The window has nothing to offer
to your half-hearted glance; crossing
every distant star, surely I brought
down the entire night sky for you,
and all you could do was sigh.
I know it wouldn't matter, even
if my eyes really were bleeding,
if I worked through the morning
just to get this written down;
If I were to tap your shoulder,
close your palms around this poem
and walk away, you'd call me back,
thrust the lyrics down my throat
and tell me I'm wasting words.
What difference would it make if
I were to fall from the face of earth?
What difference would it make if I
stopped breathing at your knees?
I was only polluting your air.
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138,256 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
Wow! I really liked the last two stanzas the best. This has a good message to it, I think, and you did a nice job with making it clear. The flow is amazing as well. I enjoyed the whole poem overall and, again, you did a great job with this!Well done and Keep writing!
Thank you, everyone, who took the time to comment. I appreciate all of you stopping by.
Originally, this wasn't supposed to be much of a poem. Though.. for the sake of people wanting more out of it, I added a bit to the beginning/middle/end.. everything, really. Again, thank you very much for the feedback.
I really liked this!
I think the extensive use of enjambment when you cut your sentences into several lines/stanzas really adds to the whole 'trash' concept of the poem. Accumulative lines, accumulative rubbish. It would have been nice to add a little more detail so that readers would have a greater insight as to the story behind the character - but I guess you're adding to the sense of mystery by not doing so. Anyway, great job. Keep on writing!
LOVELY!
Personally, It was great, I don't know your other works as I haven't been here that long, (and Im too lazy to look them up right now,I am late and tired
) definitely not trash. What a misleading title!
Maybe, in the beginning you should have a part about the person. Then, break it off and start with this, that way, you might pull people in better.
--Shadowknight155
Excellent- it was really simply put, but it held quite a bit in it, and it was powerful all the same. I love your language, though I will say that I didn't quite find your normal style in here- this, while still articulate and interesting imagery-wise, didn't hold so many layers it seemed.
But, it's still good. I don't mean to say that it's bad or even worse than your normal stuff-- it's just different.
The last line especially was great. Awesome job!
-Coral-
Again, I enjoyed reading this. Personally, I did not think this was your very best work, but all of your writings are above average, so that's nothing much to worry about. I have only one critique:
Perhaps you could think of something...deeper? This line sounds odd.
Well, there you go. Sorry if this review wasn't the best.