Young Writers Society

Yeah okay. Hi, I'm Aley and I'm here to review your poem for Review Day! We do this thing once a month where we try to review a whole bunch. That's today~

I really like how this poem talks about what happened during the day in a very narrative manner. I can see this person going through the day, feeling completely out of sorts, and eventually getting home. I like that it ends with the roses as well, although I think it might be a bit abrupt emotionally.

I think that the poem could use a little improvement when it comes to descriptive language. You're good with the point of what you're describing, but I feel like some of your methods to describe things could improve. For example "More frazzled than I'd ever been" would be more descriptive if you said something like "tripping twelve times on stairs I'd climbed a thousand" or some other anecdote about how the day went horrible. "Missing 2+2 in math after failing 2*1" is another example. Instead of "plunged down an anxious abyss" maybe "jumping at every bump of my arm" or "feeling the weight of the roof as I squeezed through the crowds" or something that describes that feeling rather than stating that the feeling is there. This will just spice up the poem a little more and give it that extra umph. It's also where metaphors come in hand~!

All in all, I think you're writing some really good poetry and you should definitely keep it up! I like how you pick your topic and that you're so specific with what you're writing about. I'd love to see more descriptions of examples of what happens in your work.

Hey there, destinybeal !!

This is Eros here with a review for this beautiful piece of poetry !!

Firstly the title is the most important thing. It should be catchy and attractive to catch the readers' attention. And it is indeed catchy... Lol otherwise I wouldn't have been here, writing a review.

Then the title should be apt. And the title you have given to this poem is also very apt and appropriate and suits the poem very well. I loved the unique title and the unique idea and theme behind the poetry.

The idea flows very smoothly and the poem also has a good flow. I like the way you have described all the struggles of the day. I loved it all. It was a unique poem and I loved it

The poem has an easy to understand language and the choice of set of words is also very good.
Overall a great piece.

Keep writing such amazing works and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them!!

Have a great day / Night !


~Eros.

Hi destinybeal!

Let us jump onto the review part for which you are here (I hope so).

First things first, I liked how you (successfully) tried to keep things realistic and didn't try to romanticize situations as writers generally tend to do. You maintained a rhyming scheme so brownie points for that. Best of all is that despite the raw unadulterated misery of a student's life (I'm guessing an undergraduate) that you have portrayed throughout the piece, you ended on a sweet and remarkably positive note. I like how the last stanza full of hope and positivity is two lines long. After all, most of the beautiful things don't need much explaining. Also, this is where the title of your poem becomes justified.

Now we move on to the part where I do the nitpicking:

It is good to have a rhyming scheme in your poems. It is tough to forge your sentences so that they follow the chosen scheme. If you're forcing your lines to follow the rhyme scheme and it is visible to the reader (3rd line, 1st stanza), it's a point to improve. You can move to free verse too if you think the message is being altered due to the rhyming. I don't think that was the case here but stating here anyway.

Second: Chop down each and every unnecessary word. In poetry, you paint a picture with the fewest strokes of a paintbrush. At first glance, it gives a vibe that it is a paragraph masquerading as a poem. The key is to reread with a fresh mind and remove the extra words. eg in the second line

like something about today decided to say, “Screw you!”

remove the something and decided, the day didn't decide to say screw you, it did. It adds to the effect at the same time establishes your authority as the narrator.

Overall I liked your poem, the message and especially the line:

Lunch found me a sole boat in need of a crew

The poem, like everything in this world. can be improved further.

PS: Apologies if I missed something or was too harsh. Please do not hesitate to comment your thoughts or to message me if you need to share anything.

-rohan

The thing about the sea with the friend drowning
I thought was so funny, I wrote it in my dowry.
Everything here is a pain, to the character, I mean.
I recall hinges to resound as though screaming.

The flow of it all worked quite well
it gave a good impression on my reading spell.
Hardly had I noticed, till I read out loud
what the narrative being a poem was about.

At any good rate, it ends quite lovely