Chapter 4

by decco6226

Published May 31, 2016

18+ Language Violence Mature Content

In Population Is Currently Growing

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

PreviousNext

My first action is ripping off that uniform! While it does look nice, the material is flimsy - like Nook grabbed some old fabric and quickly stitched it together. It was like wearing a sheet! I spin around once again, and am in my regular clothes.

"Glad I'm out of this mess…" I mumble. I immediately run without a moment's hesitation. I don't care where I'm going, I'm just glad to be far gone from there for a while. My running turns to jogging shortly, and I come to a small hill. I remember seeing one of these on the map, so I know I'm not off-track. As I step out, I am suddenly violently pushed to the side, sending me tumbling down the hill. I keep rolling, whacking my head many times on the ground, while twisting my arm quite a bit. And as I'm lying there, dazed and confused, the outline of a hippo approaches, raises it's arm, and brings it down onto me. And then it's black.

Confusion. Blurriness. Paranoia.

"Copper, I found the unknown species…"

"Rollo, that's a human! It's not unknown -"

"Let's get Blather's to investigate it!"

"Rollo-"

Black. Silence.

My eyes snap open. There's a pounding in my head, and my arm has a mixture of dried blood and dirt on it - probably from the fall. I'm confused, dizzy, and apparently in a police cell, although I don't know why… I'm lying on the cold, hard ground, surrounded by a wall of bars. Since I'm in a cell, I know I'm locked in.

To put simply, I'm trapped.

"Hello human…" I hear. I turn towards the noise, from what I recognize the voice as the one named "Rollo". I fully stand up - almost falling over!

"Who are you?" I ask.

"Rollo." He replies. It's too blurry, but I can tell he was a hippo… Just like the figure that approached me on the hill. It was him!

"What's your name?" He asks.

My snort is my reply. "What the hell is this!" I yell, tugging at the bars of the door to my cell. As I guessed, it was locked. Of course, why wouldn't it be?

He just slowly approaches me, slowly drawing closer.

"You can't escape, little boy…" He taunts. I snort once again, and settle down a bit, placing my hand on my wounded head, the other hand on a bar in the jail gate, resting it. I notice that he has the keys hanging from a key ring to his side.

Why would the Officer leave him in charge?

"If you settle down" he teases "I'll put in a good word for you. Maybe the mayor and Officer Copper will let you stay here…" He placed his hand on mine, gently. I curled my hand in his.

"Oh…" I say sweetly but softly. My hand quickly curls into a trap on his pointer finger. I quickly jerk it to the left like a lever, snapping it. He screams, and tries to pull away. But I slip my other hand, wrapping it around the keys, and holding on for dear life. He pulls away harshly, pulling me into the gate with two "clangs", violently smashing the side of my face into it's metal bars. I finally let go, and hold my forehead to which has just worsened the pain.

"Little bastard." He mumbles, holding his broken finger. "How am I supposed to convince them to keep you alive?" He turns to the door.

"Decco." I yell my name.

He turns back.

"Tell them, that Decco is the little boy… who broke your FUCKING finger!"

Smiling, he walks out, slamming the door behind him, and leaving me in darkness and silence.

Minutes. Hours. Then I lose count. I'm left alone in this cold cell, sitting in a damp corner. All that's in the cell with me is a toilet and a small camping cot. I have alot of time to think. I keep going back to what is wrong with that hippo... First he knocks me out, thinking I'm a new species, then he's trying to get my name to put in a “good word” for me. He's obviously crazy, but why?

Sighing, I stand up. Literally, like I cued it, Rollo bursts through the door, screaming like an animal - ha… puns… He's full of rage. Rage. I'm frozen, and can't move. The fear has snared me in it's grasp. He runs to my cell, pulls the key out, and unlocks it. Opening the door, he lunges at me immediately.

Almost instantly, I roll out of the way, causing him to crash to the concrete below. I crawl quickly to the freedom that the open door promised, but it slowly slipped away as I am pulled backwards from my feet. By instinct, I kick behind me, and I felt the strange consistency of flesh-covered bone. Rollo fell backwards again, and I leap up. I dash to the door, and as I was almost there, I feel a violent force on my back, and I fly to the stone wall, smashing my forehead into it.

I see stars, and my whole world went blurry. As I fell, my hand catches on the edge of a large barrel of rifles. They tumble to the ground along side me. Before I can even process anything that just happened, Rollo was on me. He pins me down, grabs my head, and slammed it into the stone ground. I scream with all the pain conflicted to my skull. When Rollo brought my head up again, that gives me the chance to grab a nearby bolt-action rifle. Grabbing the heavy gun, I swung it into his side, causing him to tumble. Adrenaline pulses through me, causing me to react quickly and feel no pain. I smash the butt of the rifle onto his face once when Rollo was down, then quickly crawl backwards until my back hits stone. I bring the rifle to my arm, pull back the bolt, causing the shell to eject and fall out. Loading a new shell in from the magazine, I then keep my aim.

Ten seconds pass, then I lose my will to defend myself, and violently threw the rifle to the floor. I wheeze, and look at the closed door.

"It was self defense, you fucking maniac!" I scream. The room is then filled with light, and I look up. A large dog dressed in a police uniform comes in, and gasps at the scene.

"Help…" I manage to squeak out, and then I am out. 

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this fine review day. I haven't read previous chapters, so I apologize if I say something that doesn't really apply because of that. Feel free to ignore it if that's the case.

Overall, this wasn't bad at all, even if it is pretty short for a chapter.

The first few paragraphs could use a little work. You use too many exclamation points at the beginning of the first one, which made the whole thing start off by feeling kind of cheesy - not something you want! Then, the attack came a little bit too suddenly, all in one paragraph, so that made it really easy to kind of skip over and not follow what was going on. It also didn't feel very tense because of the way it all happened in one paragraph, without you showing what the main character's reaction was. I'd recommend putting something like "I was pushed violently to the side" in it's own paragraph, then describe how the character fell and got knocked out in the next paragraph.

I also thought having the f-word in all caps wasn't really necessary. You can get that across without caps.

You have a similar problem to above with the fight with Rollo - it's all in the same paragraph and is too matter-of-fact to have any real tension - make sure to include the main character's reactions to the situation and how he is feeling and what he is thinking. In fights, you generally want to be deep in the character's head.

And that's all I've got. Keep writing!

User avatar
Leekeer
Review
Leekeer wrote a review Review · Jun 3, 2016

Ello, Im here to do a review. Feel free to tell me if i did anything wrong.
Ok lets get right into it then!.

My running turns to jogging shortly, and I come to a small hill."


there is no need to put and after the comma and just say " i came to a small hill" just a grammar mistake as well as a spelling one.

"I remember seeing one of these on the map, so I know I'm not off-track. As I step out, I am suddenly violently pushed to the side, sending me tumbling down the hill. I keep rolling, whacking my head many times on the ground, while twisting my arm quite a bit. And as I'm lying there, dazed and confused, the outline of a hippo approaches, raises it's arm, and brings it down onto me. And then it's black."


This Section was a great section for you because of the way you told me about his fall and the detailing was precise and good but there was still some simple mistakes down the way and those mistakes were " and then its black" when black should have been back and i think you should have put " then the arm was brought down onto me" as it makes the sentence flow better and gives the reader a better chance of understanding it better.


"Minutes. Hours. Then I lose count."

There should have been commas instead of full stops and "lose" should have been "lost" as it is better.


"It was self defense, you fucking maniac!" I scream. The room is then filled with light, and I look up. A large dog dressed in a police uniform comes in, and gasps at the scene.
"Help…" I manage to squeak out, and then I am out."


Great ending left me wanting more and more, but there were simple mistakes here taht could be fixed like " then i am out" when it should have been " then i was knocked out cold" to make the reader know that he was knocked out not went out to eat with his mates,

My final thoughts are proofread your work before you publish and just learn from mistakes as it well gradually help you become awesome at writing so keep writing and just dont stop.
:)



Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor