Chapter 3

by decco6226

Published April 2, 2016

18+ Language Violence Mature Content

In Population Is Currently Growing

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

The first thing I do is checking the map to the left of the train station. Well, it was in front of the station - to the left of the stairs under the overhang. The map was green, and showed small green squares. It was a grid of the town. Each square represented an acre. A to F went vertical, while one to five went horizontal.

The rest of the squares contained white rectangles - bridges - over blue lines, which is the river. There are also little purple house symbols peppered over random acres, suggesting other houses. I found out I was in A-3, so I had to go to A-1, and that's what I'll do.

When I approach Nook's, I gasp. I thought my house was bad, and I immediately take that thought back. His store was what one would call a wood shack. It's pitiful, and looked like something a peasant would live in - but the common folk have homes much better than this! I walk in. "Well, finally you arrive! What took you so long?!?" He asks. "I was starting to wonder if you'd show! Only kidding."

I snort in response. These kind of people – no, beings? - get on my nerves.

"Very good, yes! First off, you'll need to change into these clothes!" He pulled out some clothes and handed them to me. "If you must know, I suppose you could call it your uniform. Please let me know when you're done changing, yes?" He said.

I grab my clothing, and then picture it in my mind. The smooth fabric, the nice colors. I spin around, producing some sparkles, which gravity took over, and flew my hands in the air. The clothes were on, wrapped around my flesh, and my old clothes were gone. The clothing not only changed my shirt, but my horn hat had the same look. It's a dark, unappealing turquoise with a white leaf stitched in the middle. It looks okay, but not what I was looking for.

"That's better!" He cheers. "Yes. You look like you were born to wear that uniform! Now you can start working off the remaining eighteen thousand, eight hundred Bells you owe on your house. Hurrah!"

I sigh, I just wanted this whole thing to be over. But at the exact same time, I got a house and a pretty simple cost to pay.

"First off," he started, shoving some flower bags and tree saplings my way "I want you to go plant some trees and flowers around my shop. The area around here is too dull - not charming at all. It's just not an ideal sort of shopping experience, hm?"

"Yeah, neither is a shack for a store." I mumble, but not loud enough for him to hear me. After explaining that people like a well-kept environment, he allows me to leave, telling me to come back once I am finished. I walked out without hesitation. As I step out a few steps, I turn around and look at the shop. It's made of thick wood, cheap glass for windows, no door, and one of those crappy, wavy tin roofs. I snort again - who'd shop here even with a nice outside environment. But this is my new job, and I have to do it well.

I spend most of my afternoon planting flowers in the soft soil to the left of the store, and tree saplings to the right. When I finished and thought I did a good job, I proudly walked back into the store. "So, did you make it look a little nicer out there? Gave the grounds some charming character, hm?"

I nodded, very happy with my work.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I won't bother asking how you chose where to plant everything." My heart immediately sinks. I was so excited for him to see, and he just says that it isn't worth his time to see. "After all" he said "I'm not the one who'll get laughed at when travellers from other towns see your work. My, no!"

My sadness turns to rage. "Oh, screw off man!" I scream so loud inside, I'm surprised it didn't make any noise.

"Now, let's just see here… That little chores was worth, oh… Let's call it about eighty Bells, yes?"

"Are you fucking kidding me dude!" I think. All that work and I get eighty out of eighteen thousand, eight hundred. Then he says that he is quite generous, and he'll keep the money I make as payment toward my mortgage. I'm beyond steamed and am seriously considering slugging him in the face, consequences not in mine. I mean, how will I buy food?

As he brags about himself, I just mumble, "Oh, another Nook is great story. My favourite is when he makes the sun come up…"

"Wait just a moment… Something just struck me…" He suddenly says out loud - I was not listening to anything before. "Decco, you just moved to Rainhill… but you haven't introduced yourself to all the townsfolk, have you?"

Well, of course not, I'm forced into labor not even twenty minutes after I get here…

"I'm going to give you a little break, so why don't you go introduce yourself to everyone in town, hm? Go on, now!"

I nod quickly,

"And don't forget to introduce yourself to the mayor, too. That would show some class." He reminds me. Before dismissing me, he tells me that I can find the mayor near the wishing well. I run out before he can say anything else, and once again, and greeted by sunlight.

Comments & reviews · 2
ofmonstersandmen1234 wrote a review Review · Apr 3, 2016

Hello I'm Sandman and I will be your reviewer today.

I don't think there is much to say. You have an amazing story already. I love it. I like the style of writing. One of the best fan-fictions I have read. You should do more of them or maybe you already do. I don't know. This is absolutely amazing. The best of wishes from me to you. Hope you have an amazing review day. Happy writing.

P.S. I hope I was helpful to you and/pr your writing. :D

thanks so much! It means so much that you like it this much! I actually even have the ending all planned out, so that's a yay! I'll keep updating every once in a while, so there's that!

seeminglymeaningless wrote a review Review · Apr 3, 2016

Hi Decco,

I'd like like to say that I haven't read any of the previous chapters and I'm entering in blind. This is somewhat desirable, actually, as many people will turn to a random chapter in a story in a bookstore to see if the book is to their liking. Assume I've done that.

That said, critique sandwich time.

1. What did I like about this piece?
> It's all very quest-like. He's bought something and now he needs to pay it off and his first quest is to plant some flowers and trees. He's rewarded and finds out just how many other chores (quests) he'll have to complete before he actually owns his house. I found that interesting.

> The juxtaposition between your main character's thoughts of Nook's place and how Nook reacts. It tells me that your character is very naive and really is far worse off than he thinks he is. I like the idea of a character who doesn't really know his place in society. Apologies in advance if your main character is female.

2. What specific points need improvement?
> Writing in present tense is a personal choice, but I find it to be very... hard to write in and also a little dubious. To me it seems unlikely that a story is ever unfolding just as I happen to exist. I prefer past tense.

> Your first paragraph is very choppy. Indeed, you seem to write primarily in simple sentences, with few complex sentences. Sentence structure and length play a good part in tone and how the reader paces themselves. When there are so many short sentences, the reader feels like they keep getting coat-hangered. Fact after fact after fact. Simple sentence after simple sentence. I was dying for a little bit of descriptive language that allow the sentence to breathe.

> Descriptive language in general - it'd be nice to have much more than what you currently have. What did the train station look like? What did the map remind the character of? What emotion did the first glance at the shack tear from your main character's bank of feelings?

> You've probably explained Bells before, but in my experience, currency is currency. Unless there's a specific reason why these are called Bells as opposed to coins or notes, it just feels unnecessary.

> In serious work you rarely use the interrobang or "!?". Using "?!?" is just overkill. Here's where descriptive language helps you describe how the character speaks. Instead of "asks" you could have said, "blurted" or "he squeaked, his voice strained with impatience and disbelief" etc.

> Nook reminds me of a house elf, but with money?

> I don't like how you indicate your main character's thoughts. When you use speech marks, that indicates speech. When you use italics, that normally indicates thought. You don't need the speech marks. Also, as this story is completely from the point of view of your main character, you can slip his thoughts into the narrative with descriptive language.

> "shoving some flower bags and tree saplings" ... just how many? If there are a lot, then it doesn't make sense to shove them at you. If there are not many, it shouldn't have taken you most of the afternoon.

> Nook being annoying/evil for the sake of being annoying/evil is annoying. Especially when he suddenly becomes kind/good for the sake of being kind/good.

3. What are my concluding thoughts?
> I think that this story has potential. I'm curious as to how many quests this guy has to complete to own his home and also as to why he'd think it was a good idea to buy a home with so much debt. You need to focus on adding descriptive language to your work and also have a look at how speech works in novels.

I hope this review helped in some way!

All the best,
Jai



As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda