be here to review it.

Quick Points
One thing I liked about this poem is it did feel pretty focussed as far as what emotions you were expressing - it's all sort of rooted around this idea of anxiety and what seems like panic. As the poem progresses the narrator gets more and more anxious or paranoid, and we end hearing their biggest fear "Don't be gone/Forget me and go on".

I think those last two lines could be phrased a bit more clearly/smoothly like maybe "Do not leave/or forget me here". "Don't be gone" just sounds a bit rough in comparison.

Throughout the piece there were small phrasing pieces like that where it seemed a bit too casual for the intensity of the emotion being expressed for instance the "Yeah, I'm too weak" seems way too non-chalant comparison to "DON'T LET ME FADE" which immediately follows.

I would actually say that overall the "all capital" lines were a bit distracting for me in the context of the poem and I would suggest making it a cleaner without all caps.

Two more quick critiques that I think would take this poem to the next level.

1) More Specificity

My biggest suggestion would be to make the conflict a bit more specific, there are moments here and there where as a reader I have sort of a feeling of what you're talking about. Like when you use the different metaphors -- but most of the time I was a bit lost of what the overall conflict was. Adding details about the character's relationship to each other, and what they're actually going through would really help a reader connect to the poem. Specifically you talk about how the narrator can feel the other character's pain - but as a reader we have no idea what this pain is coming from or why the narrator cares about it. So adding some of those details and making the conflict concrete would really help flesh out this poetic narrative.

I wrote a short article on some ways to increase the specificity of a piece if you're having any trouble with it.
Specificity in Poetry

2) More Line Consistency
My next big suggestion to bring this poem to the next level would be to increase the consistency of the lines. There were a few lines here and there that seemed super long in comparison to the the short style of the rest of the piece.

The lines I though stood out as a bit odd were:
"My A N X I E T Y is eating away at my conscience
Telling it you will hate me if I dare to aproach
The wall between us I want to break down"

and

"Closer and closer, but my demons drag me back"

These lines were all about twice as long as every other line which made the flow of the piece a bit awkward and disjointed. It was especially noticeable in that first set of three because the lines were altogether.

Overall

Overall I enjoyed reading this rather short poem and would love a bit more development into some of the plot points and maybe an expansion on the metaphors that you already have.

Best of luck in all of your writing, and if you had any questions about my review - feel free to ask!

alliyah

I really like this!
I can see it being turned into a song. It cuts right to the heart, very poetic. <3

My mind threw up again