a slumber of vulnerability
awake and livid
tablecloths without any stain nor rust
skin never been bruised with
minds that shine in glowing light
by belief
a light that hides the stupidity
questioned by answering
only with beauty
a token that claims success and accomplishment
hiding bare astonishment
a dream away from the broken mirror
when you stare into it
fading into a handsome abyss of
fire and knives and sharpeners
nooses of rope hanging by your neck when you wake up
from a sleep that everyone dreams of
to take them away from a nightmared reality
to be naive and happy
collecting themselves at the price of pain
but only for the wish of beauty
that they never really truly
fairly bargained for
only a taint of what they thought they'd have
pushing away plates to fit into garments that only
barbie dolls could ever ask for
they were promised porcelain Annabelle before the fall
but after the drop they realized they that they'd been fooled
into nothing but a deflated rag doll
that falling into the abyss would give them what they wanted
but when they see the fey-like mockery
they're already too deep to crawl out
a slumber so tempting
do they dare?
but it only seems tempting
because of the advertisements
the descriptions
sugar coated lies to drag them in
to pretend that perhaps a face could be masked
or a body
or a personality
as salt is often mistaken for sugar
but when you stick in a finger and give it a taste
the mask is not sweetened
just a salty disaster coating the mess they tried to erase
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138,167 Literary Works • 672,078 Reviews
Hi there Bailey,
I'm trying to review more poetry and they say that practise makes perfect... so here I go!
I like what you've got going here, but I think there are lot of different amalgamations of many things here that make certain things hard to understand.
Some of the imagery you've used in this is a little confusing. For example 'tablecloths without any stain nor rust'. I've never seen a tablecloth made out of metal, so I haven't seen one with any rust before either. For me, this is a strange choice.
Personally, I think the introduction of a separate stanza or two might benefit you in the writing of this poem. It would help you in finding more of a structure, as the constant flow that you have going here is easy to get tangled up and lost in, meaning that the more beautiful and meaningful of the lines that you have written are lost in the mess.
The imagery you have here is often very interesting, but you seem to skip over it and change course before going into any more depth, and I feel it means we miss out on where you could take it further.
I would take a step back from this and try and work out more what you're trying to say with this poem. It reads a little too much like a stream of consciousness and could benefit from some refining, but good work for a first draft.
Hope this has been helpful.
Icy.
Hello, this is my first review.
I'm just gonna say I don't know much about poetry, but I really like your poem. I love the concept you have going here. I also like your title. I think the story is really good. I like your style. I think you are a great writer. I hope to see more from you in the future. I think, with a bit more experience you could be relent. Keep writing.
From one writer to another.
Have a nice day
Hi Aralynne, congrats on your first review.
For future reference, here's a good resource for learning how to give good reviews
Critiquing poetry
hope it helps you for future reviews!