- I lost my inspiration !
Do you know what means that ?
I am blind.. I see nothing.. I see nothing..
and it's painful
- Congratulations ! You are in the middle of your storm.
- What .. What storm ?
- Here you are, afraid, chaotic and sad
looking here, looking there like a mad
- What I have to do ?
- Breath.. Breath slowly.. And let it go
Sometimes we have to give up on what we do
- Let it go.. that what everybody says
Let it go and forget it.. It will be fine, it will be okay
but it will never, and all know that it will never
- You may be wrong ..
- I may be right
Have you ever seen someone winning ? being happy forever ?
Because I seen nothing but the fear and the pain in their eyes
Screaming but no sound to their screams
We say that they have empty souls
But in fact, they are full of wars
And a lot of shame and blood
None here them, No one see them.. except me
But what to them I have to do ?!
- You are not the god..
- Even god, may have nothing to do
----
let your comments
I will be happy with any criticism
xoxo
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
Hey diphylleia!
This is great, I love it!
A few notes about grammar:
"Do you know what does that means" will be better.
Should be "what do I have to do?"
"Breath" is a gerund while "breathe" is a verb. You could write "...breathe slowly" or "take a deep breath."
I love that part! It has a great rhythm and it makes the dialogue a ping-pong style which I really like.
*No one hears them, no one sees them.
"But what do I have to do for them?" would sound better.
I really like this script, but I feel like it's not finished. I get to know two characters in the middle of a disscussion, but don't completely understand what they talk about and I would like to get the concept better! I'd suggest you work on that.
I'd also work on the format a bit.
That's it! You have a unique sense of writing, I like it.
Omer.
Greetings from mars! And Happy Review Day!
I found this poem very interesting. I liked the rhythm to it. I also like the back and forth, (As the name suggests) Overall, it's very interesting.
Other people have pointed out most of the grammar/spelling errors, so I won't bother pointing them out.
However, one thing I will say, I was a little confused by the poems messaging? Maybe I'm just missing it, or something.. Or maybe the poem isn't for me. When I started the poem, I was thinking about writers block. Towards the middle, I was thinking about the fear of failure, a little after that, it sounded like you were talking about the battles we don't see, inside our heads, and at the very last line, which, (in my opinion, one of the most important lines in a piece) seemed to imply you were talking about something that couldn't be undone. All these ideas are really important subjects that are really good topics in poetry, but all of them in one just left me confused.
Again, maybe I'm just missing the point. I'd love it if you could maybe explain what you were doing here! Maybe I can go back and read it, and see that I was just plain wrong :p
Anyway, happy Review Day! And keep on writing!
Hi. I'm Shay.
This was amazing. It seemed realistic. The formatting, I will say, was quite outstanding in that it was insightful, deep, and not the typical kind of conversation you would have with a friend. Well, the topic and the way they speak is unusual. It sounds kind of more mature. I'm glad people actually try to have meaningful conversations. That's what life is meant for.
As Shallow said, your grammar is a bit off. I also find myself confused. Who plays what role. I need to know. What what you do with commas. Commas should be used in the correct manner or else the professionalism of the work starts to fade. Also, consider punctuation.
I hope this helps.
Shay
HI, DIPHY!
Your piece is super interesting! It's not quite poetry but it's so darn close! You've got a lot of potential- a diamond in the rough! There's a lot of holes in your piece but don't let that stop you and here's how you can improve upon:
Your grammar. I saw from the second line that "that" is off, and the correct grammar form is "Do you know what that means?" it's just an example and I believe you can see the others!
Next are the homophones: it might be nitpicking (sorry) but I saw the fourth to the last line "None here them, no one see them.." and maybe you mistook hear for here? To "hear" is to use your ears and "here" is a location. However, if it is deliberate then it's fine I apologize.
The last I see are the verb tenses. Some choice verb tenses were out of place and you kind of lost me for a bit in some parts but I read it again and I think I got the general idea.
Also, be more mindful of your punctuations. Those spaces before the "?" and the "!" and the "?!" are unnecessary. You can lose your reader with a lot of those especially in a more narrative format like short stories and novels!
Overall, I love this piece! I love what's going on inside your mind and hey- it's dark and in-your-face but I think that's the charm of your piece! Like I said, you have tons and tons of potential and I hope to see more of your future pieces!
Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse <3
Hi, I think this conversation with yourself it's actually really interesting. It's a really strong message you want to share with us. May ask where did you get the inspiration for this? I think it is a really dark dialogue and I don't have such a negative critic about this. I would actually like maybe a part 2 of this with something maybe a little more happy to give hope. A one of the greatest teacher in the world, Albus Dumbledore, said: Happiness can be found even in the darkest of time, if one only remembers to turn on the light.