Paton
"Colonel wake up!" I heard someone call. I swung my eyes open and jerked forward. It was confusingly still dark, but it was only dark because of my tilted that covered my eyes to keep out the sunlight. My uniform jacket laid on my upper body covering my chest and abdomen like a blanket.
I quickly put my hat on correctly and threw my jacket off revealing my black tank top and amethyst on a silver sword pendant with a silver chain necklace. I didn't want for anyone to see me in my sleep like state.
"Driver, where are we?" I asked the man who sat at the front of the carriage who I didn't bother remembering the name of.
"We are right outside of Tacoma, Washington. It should only be a few minutes until we arrive." He tiredly announced. I didn't blame him for being tired; he had in fact been up all night and all last afternoon. I was sure to pay him well once we got to Tacoma.
The carriage wasn't a five star ride. It was good enough though to have two benches with cushions on them and two wide windows along the two sides. It also, of course, had a roof. The driver sat on a small ledge that came off the front and controlled two horses that led the carriage. The cushions to which I sat upon were blue velvet and a bit worn from over the years of use. The wood that the carriage was made out of was a dark oak wood.
I stared at the matching dark blue velvet curtains that covered the window. Just one push with my hand against them would allow me to finally see my home town.
My hand slowly and timidly reached for the colored curtains and took hold of them. I pushed them over to the left and the bright light of the sun shone through and smacked right into my face. I squinted my eyes a bit trying to get used to the bright colors hitting my face.
Finally I got used to the sun and opened my eyes wider. It looked nothing like the city of Washington D.C.; it was so tranquil and full of life. Trees were everywhere standing tall and graceful. Snow scattered across the ground with no footsteps intruding its slick beauty. Mountains looked so powerful and overbearing looking upon the town.
We entered the city revealing the few houses that were near the entrance. They looked like normal middle class houses that most likely had middle class families living inside them.
The carriage started to pass businesses that took refuge in the town. A building out of bricks that was used as a bar had towns folk conversing on the outside of it. They glared menacingly at the carriage; eyebrows arched and everything.
The carriage came to an immediate stop.
"We're here madam." The driver announced. On the opposite side of the carriage showed the town's school. It was made out of brick as well. Inside it's windows I could see children young and old learning from their seats.
I couldn't help but wonder if Alvis was someone in there. Obviously he was. He did always have a fascination with learning; especially when it came to science. He liked to learn about the years when our country was filled with electricity. The way we used it for about everything we did was amazing to him. How much I've missed those wondrous dark brown eyes.
I threw my jacket on the correct way and buttoned it up to my collar. I then fixed my hair that was made into a bun and put my hat on straight on top of it. I then took a deep breath before I turned the handle and stepped through the wooden gateway to the outside world.
I was greeted by a cool breeze to my face. The smell in the air was filled with smoke. Most likely from all the fireplaces strewn throughout Tacoma.
Interrupting my thoughts a dark skinned male came joyously walking toward me. He had Dark brown irises and black hair that was cut almost skin close. He was about mid sized, neither fat nor skinny. He wore a bright white smile on his face.
"Greetings colonel Hellernack! Welcome to our beloved Lincoln High School! " he greeted as he came up to me. I smiled right back at him and held my hand out for a handshake. He gladly took it with two hand and shook it up and down once.
"Please do come in to meet our military students." The man putting his right hand on my right shoulder to lead me inside said.
You might say I was filled with nostalgia walking through the front doors of my old High school. The way the light blue tiled floor and white brick walls made the hallways seem bright and full of joy. The candles that lit up the hallway majestically made the halls seem wise in some sort of way.
"And here are our troops!" The man who I assumed was the principle excitedly announced.
All the men and women that stood before seemed like normal troops that were currently in the military. Muscular, hair out of the way, good posture, hands and arms flat against their sides whenever a superior was around, and emotionless. They were all most likely trained to be "yes men" for the commanders of the five squadrons of the military.
The five squadrons of the military are basically the stations at which new troops or even some old troops are assigned to. The northeast, the northwest, the southeast, the southwest, and the center lands. The names pretty much describe where they are located. All except the center lands are meant to make sure no one gets in through the border. It insures that us as a nation don't have to worry about spies and terrorists that travel through the borders. The center lands also as the name describes are the military units that take care of the current American population.
There is about three miles of space in between the outside border and the center lands border. That way the troops who are assigned to units in the border squadrons don't have to worry about civilian intrusion or casualties. Tacoma is the closest town in Washington to the outside border.
I noticed one male new troop that was watching me with a confused expression of him face.
"What is it rookie?" I asked with my enforceful, attention getting voice. He moved from foot to foot uncomfortably.
"Ma'am, it's just that I do not understand why you allow a citizen to touch you in such a friendly manner sir . . . er I-I mean ma'am!" He told me in the loud clear way they were trained in the military courses at the school. I ignored the part where he called me sir instead of ma'am. It didn't bother me much.
I noticed that the principle still had his right hand on my right shoulder. I assumed that that's what he meant by "citizen to touch you in such a friendly manner".
I gave a slight smile and spoke the truth," I see no harm done in letting an equal human to be friendly. As long as they don't touch me with a weapon or in a violent manner. Of course that does not mean you have to follow my same belief as me."
The rookie who had told me he did not understand looked at his fellow rookies.
"Now then. Moving on; you all seem to be worthy troops. I only have one question before I can transfer all of you to Washington D.C. for your squadron assignment." I paused to make sure they understood. None of them look confused so I continued.
"Would you do anything in you power, even give up your own life to full fill the military's wishes." In order from left to right they all, as usual, answered yes. It was the exact answer that the military wanted. So I passed them all.
I left the group of rookies and the principle that was now congratulating all of them to go outside to visit my hometown. It was one of the reasons I asked my commander to allow me to be the one to debrief the new group of troops.
The driver still sat upon his ledge on the carriage. His face was facing the sky and he had his eyes shut with his mouth hanging open. Poor guy was probably exhausted from the long, drawn out, sleepless drive here from D.C. He just needed a moment of shut eye. I took out my black leather wallet that was almost too big to fit in my uniform jacket's pocket. I pulled out five dollars. In this time of angst there isn't money to which you could just throw around. Five dollars was incredibly generous, and yet I still felt as though I should give him more. It's just the hopeless personality of me.
As I wandered down the street that had gotten me to the school I saw that the men who were in front of the bar were still there, glaring at me with angered eyes. I slowly walked past trying my best to ignore the group of civilians. My attention though was immediately drawn away by a hooded figure past the distance of the bar.
The posture and body structure of the figure led me to assume that it was male. In his hands was actually what caught my eye. It was a twisted metal box about the size of his head. The height of the figure had me assume that he was a child most likely still going to the high school. Of course the high school had been out for about three hours now so it wasn't unusual for a student to be out.
But then the boy looked at me. He then dashed away down a sideways alley behind the bar. My instinct was to follow him. It was actually the instinct of the military to always look into strange behavior. I'm pretty sure this counted as strange behavior.
I ran down the alleyway following close behind the grey hoodie wearing boy. He was quite fast, at least at one point he was definitely trained in military courses in high school. He wasn't so fast as to not allow me to catch up though. I eventually came to about a foot close to him before I grabbed his arm in a tightly clenched fist. The boy lost his balance and swung back hitting his shoulder into my gut in the process. I grunted a bit from the impact but stayed focused on the task at hand.
I noticed the metal box in his hand. Fire wouldn't have caused this type of formation to the metal. This had to have come from an explosion.
"Get this hood the hell off!" I said as I reached for his struggling head to take his hood off. I succeeded in doing so but the outcome of my discovery was far from predictable.
"Alvis?" I questioned my own eyes seeing the face of my younger brother staring up into my own.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Lifeline chapter 3Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there. Once again, great job world-building and keeping the action up. You're also doing a great job creating distinct, relate able characters. I love how Alvis make his sister seem cold and heartless, then we immediately get to see things from her perspective and understand that she does love her brother. Two chapters and you've already got some great, nuanced characters. I love it.
could read "The principle still had his right hand on my right shoulder."Her are my major comments:
1. vary your sentence length. You have a lot of really long-sentences which slows down your reader. You want to have a good mix of long, medium, and short sentences to keep things interesting.
2. Be careful of phrases like "I saw" "I noticed" "I watched" "I heard" etc... In first person, when the narrator comments on something, we know they're seeing, watching, hearing, or noticing it without you telling us. The crazy word slayer ninja(me) loves slashing those unnecessary words. Sometimes they are necessary for clarity's sake, so make sure the sentence still makes sense without them before you slash them. Here's an example:
Here are my few little grammar nitpicks.
It should be "The Mountains..."
This is an example of a sentence that feels rushed, the problem is that you have two subjects, her thoughts, and the man, but they aren't separated by a commas, the same thing needs to happen when you have two predicates, or the sentence feels jumbled. Honestly, though, I think this sentence should be re-worded anyway since it's a little weird.
quote]You might say I was filled with nostalgia walking through the front doors of my old High school.[/quote] It should be "High School" or "high school" for consistency.
Just to recap, these are two things I saw in the last chapter that are still prevalent here.
1. The use of the word that(don't).
2. The use of the word said(do).
3. Sometimes it feels like your narrator is just telling us about a bunch of things that are happening rather than just letting experience them along with her. As much as possible you want your readers to feel like they're in the story, and I'm just not getting that here. One way, as Jack mentioned last chapter, is too add description, particularly using the five senses. What does it feel like in the carriage? And sound like? What does these settings smell-like? Do the soldiers smell sweaty? these are just a few ideas to get you started.
Wow, such an amazing ending! They're reunited, but it doesn't seam like a happy reunion. Anyway, feel free to let me know when the next chapter is up.
Thanks for sharing.
-Art
Once again thanks for the review. I just read your last review so I haven't had the chance to make changes
. I tried adding more description in this chapter but I guess I need to add more lol! I understand what you meant about the "show don't tell" thing. I will try to make it more show than tell. I will inform you when the next chapter's up. Thanks once again 
Really good, just like the last chapter.
There were a few errors, but no too many. We all make mistakes, an people find errors all the time in my work.
The first one was 'He had Dark brown' Dark needs to be uncapitalized.
This sentence was left unfinished, "Home of the ".
If you wanted Paton to not really hear what he was saying add a hyphen.
I would make " I see no harm done in letting an equal human to be friendly. As long as they don't touch me with a weapon or in a violent manner." one sentence.
You could reword ' he was definitely trained in military courses in high school at least at one point' to be 'at some point, he must have been taking the military courses at the high school.'
Other than that, I wasn't expecting the kid to be Alvis. Maybe the thing he was holding was the generator?
Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the advice and review. I'll change it as soon as I can. For the unfinished sentence I was going to see what Tacoma, Washington's school mascot was but I guess I forgot to do so. And yes. He was holding the generator
. Once again thanks for the review!