"It's not what it looks like, I swear,"
the words beckon you to try to dare
and pretend that nothing had happened,
you didn't witness something that blackened
your soul and threatened your entire world,
and left you lying on the floor, body curled.
-
"Is this what marriage does?"
The words register as a quiet buzz
in the back of your mind,
where everything's left behind
in space that's all wasted
by the bitterness being tasted.
-
"We'll never be able to work this out!"
The words invite you to think about
how this sentence enters the room,
sweeping thoughts together like a broom,
and leaving behind only the bleak truth
that this heartbreaking idea held proof.
-
"We were never the right one for each other,"
the words hang in the air, as yet another
relationship breaks apart into pieces
and you wonder why a person first seizes
control over everything they love,
but then releases it all in the form of a dove.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow! Just wow! Your poem is very well structured and it rhymes pretty well.
The first two lines of each stanza are very intense and powerful.
Well, good and flood don't really rhyme that well; we'll call it a half- rhyme.
Apart from that I really loved your poem.
'sweeping thoughts together like a broom' should it not be '.....with a broom'?
Maybe I have interpreted it wrong.
Keep up with the good work!!
Cheers,
Alex
Thank you so much for the review!
Hello!
Okay first your title had me hooked!! There is soo much truth held in those five words that in all of the English language sometimes! This poem has a beautiful flow as you lead the reader through a heartbreak and you make us wonder why we fall in love to begin with. I love how you capture different stages of a relationship such as catching someone cheating and what maybe a divorce. I love the consent rhyming throughout the poem as well, this helps your flow. You set everything up quite nicely and your word choice is simple and maybe could be spiced up. But other then that great poem!
Happy Writing!
-M.
Thank you so much for the review!
ANALYZING THIS PER STANZA BECAUSE YOU'RE AN AWESOME PERSON
This just sounds like a robot talking. It doesn't feel natural at all and would be better if replaced, for example, with a "to open their garden rotting with unspilled tears". (this is a terrible example, forgive me,)I.
From this point on, I was aware that your poem had a rhyming scheme going on. Since I am not much of a master in the rhyming area of poetry, I can't comment heavily on your rhymes. I haven't found any problems with it (for example, awkward phrasing) in the first stanza so kudos to you!
The only problem I had with this stanza is that the word choice is bland. Sure, you had a lot more imagery going compared to the last one, and that's one of the steps to lovely poetry covered, but you also need to be careful of the words you put in.
You have to be careful. Every word in your poem has to pack a punch; some lines were a little wordy and didn't belong to the poem you were trying to make. An example would be
II.
Okay, marriage! I loved the rhymes here, so sick. The only problem I had was the last stanza. Read it aloud, and you'll see that it's written awkwardly. Well, nothing a few tweaks can't do!
III.
oooo I liked the broom simile. I also loved the rhymes you had here, though I didn't like how you put in the word "inspire". Words like inspire, love, hate - without proper usage, most of the time they go stale because they bring ABSTRACT messages to the reader instead of CONCRETE ones which most poets are looking for. Perhaps look for synonyms that are more concrete like "move" or rephrase the line altogether (along with its proceeding line).
Be careful with abstract nouns and verbs like feelings (love, hate, anger) and edit them out if it won't damage the poem. Feel free to replace them with more concrete things like your partner's face and your fluttering chest (cliché, but better than saying you love your partner straightforwardly) or describing how stupid this person looked when he cut in front of you in a queue. That is how you mostly get the message across in poetry.
IV.
this should be "We were never the right one for each other".
Oooooo this was rather good. The only thing that ruined it all for me was the last lines which didn't actually rhyme. You can replace flood or good with something else though, and it would be a perfect and neat last stanza! It's such a sad ending to a stormy poem and I love it.
All in all, this was a nice read. The theme was typical, and I like how you kept it consistent with the first lines of each stanza being quotes. I also loved the consistency in the second line of every stanza beginning in "the words"! Oooo. But I wish you could have done more with that consistency - played with it even more and added flower words. You could even have personified the words!
Well done with this, I love when people take writing seriously. I like that you incorporated what I said in my past review, and I look forward to more of your works because you are, as aforementioned, awesome!
Happy writing~ (and Christmas has already ended in our country yesterday, but MERRY CHRISTMAS OR HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOUUUU!)
Thank you so much! You're super awesome as well!
Hey! I edited this a little, so in case you wanted to see me try to use your advice, I think I did, some? I tried XD.