Young Writers Society

Hi Gloria,

I noticed a potential issue with your first sentence. (The night before as I sat on my bed and started planning for the next morning,)

This suggests too many different time periods that confuses the reader.

Consider revising
EX: As I sat on my bed and started planning for tomorrow, saying to myself, etc...

Consider revising
Cling, cling, cling.

This word means:

CLING,
VERB
(cling to/onto/on)
(of a person or animal) hold on tightly to.
"she clung to Joe's arm" · [more]
synonyms: hold onto · clutch · grip · grasp · clasp · attach oneself to · hang onto

Consider using, clink, for a metal bell or a beep, for an electronic bell.

Consider revising:
Too tired as I was, (I notice here this is a similar phrase as the story's opening line. It may be that you are trying to say two things at once that are similar in meaning, but doesn't fit well in one phrase. The phrase is not necessarily wrong, but reads awkwardly. )

I recommend, you read your story aloud checking for these types of phrases. Doing this will give your prose a polished finish, because you are already a good writer.

Perhaps try,
As tired as I was, etc...


Consider revising: put it off.
Try:
turned it off.


Consider revising:
lying to myself that I need an extra-five minute sleep.

Try: Consider using as an internal dialogue phrase.
Lying to myself saying, 'I need an extra-five minute sleep'.

Consider revising:
asked she

Modernize this dialogue tag, She asked.

Consider revising:
“Yes I am that’s why I’m so much in a hurry. (Punctuation missing and - 'so much' is redundant)
"Yes I am. That's why I'm in a hurry."


Consider revising:
I tried my best to paddle my bicycle as fast as I could so that I will could reach school early.(This sentence seems to read like you are trying to say two or more things at once in the same message. The sentence also has some redundancies as well - my best/my bicycle AND I could/I will could)

Try:
I tried to peddle my bicycle as fast as I could but arrived late.

Consider revising:
When I entered the school compound, it was very quiet and fortunately for me the Principal was not yet in school so I was able to sneak into class.
(punctuate after, 'school, so I ....' AND principal is a common noun and needs no capital)
EX:
Principal should be capitalized when used as a title preceding the name of the person but not capitalized if used as a description following the name. For example,
Let us welcome Principal Bob.
Let us welcome Bob, the principal of the school.

Consider revising:
Only for me to realise that I had left my math homework at home as I sighted the Maths teacher in front of the class. (This is an incomplete sentence)
Try:
Suddenly, I realized that I had left my math homework at home.

Consider revising:
“Why are you now coming to school and where is your Math homework?” asked the Math teacher.
Try:
"Why are you late and where is your Math homework?" Mr. Name asked.
(The teacher is actually asking why she is late, 'why are you now coming...' He asks, why are you arriving late. It is a good idea to use a proper name for the teacher because he should be known by the main character)

Consider revising:
“It’s a long story sir”, I said. “Well since you don’t have it just join those who are cleaning all the classrooms after school”, he said. I willingly accepted my punishment. The rest of the day didn’t go well as planned. After school, I did my work as I was supposed to and I paddled my bike slowly back home. (When a new person speaks, it should always start on a new line. Punctuation is also missing. Here you are saying two things at once in one sentence - The rest of the day didn’t go well as planned. 'After school should go with the last paragraph.)
New line: "It's a long story sir," I said.
New line: "Well since you don't have it, you can join those who are cleaning...etc..
New line: I willingly accept....etc...
Revise: The rest of the day didn't go well as I had planned.

New paragraph:
After school....etc... Add to last para.

Last paragraph:
This paragraph is pretty good. Just check it for some redundancies like, wondered/wondering AND remembered/remembered

Great story!
Summerbelle : )

This was a fine piece of writing. Although most of your mistakes have been covered by the previous reviewer, I'll go for the rest of them.
" After, I didn’t even bother to take my breakfast as mother always advised me to do since they had already gone to work."
...bother to have my breakfast<< because we take lunch and eat our breakfast in home only? Use of 'afte'r seems unnecessary, but that's my opinion, you don't have to agree to that. Another problem is 'they', since you only mentioned your mom and not both your parents, it doesn't make sense.
“Aren’t you late for school today?” asked she.<< Okay, I donno about others here, but since you didn't mention the gender or anything at all for that matter about your neighbour, 'she' was little odd. My point is, describe her a little. "a plumb blonde women who lives next door" Something like that.
"so that I will could reach school early." I would reach...
"so I was able to sneak into class" into the class...
"I was able to sneak into class. Only for me to realise that I had left my math homework at home as I sighted the Maths..." I think it should have been like this >>" I was able to sneak into the class, only to realise that I had left my MATHS homework...."
I think you're new here, you did pretty good. Keep writing.
Since you tried to conclude something good out of this, I would suggest a more positive title for this piece.

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this story about how things began going wrong and then at the end turned out OK. It does clearly illustrate how we should not assume that the whole day will continue the same. I was a bit surprised at how calm the speaker accepted a sharp pain in the head as a sign of needing sleep. Most of us would imagine something much worse. I had a cousin who died young and it started with a horrible pain in her head. So that made me pause momentarily to wonder.

Besides that the rest I read without any undue concern. Like the story and how it ends.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.


Suggestions

The following suggestions are so that you can apply them from now on in your future compositions.

class....class.... [class....there....] Using the pronoun avoids word-repetition.

....coming back.... [returning] For word economy.

“[T]oday was such a nice day [Starts a new sentence.]


I need an extra.... [needed] [To keep things in the past tense.]


I quickly run to the .... [ran]


....as I always di. [did]

Principal was not yet in school.... [ yet there] This is to avoid repetition of the word "school".

I paddled my bike.... [pedaled] We paddle a boat. We pedal a bike.

Pedal
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/pedaled

Paddle
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/paddle


I heard some music from my house and wondered.... [....music and wondered....] to avoid repeating word "house".

Never make conclusions.... [....reach conclusions....]