Change that shouldn't have felt new,
tiny center square of a rubik's cube,
but we watched those colors diffuse;
now where there's white, belongs blue.
She extends herself to her burning star,
hands to the sky to the ripple of cold
water bending, breaking and back together;
She sinks slowly, slowly for her fallen star
stretching her hands, up, her hands, down
her lungs clawing for dry ground
and retreating minutes spent wading
for him - why wait for the rain, she said,
the waves threaten to bring me under and
where else would I have to run if it fell
around me, where else do I have to run
when he falls around me - she slips
from a dirty room, 3:46, period four.
Everyone's just a casual witness, taking in
Death's light as it strikes another heart, but
when the sun slipped back through the door
dripping from her split ends and pleading for
heavens to come down, clouds, come down
every hand fell down and grasped the earth
like it was the last damn thing to hold
and suddenly, we didn't feel so bold.
No, suddenly, we didn't feel so bold.
*I probably should have specified before that I'm not seeking to change much of this poem (it was more just venting/ranting). While I am going to work on making my poems more understandable (many thanks to the advice from buenno), I'd really rather keep this one as hidden as it is because it was initially meant to be that way. There are enough clues to figure this out, but it just requires a little more thought. Sorry ahead of time if that's inconvenient for any of the readers out there. If there's anything regarding word choice or punctuation, or maybe reconstructing a stanza, I'm all ears. And if you want some serious writing to bash your heart out, you can check out my other works. They're all begging for a beating. :P Thanks.*
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138,256 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
You should rant more often. I'm serious. This is very good.
As always, I loved your imagery, I loved your word choice, I loved this poem. I guess you're probably getting tired of hearing my exact same praise poem after poem, so I'll cut straight to the critique.
Firstly, what's up with the rhyming? You start out with a very distinct pattern in the first stanza, but after that, it kind of dissipates, and is off and on for the rest of the poem. I'd suggest either sticking with the pattern, or rewriting the first stanza and the few lines throughout that rhyme so that the reader doesn't expect it to continue.
Grammar-wise, I have no idea what you're trying to say here. Though the overall imagery is great, the "to" in the middle of the line is very misplaced. How about "hands to the sky, a ripple of cold" instead.
Though the first line is fine, I included it in here so that you could see how odd the second line sounds after it. It is the repeated repetition of the adverbs that are throwing me off. First "slowly, slowly" then "up, up." Though repetition can at times be powerful, it sounds forced here. Also, the "down" at the end of this second line sounds quite abrupt.
This sounds okay, but only after I've read it over two or three times. I shouldn't have to do this. Aim for simplicity in the individual phrases, and sophistication only in the poem as a whole.
Again, the wording of this idea is somewhat disorienting.
Fabulous last line.
I hope this was helpful!
-Kafka
Well, it would be a waste of time to critique this; besides, there's really not that much that needs to be changed. The poem is vague, yes, but abstract is a genre in itself, no? In fact, I think your style of writing serves the piece well, and the language is beautiful. I also think it's cool how you straight-up told everybody that you like the poem the way it is and don't intend to change it. I think I need to do that more often, because I have this suspicion that a lot of the people on this site correct simply for the sake of correcting, which is never a good thing. Well done!
Good showcase of your imaginations mate...
Good piece i just loved it...
It had good rhythm and a perfect flow...
Keep writing...
Pm me for anything...
I really love the first stanza
Change that shouldn't have felt new,
tiny center square of a rubik's cube,
but we watched those colors diffuse;
now where there's white, belongs blue.
But then again, I had no idea what you mean.
Still, my attention was fully grabbed by your poem.
Then I read the rest of the poem.
And I still have no idea what you mean.
Maybe I am not born to appreciate such imagery, but then again you must remember you're writing for a wide audience,
And not just yourself.
Nevertheless, the poem flowed well.
Well, until the two last stanzas
Everyone's just a casual witness, taking in
death's light as it strikes an iron heart but
when Sun came flooding through the windows
dripping through her split ends and pleading for
heavens to come down, clouds, come down
every hand fell down and grasped the earth
like it was the last damn thing to hold
Maybe too chaotic. I know you were writing a poem that didn't rhyme, and I do appreciate poems that don't rhyme, but then again the passage is like a paragraph of a short story cut into pieces. It didn't really feel like a poem. And check your last 2 lines. I think the interchange between didn't and don't really doesn't work that well.
I'm sorry if I am quite harsh, but you do have great potential. My main advice to you is don't try too hard. It's as if you trying to prove yourself too much until no-one really has an idea what you're talking about. Try to relax next time you write, and make sure the poem is good in both aspects: imagery and understandability.
( You have no problems in the imagery department)