Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Alvis
The smell of smoke swarmed in the air. I heard a ringing in my ears. The ringing was deafening. It blocked out any other sound that was being made around me. But then it began to fade and I could hear the thunder once again.
I finally opened my eyes to see the cloudy sky above me. I suddenly felt a burning pain in my hand. A singeing generator sat pathetically in my palm. With a yelp of pain I flung it up in the air. It hit the ground a few feet away from me and lay in a muddy puddle of gunk.
I had a feeling, as though I wanted to stand. I obviously knew I wanted to because I needed to get back home. I had to get back to Emmalyn and her mother. They had to know I was alright. Being out during a storm was in fact illegal and right now I was breaking that law. I was sure to get a yelling at when I got home.
My stomach suddenly dropped. I had attempted to stand but something was weighing me down, something that was definitely heavier than me, and I had a horrible idea about what was holding me down.
I lifted my head to gaze at my chest. Laying limply on it was none other than my sister, Paton. She had her arms practically holding me. Her left hand was touching my shoulder as the other was wrapped around my abdomen. Her blond hair had fallen out of her tight bun and now fanned out all over her back and covered her face with a couple strands. Her uniform now had burn marks scattered across it. They were all over her sleeves all over her pants and her boots. Everywhere.
The one thing that made me freeze was her face. It was so calm looking; so peaceful. Her grey as death eyes were shut, blocking out all the angst that has ever occurred between us. I couldn't help but to feel as though everything was alright, but deep down I knew that my whole life was just about to fall apart.
"Paton?" I asked as I grabbed her hand that was on my shoulder in my own. It didn't even flinch. A knot built up inside my throat. With shaky movement I succeeded in moving her off of me. I sat up onto my knees and held her in my arms.
It sure as hell didn't feel real. Paton was away from me for five whole years and yet I still believed that any second now those eyes were going to open. But they never did.
"Paton . . . c'mon, we need to go home." I whimpered as I gazed down at my pale sibling. I watched as drops began to fall onto her face. Tears that appeared from my own eyes.
"Please, get up. " my mouth practically spoke by itself. It had to now since I was too stubborn to speak to Paton earlier. I slid her blond locks off her face.
"Hey over there! Are you alright!" A man shouted as he ran from the town heading in my direction.
"You're not supposed to be out here!" An overweight woman yelled along with the man. I found irony in this statement for they were now out here with me on this dreary day.
They stopped in their tracks as they gazed upon me. A few other towns people ran out with them. There was a total of five people now. I recognized all of them and yet none of their names came to mind.
"Oh my . . . " the woman said in awe. A silence fell over all of them.
"We need to get them out of here, c'mon." Someone finally stated. I felt hands grab my arms and pull me to my feet. Paton's limp body fell out if my hands and landed on the ground.
"Wait, let go of me!" I screeched at them. But they kept going. They kept walking away from Paton. They kept going until I couldn't see her anymore.
The man who had taken me away knocked on the oak door of Emmalyn's home. The door immediately creeked open. There stood my red haired friend. Emmalyn let out a sigh of relief.
"Where the hell have you been! I've been going crazy!" She squealed. I looked up at her.
She gasped, " What happened to you, are you alright?"
I didn't say anything for a while. The man who brought me here left without spouting a word to either of us.
"Alvis! Say something!" Emmalyn finally shouted.
I clenched my teeth together, "Paton's dead!" There wasn't another word spoken that night. Not a single word.
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hihi, Daisuki here.
So, when I started reading this I was a little unsure because the writing sounded pretty simple. "I heard a ringing in my ears. The ringing was deafening." The repetition here and short simple sentences make it sound a little childish. However, if the narrator is in shock from a traumatic event (I'm assuming lightning), then this kind of thought is more realistic. The next couple paragraphs have excellent descriptions, but I'm still getting hung up on the repetitive sentence structure: "I had a feeling, as though I wanted to stand. I obviously knew I wanted to because I needed to get back home. I had to get back to Emmalyn and her mother."
"I, I, I." I think you have an excellent writing style and great imagery, but you would benefit a lot from switching up sentence structure a bit. For example, you could try something like this:
"I had a feeling, as though I wanted to stand. It was obvious that I wanted to; I needed to get back home. I had to get back to Emmalyn and her mother."
While I didn't change much, it's just really helpful to have some different words to switch up the pace. Maybe you could try rereading your story and looking for unintentional repetition. I really think this will make your story flow better!
When I got to the part where the narrator realizes Paton is dead, I was really impressed how emotional it was. The situation of someone talking to a dead body, hoping they're still alive but knowing they're not, is heart breaking. It's over quite quickly, though. When the people come and take the narrator away, I might suggest that you put some description of the narrator thrashing or struggling trying to get back to the body. Maybe even calling out her name. As of now, the narrator only yells.
Anyways, your writing is great and I really hope that I was able to help even a little bit.
-Daisuki
Thanks for the review and advice.
Hi,pretzelsnow here for a review
I loved the suspense that you build in this story;I was sitting at the edge of my seat,just waiting to know what happened next. I am very surprised that no on else reviewed this work yet.
Coming into Chapter 4,I do not know what happened before so I don't know the context.
This scene had lots of drama and I liked it.
I just want to point out something:
I was kind of confused by your word choice.Was Alvis crying? Or were the tears on Paton's face from Paton's crying?Please make that clear and I personally don't know.
At the beginning,you jumped right into the action. I truly admire when an author uses that tactic because it really get's the reader or reviewer excited and interested in the text. I don't understand how Paton died and I hope that you do explain that in your future chapters or that you have explained this already previously.
I can sympathize with Alvis, and it's always a good sign if the reader can understand and sympathize with the character. I also noticed that you used the three dots ... a lot in your writing. Remember to not overuse it and use in the right places.
In this place the three dots didn't fit.It just didn't match in this place. In the other two places it was fine and even appropriate.
The ending was kind of boring, but you successfully domed down the action. This was the falling action of the plot of this chapter. I think that the climax was when Alvis found beautiful Paton dead.
I hope that this review helps and you have some action-packed lovely story. I encourage you to keep on writing.
-pretzelsnow
Thanks so much for the review. I admit that while I was writing this I was a bit nervous about how people would reply to this. Writing texts such as this isn't exactly my strong suit so I'm glad that you liked it. For your question about whether or not Alvis was crying yes he was, and for the thing about the three dots that is a bit of a habit I need to break and I will fix it
. Thank you once again for the review!!!