Alvis
A giant cloud of smoke exploded toward me. I went flying back in my chair.
"Alvis! What are you doing up there!" Emmalyn yelled from the living room downstairs with her high pitched country accent.
I rolled onto my side hitting my knee on my desk's leg, moving the desk a little in the process.
"Nothing!" I groaned back. It seemed like I always had to lie to her. But if I told her what I was really doing she would worry. Even more than she did about normal stupid every day things that I did.
I finally stood and picked my chair up from off my oak wood floor that has been scratched up over the years. Three of my walls were a bright neon blue. One of them was white same as my sealing.
Sitting on my desk was a twisted, spiked, burnt piece of metal that laid pathetically on my now singeing desktop, which I was surprised didn't catch on fire.
This was my twenty eighth attempt at making a generator. Why did it have to be so difficult? Years before the electrical grid crashed they used to run electricity through every house 24\7.
That was before the 66th President of the United States, Noah Domhan, ordered for robots to inhabit every state in the year 2050 for extra protection and for crime control. That caused big time innovation and before we knew it we were using twice as much electricity as we were ten years before that.
The electrical grid couldn't take that much more electricity going through it in such short of time. So it burst. We haven't been able to repair it yet. It's been 20 years since then.
Now we have to use candles for light, fire for warmth and for cooking, no electric vehicles.
Countries from all over the world have been taking advantage of our set back and has been attacking us non stop for those twenty years, but we've just barely held out for that long.
It's probably a good thing that I keep failing at making the generator. The government takes away anyone who miraculously makes something to emit electricity and wastely uses them for defense from outside countries in the military. That's exactly why I can't tell Emmalyn; she'd worry. But I have to keep working on this. If I do then maybe someday everything would go back to the way it was before the grid crashed.
"Alvis!" Emmalyn bellowed from downstairs again distracting me from my thoughts.
"What!" I shouted back a bit irritated.
"Come down here, hurry up!" She answered.
I sighed and wandered out of my room. The hallway was dimly lit by four large candles. There were also four small windows that were currently being covered by velevet red curtains. The hallway had a long red carpet running down it all the way from Mrs. Yujin's bedroom and Emmayn's bedroom to the staircase at the end of it. There must be something important she wants me to see. She usually didn't bother me and tell to come down. So whenever she did I did as she said knowing it was probably something I would want to know.
I passed the final step of the stairs and strode over to Emmalyn who was bending over the dining room table looking at something that was lying on it. Emmalyn's mom was at work in the kitchen. She had four candles set out over the counter and she was cutting up vegetables.
The downstairs of the Yujin household was pretty simple. The kitchen was in a small room that indented into the side of the room unlike everything else. The dining room was right outside that. A little farther was then living room which in reality was just a sofa looking out the opposite wall's window.
"Hey Mrs.Yujin." I greeted as I came up next to Emmalyn.
Mrs. Yujin turned from her dinner making, "Alvis, I told you. Just call me Selma."
I smirked toward her before I glanced down at the table. There was a grey newspaper with dozens of articles strewn upon it.
"Look right here." Emmalyn breathed as she pointed at an article in the flat news paper.
I followed her finger to the largest article on the paper. It was also the worst article on the paper. For me anyway.
"It says 'Colonel Paton Hellerknack who has been stationed in Washington D.C. is coming to Tacoma Friday evening for a debriefing with the new troops." She optimistically read.
Emmalyn glanced over in my direction, "She's coming home." She whispered excitedly.
I shot up from leaning against the table.
"Like I care. It said she's just coming for a debriefing. Nothing that has to do with me." I told her coldly.
Emmalyn turned away from the wooden coffee table. Selma stopped chopping up a tomatoes.
"Alvis, she's your sister. You haven't seen her in five years. I thought you'd be excited." Emmalyn tried sympathizing with me.
"It's her fault I haven't seen her in five years!" I accidentally shouted.
They stayed silent and just stared at me. Feeling like I was being the bad guy I quickly turned away and faced the staircase. I then scurried over to the staircase.
"Alvis wait." Emmalyn tried stopping me. But I was already half way up the stairs. I came into the red curtained hallway and turned into my oppositely colored room. My room was dark from the coming night. I sat on my bed and pulled out my match box. The oil lamp that sat on my bed was the only light source I had in my room. I lit it and let my room become visible again.
My sister was probably dreading coming back to this town. The fact that her pathetic little brother might look for her when she comes probably made her cringe. She most likely wanted me to join up in military classes at my school so that one day I'd be one of the new troops.
How disappointed she must be.
I laid back on my bed and glanced at the remains of my failed generator. If I ever successfully made one I'd most likely go to the military anyway. Then my sister and mother could be proud. Proud that the little runt of the family that they decided to leave with a family friend turned out to not be a complete waste of time.
These thoughts swam around in my head all that night until I finally fell into sleep. Tomorrow is friday, and after five long years I might see my elder sister.
Whether that was a good thing or not I didn't know.
End of chapter
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Hey there. Let me start by saying this is super creative. Robots caused the electrical system to fail, throwing technology back and sending society spinning? Great premise! I also love that you've jumped right into the conflict. Alvis has family problems and he might have to join the military. Awesome job.
The word "that" as an interesting word because it's often used unnecessarily. When you take it out of this sentence, it reads: "Even more than she did about normal stupid every day things I did." See, still makes sense. Read through every use of the word that and if the sentence makes sense without it, delete it. There are many unnecessary thats in this chapter.My first major comment, however, is that this chapter is very info-dumpy. I don't have a lot of questions, and that's a problem. You don't want me to be confused, but you also want me to have a reason to keep reading. For example, right now I'm reading Maze Runner and I have no idea what's happening! And I love it! Honestly, I think all you need here is to have is this "This was my twenty eighth attempt at making a generator. Why did it have to be so difficult? Years before the electrical grid crashed they used to run electricity through every house 24\7." And then cut out all of that information and jump straight to "It's probably a good thing..." Obviously we'll need to no about the robots eventually, but leave it in a trail of bread crumbs and find a more natural way to reveal it, rather than just having your POV character tell us a bunch of things.
my other thing is that some of your sentences are very word-y. When you have a bunch of unnecessary words weighing down a sentence, it weakens it's impact. Unnecessary words or weak words are everything that isn't a noun or a verb. Every word counts in a novel. Always try to rephrase things so you can say them with fewer words.
Here are a few examples of places were you can cut words.
You can delete "being" from this sentence, and velvet is misspelled.
We already know it's toward her, so you can delete "toward her" from this sentence.
Dialogue
I've got three notes about dialogue.
1. Don't be so afraid of the word said, words like greeted, told, answered, etc... actually slow down the story. Said becomes invisible, allowing the reader to skim over which makes your story flow better. Only use something different if you really want to emphasize how they said something, like shouted or whispered. However, exclamations points also communicate shouting and yelling, meaning you can use said still.
2. Be careful of -ly ending adverbs. Coldly, excitedly, optimistically, they're an example of telling, when you should be showing. Instead try describing what they look like and sound like as they say these things. Maybe they smile or their eyes get wide. There are times when you need to use -ly ending adverbs for clarity's and brevity's sake, but keep it to a minimum.
3. When possible, try replacing your dialogue tags with action, so you can avoid the constant, he said, she said... It also gives your readers a better mental picture during conversations. An example of when you use an action tag is here: "Mrs. Yujin turned from her dinner making, "Alvis, I told you. Just call me Selma." Don't be afraid to do this more often.
Grammar nitpicks:
These were the main ones I found, but there might be others.
Should be ceiling, not sealing.
Action tags and dialogue should be separated by periods, not commas.
There were a few sentences that I think needed commas. I'm still iffy on comma usage so I won't point them out, but just know that some sentences felt rushed, or like the words were all smooshing together which made them hard to read.
And that's it. It's great start, keeping going!
-Art
Thank you for reading. About the telling too much information I had written a prologueththat's whole purpose was to get the curiosity of the reader. A commenter totally slammed like every word in it so I was a little nervous to try to strike any curiosity in the audience. I may change that up a bit. Thanks for the tips about punctuation and unseeded words. I appreciate you taking the time to read this!
It's pretty good so far. It kind of reminds of that one TV show, but better dialogue and no bad acting. As far as I gather, if Emmalyn isn't related, she could be a potential love interest. But then again, I wouldn't really know. It's nice that you gave us some back story about how the U.S. became the way it is.
So far, so good.
Thanks, I appreciate you reading it
Jack here for a review.
I have to say I love your story idea. It has been used yes, but not really in this way, when you say only the U.S.A has lost electricity. This obvious thing is to attack them. Many books and movies don't do this, so congrats on coming up with such an idea.
There is so much ways you could take this story and I look forward to finding out what you are going to do with it.
Like FireBird99 said below, you tend do even though it makes it a easy read, you split it all up to much. That is good to split things up but in this case it is perhaps done to much.
Also I think your story could use a lot more description. I don't know were his is, what part of the U.S.A he could be in Nevada or Colorado, anywhere. Also I have no idea what the surroundings are like around him. I suggest that you add a little more description, such as the colour of the walls or is he walking on carpet or wood.
Also is Emmalyn his mum or the friend he is living with, I don't think you make that very clear.
Tomorrow isFriday, and after 5 long years I might see my elder sister.
there is a few problems with this ending.
One you need to split up (isFriday) and F shouldn't be a capitol. Also I suggest that you say five instead of 5, it is easy to read and looks much more professional. The ending sentence also needs to entrance the reader more to see what happens in the next chapter. Though you have tried doing this, and it has in a way worked; but you could add so much more.
Also just one question, wouldn't they use solar power, or come up with another source of electricity.
Anyway I really love where this is going, and with a bit of fixing it can go real far. Congrats on such a good story. Thumbs up!!
Jack
Thanks for the review. I was making Emmalyn up to be the daughter of the family friend, so yes she isn't related to him. As for the needed description, I did say in it that they are in Tacoma which is in Washington. I will however add more details about what the surroundings look like. I had never thought about using solar power, I may find a way to incorporate that in later. Thanks once again!
I really like it so far. You sure did leave us at a cliff hanger though which is a good thing. It intrigues the audience more. The only thing that I noticed was that you were making new paragraphs when it wasn't really needed. For example, all of this can be in one paragraph:
I finally stood and picked my chair up from off my oak wood floor that has been scratched up over the years.
Sitting on my desk was a twisted, spiked, burnt price of metal that laid pathetically on my now singeing desktop, which I was surprised didn't catch on fire.
This was my 28th attempt at making a generator. Why did it have to be so difficult? Years before the electrical grid crashed they used to run electricity through every house 24\7.
That was before the 66th President of the United States, Noah Domhan, ordered for robots to inhabit every state in the year 2050 for extra protection and for crime control. That caused big time innovation and before we knew it we were using twice as much electricity as we were 10 years before that.
The electrical grid couldn't take that much more electricity going through it in such short of time. So it burst. We haven't been able to repair it yet. It's been 20 years since then.
Now we have to use candles for light, fire for warmth and for cooking, no electric vehicles.
Countries from all over the world has been taking advantage of our set back and has been attacking us non stop for those 20 years, but we've just barely held out for that long.
It's probably a good thing that I keep failing at making the generator. The government takes away anyone who miraculously makes something to emit electricity and uses them for defense from outside countries in the military.
Glad you're liking it so far! Yeah, that's a bad habit of mine. Making new paragraphs. I'll try to prevent from doing that as much as I can in later chapters. Thanks for the feedback.