your whisper reaches across the room
and stretches around me,
caressing my skin.
i'm not really up for conversation
but your words enter my mind
slowly, one by one,
until they embed themselves
into my brain's walls.
"it'll be okay,"
are your cliched words,
for you've always believed in
old-fashioned traditions.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heya, KAL! Casanova here to do another review for you! I'll be breaking this up into sections and reviewing it that way, so I hope you don't mind. To the review!
This imagery is surprisingly good. I enjoyed it. Having the whisper stretching around you, caressing you, is a good way to show it's a soft, sweet whisper that you can get lost it. So props for that.
The only nitpick I have here is stretches. I would cut the and stretches and replace it with stretching, but that's really just a personal preferences and in no way makes the poem any better or worse- it's really just whatever floats your boat. Anyway, onward.
Here I find you lose the power that you had in the first three lines. I notice this a lot. When you write, your start is usually more powerful than the ending or middle- because it's what started the idea. It doesn't mean the ending or middle isn't good- just that it lacks the power that it needs to be as good as the beginning, if that makes any sense. I would suggest expanding on your more powerful images, and finding ways to replicate them. Anyway, the one thing I didn't really like about this was,"until they embed themselves/into my brain's walls." To me, at least, this just seemed a bit bland compared to the previous lines, and lack an emotional impact. Anyway, onward.
As an ending this was a bit disappointing to me. It seems as if the poem should go on a bit, but instead it just stops here. And here's a question- what do you mean by "old fashioned traditions?" In my experience old fashioned would be telling the person to get over it and to quit making a scene- at least where I come from in the south. So it's interesting you would put that.
All in all this was an interesting piece that could use a tad bit of work with imagery and keeping up the emotion.
That's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Thanks a bunch for the review! I can think of little snippets of poetry to write down here and there, but I've never really been able to figure out how to end my poems. I kind of thought that "old-fashioned traditions" where those ones that always said "everything will be fine" or "it'll be okay."
The thing that really frustrates me the most is that I'll think of like two to three lines, and I really like them, but then anything I write after that just seems forced and not as good as the beginning.
Thanks again for your advice and such! I appreciate it XD
Hey Kal ,
This is a very light hearted piece of poetry and simply simple. You used imagery in a fairly good way but it could have been a little better.
First, I feel it was quiet as the message or your thought wasn't clear enough. You could have elaborated it slightly; as I mentioned earlier, it's simple but too simple.
Second, it could have been much better if it was published with separate paragraphs. There is a little problem in punctuation too(even I do it ;not a very big issue).
Lastly, the last two lines were a little confusing.
'for you've always believed in
old-fashioned traditions.'
Don't mind it but these lines didn't connect with the rest of your poem. You could have used alliteration or a paradox or a phrase here. So, try to convey your thoughts more properly the next time. And do read my poem and review it.
Thanx for tolerating my review!
Thanks for the review!