Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
"We Stem From A Root Planted In The Belief
That We Were Not What We Were Called" Shane Koyczan, To This Day
"Hey, that's my water!" I shouted at the roots of a mean pine tree a few yards away. "Not any more." It sneered and retracted it roots. I whimpered, I was so thirsty. I was just seed, I needed water so that I can feed myself, but that pine and the blackberry bushes took it all. Calling me stupid, ugly, unimportant.
"You don't even know what you are. Why should you survive? I'm bigger, stronger, older. Why should you survive?" The pine would say and the blackberries would echo, "Why should you survive?" I went to sleep hungry, starving, slowly dying. Surviving on the little water that was left over from them.
I just emerged from the ground into the baking sun. I wanted to die, not caring what I was. Because if I'm nothing to the pine and blackberries, why should I survive? They made my life a living hell. Why should I survive? They would just torment me longer.
May as well end it.
I heard the faint voices of the pine and blackberry bushes taunting me. "You're not strong!"
I started to cry. "Just end it," I begged the Sun, sobbing. "Just end my life!" I shouted at it.
The wind started to pick up. It just got faster and stronger and soon I was lifted and was riding the wind. "Just let me die!" I screamed over and over. "Just let me die!" I grew too weak to speak.
The wind stopped and I landed somewhere in moist soil. I sucked in as much as I could and fell asleep, full and happy for the first time.
"Poor dear, he must be really thirsty if he drank that much." I heard a sweet voice say. Sugar cane. I woke up and drank some more. "Whoa there! Ya gonna make yer self sick if you drink that fast." Heard an old voice say. It was a pine, much older than mine.
"Where am I?" I asked to the nice pines roots. "A place that is safe for you." The sugar cane said. I smiled. "A place where you'll be revived and then returned to where ya came from." The old pine said.
This panicked me. "No! I mean- can't I stay?" I asked. I didn't want to leave. The short time I was here was heaven compared to where I was with the pine and blackberry bushes.
"Honey, everybody needs to face their fears at one point or another. Just rest up and then we'll take you home." She said.
I couldn't argue. I got stronger and when it was time to say good bye I cried. The wind picked me up and I landed in the same spot as when I left.
"Well well well. Looks whose here. THE UNIMPORTANT SEED!" The pine shouted to nobody in particular.
"Two words: shut up." I said to the pine. This confuses him. I just continued to ignore him and as my first root sprouted and as my first leaf sprouted I grew stronger against him and his blackberries.
I grew into a beautiful Redwood. Soon I grew tall than that pine or blackberry bushes.
I could see him looking up at me. I was stronger, taller and important.
Note to the reader: I've been thinking about making a part two of this. Please tell ma what you think!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,677 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hi reader!
Happy Review day to you!
manisha here for Green Lantern!
Firstly, let me tell you how much I love the video To This Day. Shane has done an extremely amazing job at telling us that we are all beautiful as we are and that we should say no to bullying. So I look forward to reading this.
I like the way you chose to tell this story through the eyes of a seed. I think its very original.
I was just seed, I needed water so that I can feed myself, but that pine and the blackberry bushes took it all.
I was just a seed,
I love the way you repeat "Why should I survive". It shows how hopeless the seed felt. How much the torment had affected it that she/he was ready to give up on life.
"Poor dear, he must be really thirsty if he drank that much." I heard a sweet voice say. Sugar cane.
haha! I think this was creative. Connecting the sweet voice to that of a sugarcane.
The ending is simple and meaningful. I agree with the concept you wrote about. We all have to face our fears at some point. We shouldn't let the world intimidate us into thinking we are unimportant.
Overall, it was a fine story!
Good job!
-manisha
Finally! Somebody who DOESN't criticize me for my grammar! You also spotted why I named the characters sugar cane!
hi bookworm here to review your work.
I really like your idea. I think it was very creative and imaginative of you to write from the point of view of a seed. I also thought it was rather unusual! (but in a good way)
You are also a very good writer for a twelve year old!
The errors and mistakes that I noticed were all pointed out by ShadowVyper so there would be no point in repeating them.
You should always add a comma after speech. So "Hey, that's my water!" I shouted should be "Hey, thats my water!", I shouted. Just something I noticed.
Also how come its rated 18 plus?
Any who...well done and keep it up!!
Would you want an eight year old reading this?
Hey Oles!
~ I assume that this was a the quote that inspired this story (I believe that I saw something about this in the short description about this piece). If so, I think I recommend rewriting it as...Shady here with a review for you this fine afternoon. c:
"We stem from a root, planted in the belief that we were not what we were called." ~ Shane Koyczan, To This Day...
Play around with it a bit, to see the formatting you like best. The bold, and all capitalized words, just seem a bit bulky and unnecessary, deducting from the overall appearance of the piece.
~ Oh my. Okay, I'm going to pause right here and point out several important facts.
1) Each new speaker warrants a new paragraph.
Even if each speaker isn't really speaking at all (as is the case of a pine tree and a seed).
2)Information dumps are bad.
I didn't realize, when I first started reading this piece, that it would actually be from the POV of a seed. That's an interesting twist, to be sure, but you have to reveal that slowly. Not "I was just see, I needed water so I can feed myself, but..." yeah. Use more imagery.
3) Coherency is good.
I don't...understand...the bit about him being stupid, ugly, and unimportant. It doesn't seem like the pine would be like "Whoa! You are one beautiful seed. Here, have some water." Therefore, I don't see why it matters that he may or may not be ugly.
But, don't despair! Where I see things to criticize, I most often see a fix for them. Therefore, I give you...
"Hey, that's my water!" I shouted, my voice gruff and cracked. It'd been so long since I'd swallowed a mouthful of sweet water, since I'd savored its cooling effect as it dribbled down my throat, I could scarcely even remember how it felt.
"Not any more." The roots of a pine tree sneered, as it absorbed all the water in a small pool nearby. As soon as they took the water, they sloshed back to their tree-- fat and lazy, filled with too much water. It sneered and retracted it roots.
I whimpered. I was tired of being so small, so easily bullied by the pine tree and the nearby blackberry bushes. Tired of being mocked and abused. So tired of being thirsty.
~
See the change? Slow it down. Add emotion. Add color.
I'll try to simply correct and move on from now on, unless another big problem I haven't addressed yet comes up-- and spare you the lecture.
~
~
"Oh, quit complaining, you little brat." The pine said, scoffing, looking at me disdainfully.
"I'm so thirsty." I sniffed, my voice heavy with tears.
"Why should I care? You don't even know what you are. I'm bigger and stronger than you are, and have already fought for my right to live. Why should you live instead of me?"
"Why should you survive?" The blackberries echoed.
I fell asleep hungry, as I had so many nights before, slowly starving to death.
~
~
The next morning as I woke, I squinted in the bright sunlight that suddenly surrounded me. I'd emerged from the ground. I was baking in the sun. The sun. Oh, it was far hotter than I imagined. It made my life that much more uncomfortable.
I willed myself to wilt under its intense heat. I didn't even care to live any longer. The pine and the blackberries were making my life a living hell. Every day I lingered was a day longer for them to remind me why I shouldn't. Why should I survive? I had no answer.
~
~
"Just end it," I begged the sun, sobbing. "Just end my life. Let me die!"
The wind picked up. It started by tugging on my leaves, but quickly got stronger and stronger, until it ripped me right out of the ground and carried me through the air.
"Just let me die!" I screamed, over and over, until I got too tired to shout anymore.
~
~ This confuses
me, and seems a horribly adolescent thing for a seed who's decided to be mature and ignore the pine to say.
~
Okay! I hope this wasn't too harsh. You have a good plot. You just need to clean it up, and breathe life into it. Hope this helped!
~ YWS' Supreme Nazi of Grammar
Why'd you call me Oles? That seems a bit unnecessary. If you're going to give me nick name, anything but that please.
Why don't you thank @ShadowVyper for the review instead of complaining about what he called you? He spent time on it and needs to be appreciated.
I'm that type of person.
I didn't realize that nickname would both you. I apologize.
*bother >.>
That's alright. I was just wondering why you called me 'Oles'.
*shrugs* I come up with strange nicknames for people. Just ask owL (CowLogic), Egs (megsug), or Ri (AriaAdams).
I will call you however you wish, though. Just let me know. c:
Oh! I see! You find different words in peoples names. That's cool. At the time, I thought it was weird, cuz I was new here, sorta. But go ahead and call me that if you want. (I saw the owl, egs and ri. I just now realized that.)
Oh, haha. Okay. c: