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Jittery

by destinybeal


Author's note: Hello! Please try to criticize this strongly. I'll be performing it in a talent show, and I want to shape it up to be its best. Thank you!! Hope you enjoy. :)

Jittery

Bittersweet coffee cacophony-
caffeine runs through my veins-
fueling fibers, fingertips, toes, brain. 

My lovely lady caffeine
sends me spiraling and
pulls me back again.

She lifts me up, but I only drop further:
Low, low, lost in her caramel curls.
Her smooth, mocha tar smells enticing.

She strangles me- rules me. 
Her comfort is deceitful: she
leaves me unnerved and paranoid.

Yet, I run back again, desperate,
begging for her presence.
My queen, the lovely lady caffeine. 


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61 Reviews


Points: 4338
Reviews: 61

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Sun Feb 24, 2019 1:50 pm
OofOof1 wrote a review...



Hello, I am here to review this beautiful poem of yours.

If you also speak another language, hola.

Okay so my favorite stanza was the last stanza. As my favorite line was the last line, by the way that is a great way to end a story or a poem oh, so you did a great job on that.

Okay so now let's talk about the second last stanza. Okay so in the first line of the second last stanza, I really didn't think you needed that Dash. In fact that Dash made me kind of confused. Maybe if you would explain to me what that means that would be great.

Well that's all I needed to talk about because your poem or story is so beautiful and great. It has well punctuation and I really like the flow of it. great job.

Alsooh, there is this one big giant word I use to describe beautiful essence of poems like this.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...

It means that this poem is so amazing, great job. Keep writing and reading.




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12 Reviews


Points: 1371
Reviews: 12

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Sun Feb 24, 2019 1:34 am
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AniceMansure wrote a review...



Hi Anice here for review!

Caffeine isn't something that I take on regular basis so the urge for it is a foreign subject foe me personally. But I have been addicted to quite a number of things so I can relate. The "jittery" true to it's title, the poem expressed the emotion affectively. Though if it held some more intensity in it's composition it could have been amazing.

The poem is short, nicely put. The rhyming adding to it's intensity. It appears forced on, the need to go on, the essence of any kind of addiction. The subject matter such as addiction, requires darkness of some sort. Because it's next to sin. Addictions drives to sin. And the poems dark undertone totally captured the feel for it. Such a potential topic without intense emotions become weak, usually when it isn't delivered nicely.

I kind of like to go with feels. Anything that has lasting impression is good for me. And your poem did just that. It imprinted it's dark tone inside my head. I find it difficult to nitpick but when I read the poem the second time, here at this point, the use of "and" in this sentence "sends me spiraling" and the other one in the next stanza, the use of "further" in "She lifts me up, but I only drop further" kind of break of the overall rythm. It would be nice if you worked this out. Apart from this I would say it was a nice reading experience.

I will be looking forward for your new works. Thanks for sharing.




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84 Reviews


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Sat Feb 23, 2019 8:30 pm
TheMulticoloredCyr wrote a review...



Hey, I'll confess that I don't have much exprerence with poetry as a whole. That said, this is really good, in my uneducated opinion. /you didn't have a super strong rhyme scheme, but you didn't really need one with how the rest of the poem was put together. This is actually one of the first poems on here that I've seen stick to anything resembling a proper rhythem when it comes to coutning syllables. Literally, no one else does it and it is incredibly annoying.

Anyway, this is really good. I wouldn't say it's extraordinary, but I unfortunately lack the education and experence to tell you why it isn't so and how to make it better. I really do think you will get a rather high score for this, if the talent show does scores, that is, so long as you preform it well. I've never seen you do that, so I can't give my opinion on it, obviously, but as-is it's really good.

(Not realated at all, but something I found out today (today being as I write this, not when I send it, because I don't have wi-fi at my house) at a feild trip to a college in my town where they were teaching a bunch of classes related to the theatre and such. While I was there I took a class on stage makeup, as you do, and the instructor told us that the reason they wear makeup on stage is because the lighting, which is almost always multiple colors and angled at the preformers from all sides, eleminates the natural shadows that make their faces look three dimentional, and the makeup puts those shadows back. Basically, no makeup=dinner plate with eyes, makeup=actual human face. I thought that was interesting) (sorry that I'm bad at explaining things)




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236 Reviews


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Thu Feb 21, 2019 4:55 pm
Liberty says...



Ooooh, this is very nice! Honestly, this is a wonderful piece! The rhyming is 10 out of 10. The language is 10 out of 10 and the poem is a 10 out of 10! Go snag that blue ribbon!





I was promis'd on a time, To have a reason for my rhyme: From that time unto this season, I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
— Edmund Spenser