You are at a police station with parent/ wife/ husband showing them the camcorder. You explain what happened. The police man looks at you like your crazy. He shakes his head. He says that it cannot be possible for any kids to make this video. You beg to differ. You continue on arguing with the officer until you parent/wife/husband takes you home to calm down. You start to think that maybe what the kids are saying are true, but dismissed the idea. But in the back of your mind, you have your doubts. You decide to take a walk and hear the noise again. Really mad and ticked off, you try to catch up with the culprits of this stupid prank. Instead you find another tape. Nobody's home, so you begin to do the what you did in the past. This time it's Vernon's face instead of Remes.
"Uh, R-Reme won't be here for a while, so sh-she told me to do this. Oh god."
At the last part he puts his face in his hands. You notice that he's crying.
"My family is dead! Dead! GONE! I won't ever see them again and play with my older sister or have my dad bug me about reading! It sucks!"
You hear the boy wail in pain and grief. You can imagine what that must feel like to never see your family.
"IS THERE NOBODY THAT CAN STOP THIS?!?! I lied, I just needed to get my anger out and tell some one. I didn't tell Reme or Rhonda or Dylan. Reme has her brother, Rhonda and Dylan have each other. I HAVE NO ONE."
You feel sorry for the kid. Not because his parents are dead, not because he has nobody, but because you can't comfort him and tell him that it's all right, that he'll be okay.
"Vernon! What are you doing?! I thought I told you-"
You fast forward to a point where Reme and Vernon aren't arguing.
You see Reme setting up the camcorder once again
"You took it to the frinkin' police didn't? Why is it that when people say not to do something tha=ey do it anyway? Ugh."
She shakes her head.
"Oh well, your own fault I suppose."
She goes on talking about the establishment of clonies.
"Each one has their own rules. You can trade with them, but the good ones are nomadic. It's hard to find them."
Dylan appears.
"What is it Dylan?"
"Uh... It's Rhonda and she needs you for 'girl talk' apparently."
Dear lord... you have an idea of what he is talking about, but it speak it out loud and actually suggest it... Yeash.
Dylan turns to the cam corder.
"That's it for now."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey wholesomereader! Here to review your work like the great team mate that I am
I will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense to both you and me!
Here goes!
I love the frantic style that you've written this piece! It makes me feel on edge and I'm already hooked into the story! I particularly like your use of short sentences mixed in with a few longer ones.
Id love to see a bit more description about what these kids look like! I would even like a bit more information about the settings. The sounds, the smells etc.
I wish it was longer too! For a whole chapter of a book, it finishes quite abruptly but I guess you can fix this with longer descriptions.
Good luck! I'm excited to read some more of this soon fellow green lantern!
Olive <3
Hey wholesome!
Alright, while I'm going to shy away from the second person POV, I will still say there is a reason why it's hardly used for fiction: It doesn't fit well.
Now, you don't describe what is happening in this world much. The chapters aren't that long, but it still took the future kids long to get to the point. So we know there's zombies, but thats about it.
We don't know anything else. Who are these kids? When did this outbreak happen?
Maybe you should expand on this Time Hopping thing. How does it work? It's quite rare to combine grounded fiction such as zombies with science fiction and time travel.
I'd just drop these. In second person POV stories it is hard to connect with the reader. But this definately the wrong way. As far as I know, this isn't a Choose Your Own Adventure.
It sucks? Whoa, he sure is broken up about it.
edit
How did she know "I" went to the police though?
edit
Shouldn't she explain to us what to do? Wasting time.
Entirely pointless.
I'm not sure what you mean by this line. Clear it up.
Reading through all these chapters, I find the story kind of interesting. I just wished you wrote it in a more suitable POV. However, wholesome, you write a lot for your age. It's only going to get better, I'm looking forward to those.
Cheers
Birkhoff
Hi there!
So I was intrigued to this piece because of the title. WWIII? Intriguing...
Now, this is a very interesting style, I haven't really read something like it before. Is it a novel chapter? So will it be like this for the whole book? Interesting.
Just a couple of points. In this line:
"The police man looks at you like your crazy." "Your" should be "you're".
And again, here: "until you parent/wife/husband", it should be "your".
Also, the first paragraph is a bit too long. I think "You beg to differ" would work quite nicely in its own paragraph.
"Remes" should be "Reme's". I love the dialogue of Vernon despairing, very effective. Is "tha=ey" a typo? And the last line doesn't really make sense.
Overall, I loved this! This piece is really interesting and it leaves me with a whole lot of unanswered questions. I don't quite see yet how it relates to WWIII? But I would definitely want to read more.
Keep writing!
Bethan