So it's pouring outside,
and you can't sleep at night,
cause your thoughts are spinning in circles
all around you, in a huge bubble
that you know one day is gonna burst.
but it never worked out.
You never changed: decent job, decent spouse,
and when most people would be satisfied with that,
you never were, you never could be,
cause you couldn't handle that
your dreams were never going to happen.
You wanted to be able to hold onto them
forever and at least have them
to fall back on later, if needed,
but you realized that you couldn't.
So when you can't sleep
during a rainstorm,
and you can't think over the sound
of your depressing thoughts
on how much your future will suck,
you need to think of the stuff you do have:
that you have a job that doesn't completely suck,
that you have a loving and caring partner,
that you have adorable kids and a great family.
You need to take the time and realize
that your dreams were way too unrealistic,
that your current life is rather great actually,
and that there's plenty of people
who would love to live your life, the exact way it is now.
So please try to be positive and be happy living your life.
I know I would if I were you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really enjoyed the beginning of the poem, but I thought the end was kind of strange wording-wise. Although the second person perspective is often okay in poetry, the ending seemed too demanding. Personally, I would keep going the way you were in the beginning without the tone you took on in the end. Otherwise, good job on this poem!!
Thank you for the review!
MEMORYHUNTER HERE FOR A REVIEW ON YOUR POEEEEM!
Bear with me please, I'm a little rusty.
This poem started out cool, and you have almost grasped the imagery part of poetry. I liked how you introduced the rain and the bubble, but I feel like you could expound on those things further. You drifted out of the bubble concept and went with delivering a message more straightforwardly rather than using symbolisms and imagery. I would have preferred more of a descriptive writing, because that feels more poetry-ish. As prose though, this would be awesome.
On the second half of the poem, you went back to the rainstorm, and I thought that was cool. You should try to have a consistent poem most of the time, since consistency is what transforms randomness into something that actually makes sense. I do love the optimism you carried throughout the lines! It was really heartwarming and I think you pulled off that inspirational kind of vibe. However, the line "please try to be positive" was frankly weak. You could have pulled off a metaphor or some imagery. You could have even brought back the bubble you mentioned earlier, and described it further.
One more thing: less words, more imagery. What I mean is that you should try to get the message across through descriptive writing and not just telling people that this is this and that is that. An example would be the line "that your current life is great actually". It is a weak line that can be removed and replaced with sensory images.
All in all, this poem was a great read - very moving! I think that many people nowadays are facing lots of problems, especially in the mental and emotional aspect. This poem had its message, however the flaw was how you delivered that message. It's good, but it could be better with a few tweaks here and there.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY WRITING~
Thanks so much for your review! I'm a little rusty at writing basically anything so, that's fine if you're rusty too~ Merry Christmas too you too!
Hey, Aleta here for a few words since I could not find anything wrong with this really. The message of the poem I like a lot because the reader, if they are focusing on the negative things only this will open up their mind more. Some of these smart minds here on YWS are constantly in their dreams--we are writers after all, haha. Some people need to understand that they can't fulfill what they wished for, and you're stating that clearly here.
who would love to live your life, the exact way it is now.
This line is strong, although I would suggest taking off the 'the exact way it is now' part because its kind of unnecessary. The way you are being clear on the message though is still a very consistent theme throughout this piece.
Overall, the meaning of the poem was very clear and you didn't even have to think to understand the point.
Thanks for the review! Yeah I was just trying to come up with something that was both realistic but not just super negative.