The blinding light of the on-coming vehicle left me driving on the high way without eyes, literally, the next thing I knew I was in a totally different world. Nothing there was recognizable to me. My name is Dorothy Anyang from Ghana, a country in the west of Africa. I would like to share an unforgettable experience of mine with the world because I think it will led us all into a safer future. On Tuesday, February 6, 1997, at about 7:00 pm in the evening, I was headed towards my apartment after a long day at work on the highway. I was very exhausted from the days’ activities and all I really longed for was the comfort of my soft bed. Unfortunately, an unlikely event, mentioned early on took place.
As I walked through the unfamiliar neighborhood, I noticed too many things that were too good to be true. First, I saw children who looked between the ages of ten years to twenty years officially dressed and seated in a waiting room and conversing intermittently with each other through the transparent glass of the huge building I was standing in front of that had ‘The Future Is Now’ written boldly on top of it. I was eager to find out what meeting or whatever made that number of young people and moreover I needed to find my way around before it got dark. So, I decided to enter the transparent building, just when I did, they all turned to look at me, I felt so conspicuous at that moment and just had to put a tight smile on my face to avoid trouble. As I was walking towards the receptionist, one of the girls who seemed more confident than the others shouted, ‘that’s grandma D, Miss Appiah’s mother!’. Okay so, as confused as I was, I quickened my steps to the receptionist before any further weird events took place and ignored the girl’s comment. When I got there, the receptionist smiled at me and said ‘welcome Mrs. Dorothy Appiah, how was your trip? I didn’t expect you to come here after your hectic trip and I’m sure your daughter will be surprised to see you here’. ‘Okay, first, my name was Dorothy Anyang’, I thought to myself. At that moment, my body was too tired to argue with anyone about anything especially my own name. She then told me that my daughter Lillian was inside and I could go in and see her. I walked down the hallway and quickly scanned the area that could lead me to the 1001 questions that were skipping about in my head. There it was, the door with ‘OFFICES’, written on it. I walked through briskly and closed the door behind me.
I entered a hallway but this time it was way larger and had too many doors to the end on the left and on the right. I would give whoever built this place some credit because the place was splendid. This place was becoming fun and exciting and I just went with the flow. I walked past about four offices then I saw a window that was opaque and had a shiny surface like a mirror. I walked past it and looked at it a bit but after I walked past it, I realized the image I saw in the window, it was me alright but I looked way older, I mean, to the best of my knowledge, I was twenty-six years old. How had I looked like I was thirty years older? So, I satisfied my curiosity and took some steps back just to be sure of what I saw in the window. And indeed, my eyes were not deceiving me, I had grown older. Then I told myself that it was about time I got some answers as things were getting stranger by the second. So, I walked briskly and turned left and right to quickly scan whatever was written on the doors I walked past. ‘C.E.O, LILLIAN APPIAH’, the seventh door read. ‘Finally!’ I exclaimed to myself. I knocked on the door and waited and hoped for a response. ‘Please come in’. a voice said softly from inside. Just when I opened the door, there she was my exact replica, she was a chip of the old block, a chip of my block I could say. She had a bright look on her face when she saw me and quickly got up to come and embrace me. ‘Mummy, what are you doing here?’, aren’t you supposed to be resting since you just got back from your business trip?’ Well I had no idea what she was talking about so I just had to think fast and tell her I wanted to see her before I got home. This was my time to clear my head of all the questions I had, just one could probably be the answer to all. ’So, what’s your company all about?’, I asked. ‘Well we organize campaigns and training sessions to equip the youth from all walks of life from the age of ten to the age twenty to help them start their own businesses so they could secure their future instead on relying solely on education and the wealth of their families and we also give financial aid to those whose families may not have the money to give them a start up capital’. ‘Wow, that’s great’, I said. That was one of the greatest ideas I had heard my entire life and it was from my own, my daughter! ‘And on the larger scale we are trying to help decrease the large number of unemployed youth in Ghana, we encourage them to go ahead and expand their businesses after school if they don’t get employed right after they graduate, this creates more room for employment for other people who may not have participated in our program and then high rate of unemployment and high rate of youth participation in social vices will drastically be reduced’, she said again. ‘This is great Lillian, God bless you’, I said happily. ‘But mum, I’ve told you all this before’, she said with surprise in her voice. ‘Well I guess old age is getting the better part of me now a days’, I quickly said to cover up. ‘okay then, let’s be heading home, you look tired’, she said with worry in her voice. When we got to the reception, all the children there looked in our direction and waved, and we waved back at them.
When we got into the car, I told Lillian to tell me more about her company. She added that, the company did not single handedly take care of the financial needs of the youth who participated in the program and that there were sponsors who heard about the work they were doing and volunteered to help financially. While we drove through town, the place looked so neat and peaceful and I wondered what town it was, just then, I read a sign board that read, ‘Welcome to ACCRA’. I was so shocked, it seemed like what Lillian and her company were doing was not just decreasing unemployment in Ghana but it was also making the country a better place because people knew better and acted on their insight. This was great and I never wanted to leave this place.
The car ride was long and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt tired and I opened my eyes only to realize I was in a hospital, and my parents looked very happy to see me conscious. Later my mum explained to me that the accident was very severe and put me in a coma for some days. I guess that’s how I had my little journey into the future. I then decided to share my revelation with the whole world because I think it’s a road to a safer future.
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Canary word: Present
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very interesting way of story telling.REALLY NOTEWORTHY piece of writing.I was subjected to the awe curiosity bewilderment and thrill which the author wanted while I was going through the text.I am an INDIAN n the remedy so stated for the problems of unemployment n ignorance will prove to be effective here also.I am not literate enough to find flaws of it.IT is thought provoking n reflects progressive thinking in author's part.
thank you so much, i appreciate it
Radrook here a once again
to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend.
It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside
all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true
by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this story about a young lady who has an experience related to the future which she feels she must share with others. Please note that when I first saw the writing the huge blocks of text intimidated me and I almost turned away because it would be a strain on the eyesight. So it is best to break the composition up into smaller paragraphs.
The story is interesting to me since it immediately poses a question of what is going on? Where is she? What happened after she claims to have lost her eyesight? How did she regain it? Where is this new place she finds herself in? how was she transported there? Who transported her there? The curiosity to know is what can be expected to keep a reader reading so the story does well in that area.
The ending was a little abrupt but satisfactory since it provided the answer to the mystery introduced at the start. So in general, the story has logical coherent development merging intro into middle and a conclusion. The question is, can each of these parts be improved? How can we enhance them so that the reader is pulled into the story more strongly, feels a greater urge to continue, feels totally engrossed in the reading experience as if he is seeing it develop before him more vividly?
One way is to briefly provide details about the appearance of the people involved so that the reader can see them in his mind’s eye. How are they is dressed? What hair style do they have? , their tone of voice?, race?, ethnicity?, height?, manner of talking?, color of eye?s, appearance of eyebrows?, etcetera. Such fine details add to the sense of reality.
The same applies to the the scenery. How does the street look? Is it broad, narrow, cobblestoned, bereft of traffic? Ascending? Descending? Fringed by trees?
Is the sky clear or filled with smog? ]
How does the office look? Is it small, large? Does it have a window or windows? Oval, rectangular ones?
What floor is it on? What does the view from it reveal about the city?
Where is the woman sitting?
If we want to create a feeling of dread then the things described must produce it. If we want the reader to feel secure the same applies. Everything contributes to the general mood. Your story is about creating optimism for the future. So everything that is described must enhance that impression. The story did this of course. The question is can more be added to reinforce it? I think it can.
All these small details accumulate until the reader is totally immersed in the story much more than if only superficial details are provided. In fact, if no extra descriptions are provide, then the reader cannot know what exactly the writer wants him to see. So all he hears is a voice telling a story with many possibilities of appearances available. Which one does he choose? So it tends to become blurry.
SUGGESTIONS
These things are very important because if they aren’t given attention the reader will be constantly distracted whenever he encounters them.
Two areas that need serious attention:
Punctuation: Identification of what a senece starts and ends.
Paragraphs: Making shorter paragraphs. The big blocks of writing tend to discourage reading because they are a strain on the eyes.
Please tell the reader what kind of work she was doing on the highway.
Organize into smaller paragraphs would make it more readable.
....literally[.] [T]he next thing I knew....
Nothing there was recognizable[.] [Reader knows who is doing the seeing.]
I think it will [lead] us.... [The word “led” is in the past tense.]
7:00 pm.... [PM]
....in the evening, [Redundant since if it is PM, then it has to be in the evening.]
....or whatever made that number of young people.... [ Do what?]
[T]hat’s grandma D,.... [New sentence.]
Avoid the repetition of the phrase: “this place” three times close together.
....in my head... [Reader knows thoughts are in the head.]
a chip of my block[,]
there she was[,]....
....so they [can] secure....future instead [of]....
....start[-]up....
[T]his creates more.... [Starts a new sentence.]
....in her voice. [Where else could it be?]
[J]ust then, I read.... [New sentence.]
ACCRA’. [What does that stand for?]
All in all a very entertaining read. Looking forward to reading more of your compositions.
Thank you very much for your suggestions, well noted and appreciated. Accra is the capital city of Ghana in West Africa. And i write this for a a competition so that explains why its short, i couldnt write long essays, but thanks a lot
It is 1,341 words in length. What was the word limit required?
1,500 words