Lifeline chapter 3

by emmals16

Published December 20, 2014

16+ Language Violence

In Life line

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

   I stared up into the face of my elder sister Paton. Her grey as death eyes staring down at me. Her blond bangs caressing down her face and pointing at me while the rest of of her long locks were pulled back into a tight, professional looking bun. 

      She wore the usual woman's uniform for the military. A navy blue overcoat with a tank top underneath and a knee high skirt with leggings to go underneath some black steel toed boots.

    "Alvis?" She questioned. Not sure if it was me she was asking. Probably herself. The fact that she had the nerve to look at me the way she did after five years infuriated me. It was as though she had just seen a demon and was frozen with fear. 

    I yanked my arm away and continued on my way down the alley. I was heading to a field on the outskirts of town. That's where I always hid my failed generators so that the military never found them. Of course on my way I just happened to run into a colonel of the military. Someone who I had a feeling wouldn't just let me walk away. I was correct too. I heard the scraping of footsteps behind me. There had to be a way to get rid of her, and I was pretty sure I had the perfect idea.

    From the middle of the road I turned to the bar that was crowded by drunkards that spent their days mourning their kin that that were taken away and died in the battles defending our borders. 

    "Hey buddies! Here's a colonel of the military right here. Don't you want to show your respect to a commissioner?" I bellowed. Evil glares glanced over in Paton and my direction. The drunkards stood and began to walk, a little wobbly, over to my now aware sister.

    Before I could watch the scene unravel I dashed in the direction of the field.

    "Alvis! Get back here!" She bellowed as she began to get swarmed. It was about one third a mile away. Buildings flew by me as I continued down the new alley that I entered back at the bar. Most of the buildings were made of a brick like substance but I paid no specific attention on the specific details.

      I finally arrived at my desired location. I'm probably the only person in the entire world who would desire to be in a lonely, muddy field on a cloudy day rather than back in a warm house with a fireplace. The field I was in hadn't been used in decades. Since machines usually did the job of planting the seeds and irrigating them in the soil the farmers expanded field size to get as many products as they could. But when the grid crashed most of the fields across the nation became useless abandoned land.

     I scurried over to the location I always hid my iron shovel and unburied it from all of the layers of muck. It's wooden handle was soaked and had the outside of it deteriorating. I half it firmly in my right hand as I dropped the destroyed generator on the swamp-like ground. With one heavy sweep of the shovel it tore into the earth. I listened as the scraping of pebbles slid across the shovel head. That sound was immediately overshadowed by the voice of a woman's voice. 

      "Alvis, what the hell was that?" Paton yelled from behind me.

       I turned swiftly around, "That was quick! I was just seeing how those long years at the military base in Washington D.C. honed your skills." I improvised what I said obviously, but saying that it's because I needs to lose her due to the fact that I am a technically a wanted boy for creating a failed attempt at a device that creates electricity wasn't exactly an option.

      "Yeah well, a group of intoxicated men weren't much of a challenge. They apparently thought I was feet away from where I actually was." She began to walk toward me. I clenched the metallic box behind my back. I held the shovel over my shoulder also clenching the handle of that.

      "Well, in any case. It was impressive nonetheless." I nervously stuttered as she came even closer to me. Her eyes looked calm as though this was just a normal situation and she was a little bored. I wondered then what my eyes looked like. 

      She stopped about a foot in front of me. 

      "C'mon, we should go back to the house. It's supposed to storm and it's a law that no one is to be outside during one." She told me. 

       Her head cocked to the side, "You're hiding something behind your back . . . aren't you?" She asked.

        I was screwed. She knew there was something behind my back. I just had to lie. Lying always solved problems. Yeah . . . come up with a lie.

        I pulled the generator out from behind my back, "Oh this! Well, I found this piece of metal just lying in the middle of the street. I was worried that someone would get cut on it so I just . . . " With a violent thrust she yanked the generator out of my hands and held it in her own.

        "I'm many things Alvis, but a moron is not one of them." She said as she identified my machine. She turned and rotated it. Then she looked up at me.

         "This was experimented on with a type of electrical recource." My sister said with her eyes locked on mine. I didn't dare look away. She had been at the military base for five years. They trained her to be loyal to their cause and do whatever it takes to fix and protect America. There was a hefty percent that she would follow the law and turn me in. 

          But this was also Paton. I didn't expect her to leave those many years ago either, she showed no sign in anything pertaining to that type of thing. She was and most likely still is unpredictable.

           "Have you been experimenting with electrical energy?" She asked me.

            Just come out and say it I told myself. So I did.

           "Yeah, I have been for three years." I answered. She didn't even flinch. And just like how I said she's unpredictable she did something unexpected.

            A small nastolgic grin appeared on her face,"You always were spontaneous. Always defying me with everything I said." 

            Just like she always did when we were little. She surprised me. It was more like shocked but a positive connotation was on my mind.

             "You've put me in quite the position here Alvy." She groaned as she rubbed her head in a manner that made her look like she was trying to think. But more importantly she used my nickname. Well, the nickname she had given me to bug me when we were little. This however didn't bug me. It was . . . heartwarming. The fact that she remembered that after so long. 

             "So, are you gonna turn me in or no?" I asked looking down at the ground. She didn't respond for a couple moments and I began to get worried. 

              Just then a crack of thunder boomed across the darkening field. I rose my head to look up at the now black sky. In the distance I saw the rays of neon blue lightning. The back thing was that it was getting closer and closer to our positions.

               "Alvis! We need to get out of here, now!" Paton yelled as another boom surrounded us. I needed to bury the generator or else there's a chance that another militant might find it during checkups of our fuel for the fire and other recourses. 

             I quickly lunged toward Paton and yanked the box out of her clutches,"You go! I need to take care of this real quick!" I yelled as the thunder once again echoed through the field.

             Paton stood there frozen as I shoved the shovel into the ground once again and took out a large chunk of earth. 

             "Alvy, you're such an idiot! Don't you get it, we're in the middle of an empty field with a metal box! The lightning's going to be attracted to whatever the hell that is! And if it's not then we're also likely targets, we have you go!" She explained to me.

              I shoved the shovel once again into the field's soil. About twenty meters in front  of me I saw a lightning bolt strick the ground. It left a giant burn mark where it touched. The force was so strong that it sent a tremor all the way to where I was.

             As if by instinct I looked at Paton. She was gazing up at the sky with her mouth slit opened and eyes widened with fear. I followed her gaze.

              Right above us was a display of the plasma bolts getting ready to strike down. I felt my stomach twist. I had made a mistake. We should have left and gone home, now I was going to get myself killed right along side my sister.

               And it was all my fault. 

              I saw the sky brighten like the rising sun except ten times brighter. 

               I felt two hands knock me down to the ground and hold me there. 

              I felt the heat and electric surge of the lightning that surrounded us. 

              I felt the metallic box that was still in my clutches burning my hand.

              And then I felt nothing.

          

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
artemis15sc
Review
artemis15sc wrote a review Review · Dec 28, 2014

Hey, it's me again. I was so excited when I saw this in the green room. Even though it's been a while, I was able to pick up where I'd left off with the crazy relationship between Paton and her brother.

I have a lot of comments for you, but they're all nitpicks. This was fabulously paced and written. And chapter three is right about where I expect something really exciting to happen, and boom, something really exciting has happened.

Anyway, my nitpicks:

Her grey as death eyes staring down at me.
I think her grey as death eyes should be -grey-as-death since it's functioning as one word, but I'm not sure.

Her blond bangs caressing down her face and pointing at me while the rest of of her long locks were pulled back into a tight, professional looking bun.
I would change caressing to caressed and pointing to pointed so it reads better.

A navy blue overcoat with a tank top underneath and a knee high skirt with leggings to go underneath some black steel toed boots.
I would advise against using underneath twice in the same sentence. I would recommend deleting the second one and just syaing, "with leggings and some black-steel toed boots." Also, if you've already mentioned what's she's wearing, you don't need to do it again, but if you haven't, then it's fine here.

From the middle of the road I turned to the bar that was crowded by drunkards that spent their days mourning their kin that that were taken away and died in the battles defending our borders.
I might have mentioned that I don't like the word that already, but I definitely don't like it twice. Delete on of them. :)

The drunkards stood and began to walk, a little wobbly, over to my now aware sister.
I get what you're saying but it doesn't red right. You may need to make it two sentences, like "The drunkards stood and began to walk, a little wobbly, over to my sister. Finally, she realized what was happening." You could make it better, but hopefully you understand what I mean.

Most of the buildings were made of a brick like substance but I paid no specific attention on th
on th what? on the what! b The suspense is killing me.

But when the grid crashed most of the fields across the nation became useless abandoned land.
you need a comma after useless, and maybe abandoned, but I'm not sure.

half it firmly in my right hand as I dropped the destroyed generator on the swamp-like ground.
Is half supposed to be hold?

I turned swiftly around immediately,
Swiftly implies immediately, so I would delete immediately.

"C'mon, we should go back to the house. It's supposed to storm and it's a law that no one is to be outside during one." She told me.
Her head cocked to the side, "You're hiding something behind your back . . . aren't you?" She asked.
I would make this one paragraph. Also, you need a comma instead of period after one, she needs to be lowercase, and you need a period after side. Generally speaking, dialogue tags are attached to the sentence by a comma, and action tags are separated by a period. Let me know if this doesn't make sense and I'll try to clarify.

"So, are you gonna turn me in or no?" I asked looking down at the ground. She didn't respond for a couple moments and I began to get worried.
You need a comma after asked.

And if it's not then we're also likely targets, we have you go!" She explained to me.
Is you supposed to be to?

And I'm done. I really love the relationship between these siblings. It's intricate and realistic. I connect to it, I find myself thinking about it after I read, which is awesome. It's also important in these unrealistic stories to have something the audience can relate too, and you do this brilliantly.

Thanks for sharing!

-Art

Thanks for your review :). Most of the spelling errors are because of spell check. True as it is I did in fact spell them wrong to begin with . . . oops, but for some reason spell check thought what they replaced it with made sense. As for the incomplete sentence where the suspense was killing you, I will fix that. It wasn't anything special but I still need to fix it. To end it I'm glad you like the sibling's relationship. I sort of based it off of my relationship with my brother. Again thanks for the review! :)

User avatar
Chanta1234
Review
Chanta1234 wrote a review Review · Dec 20, 2014

Okay , so on the last part you shouldn't have wrote it in poem form when this was supposed to be a book. Why did you start paragraphs again and again when you should've had put it in the right form for it. When you said back thing didn't you mean bad thing? "So, are you gonna turn me in or no?" I asked looking down at the ground. She didn't respond for a couple moments and I began to get worried. On this part shouldn't you have put " Are you going to turn me in or not?"



Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson