This is a poem about a girl who wasn't even my girlfriend. I wanted to hook up with her but she talked about some friendship and stuff...liar...
There was a time
when unhappy we were;
I tried so hard to get to her,
but she left me only this rhyme.
There was a trying of lop
filled with greed;
I planted the seed,
but she ruined my crop.
This was her reign,
this was my defeat.
Her idiocy meet
my unforgettable pain.
This is my amend,
my conquered land:
her strong stand
shown as idiotic boyfriend.
I also had an option for the last stanza...
This is my amend,
my conquered land;
And I say she was
just an idiotic boyfriend.
Not done with the editing yet.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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hm...so how come it's called idiotic boyfriend if it's about a girl?
Haha, just kidding, I think before I speak and read before I write (I read June's post). So I won't harass you about pointless semantics and others' failure to comprehend.
While I do agree with Xavier in that we must feel what we write, so as to be honest and communicate with purpose, passion, and intent....I do think that he's stretching it a bit. Poetry is not always about emotions and great passions, please, simply look at William Carlos Williams or Kerouac. There is a subtle tone to your works (and I'd like to think it intentional) and that is what I enjoy about them.
Maybe you could describe, not the girl's appearance or anything, but rather a once sweet memory you shared with her. Just to give the reader a better sense of her, realize your attachment to her to then accentuate the pain later when they realize she's now gone from your life. Perhaps the rush from first making a move, the thrill of first taking her hand, that kind of stuff. If you emphasize the good to a slight degree it contrasts and strengthens the sad.
I'm sorry this girl broke your heart, I know how it feels, but given time one will find peace. For now...well, we are what we write and we, my friend, are sad.
PaperMoon
The title is idiotic boyfriend and the poem says this:
you talk about a girl as a boyfriend? I think you might want to change that=)
but i liked especially the part in which you talked about her reign and your defeat, it really described your emotions!
Every your suggestion helped me a lot. Thanks8)
I'm bullet-proof for that kind of stuff. You can't insult me, in any way, ever.
• Second line: Um. Sounds a bit "hillbilly" if you know what I mean. What happened to good old "When we were unhappy?" And it doesn't help the rhyme anyhow because...
• Next topic:... The next line's rhyme seems very forced. If you still wanted the second stanza to remain as is, than I would suggest saying, "When unhappy we were, I tried so hard to get to her." This way, the iambic pentameter stays the same and the two lines fit together nicely.
• Interesting analogy. It fits with the hillbilly theme above. I'm joking okay. But I like the analogy and it rhymes smoothly.l
• I don't think that the word "lop" fits in that context. I really don't know what you want there, but I advise against "lop."
•There's a bit of a forced rhyme here again. It sounds so forced because of lack of attention to the syllable patterns. You've got a nice around five syllable pattern [the first two lines] and then you out of the blue come up with a nine syllable line followed by a seven syllable line. Oh wow. Say it out loud... hear the issue. I suggest making each line at least, give or take one, the same amount of syllables. That way everything fits together smoothly and nicely.
• As I recall, she is a girl. "Girlfriend" would still work you know.
---
Hm. That's about it. Again, just see if any of my suggestions could enhance the quality of your poem. I hope you'll take some into consideration for merely the sake of the poem. I did enjoy it, it was fun to read.
(I also reviewed a piece of yours because you are the fabled harsh reviewer. I just wanted to see what you could do. So far, I'm satisfied.)
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Oh. I read the rest of the reviews. Interesting. But by calling your idiotic girlfriend an idiotic boyfriend to insult her, aren't you basically insulting yourself, and apparently your appearance, and your very being?! Well?
Just look my 1st reply to June ...and thanks for review....
oh, idiotic boyfriend..are you pertaining to yourself?
for me, it was fine.. and you used a-b-b-a kind of pattern, right, which i find quite hard.
very well, i know you're writing based from experience..
but i've never seen someone like you so down, underestimating your self, and like, letting that girl reign over you..hmm i guess, you're really broke..
i like this:
but i don't understand this:
how can you call a girl an "idiotic boyfriend"?
I explained that in this topic...read all reviews and replies and you'll find it...
I did that...I learned she was just another idiotic boyfriend...
I'm new on this forum but I honestly just wanted to say that the poem was great but it lacked a real concept. You also said that the title to this was "Idiotic boyfriend" but why did you write about a "she?" Now I could understand if maybe you were feeling upset about whatever happened between you and your girlfriend, and you figured that you should maybe drop your self esteem and be like "Man, I feel like I was the most idiotic boyfriend...," something along those lines. But there was no concept, and I would've actually really liked it more, if there had of been a moral or special message to the poem. Something more bolder and blunt, you kind of wrote this piece without feeling. It was more plain, stale and it was hard for me to understand where you were trying to get at with the poem. I believe you can do better, just work on this in some areas and try to make it flow better, give it more "life" make it more vibrant you know? Lure your readers or seduce them with twists and turns within your poem. Let your imagination take effect, but don't do it to the point where it'll be bland and scattered, not making any sense period. Bring a little more of your own personification into it, shine some light on YOUR experience or what you learned at the end of the day. And make sure next poem, that the title ACTUALLY SIMMERS into the words. Cause you had it mixed around up top there. Other than that I honestly did love it. You can pm me if you'd like, just for the heck of it. We could be cool
Don't take this all to personal, just giving my opinion on it. Good job though!
ever heard of Baudelaire? He didn't want to live, he was bored with life, dissapointed in people and himself.
If I do that, it would be quite a long poem, eh? It's too late now when I don't think of her in that way. I can't find that passion and I'm scared of the emotions that will came all over again if I do that...
Oh, and I didn't said that she was with someone else...
Hey.
You've got a rhyme scheme going here but I think your lines are missing or having a syllable or two out of place here and there. Anyway, it needs a little fixing up regarding the rhyme. Read it out and see if it flows well once you edit it.
Anyway, that's pretty much my only problem. Emotions are well portrayed here and also a hint of isatire/humor in poetry always leaves a lasting impression. Hmm... The first part of your poem was dark then it goes into satirical humor at the very end. I appreciate consistency in poetry but it worked here so good job.XD
that's all.XD fix up the rhyme, though.
Keep writing.XD
--Knightly
Yeah, June said the same thing..haha..nevermind, thanks.. I'm fixing it at the moment...
i don't like this. it sounds like you might be trying to hard to rhyme, rather than just writing what you're feeling. also, the rhyming pattern bothers me. it seems to go:
A,B,B,A.
this is rare, and i think it sounds unnatural and uncomfortable. in the future, you might wanna try something like
A,B,A,B / A,A,B,B.
sorry. it's just a pet peeve of mine.
i do like the idea, and the energy behind the poem. however, i think you just need a better way to channel it into a poem. try not thinking about it. just let the words fly out. it seems like you're revising and perfecting it too much, and leaving out important parts.
You couldn't know... thanks anyway..
Hey there!
Ah, so that was the point? Great! I'm glad I didn't misread you.
Oh wow, you're silly. Really. But good point with that, dear. Adds a touch of humor to this for us.
Sorry for the whole scenario--
No problem; anytime!
June
Lol, you got me
Nope, I meant just as I said-boy... I make fun of her every day now, when I don't love her anymore. So to me, she is a boy. Not that she looks like a boy but for some reason this makes her very angry... And I tried to make this special for something...
P.S. Thanks
Hey Darko! It's June again! Let's work on this
.
Before I begin... I'm confused. You say idiotic boyfriend, but you're referring to a she?? I think it should be girlfriend, right?
Anyway, moving on!
I like the emotion you've writ into this, Darko, it's pretty strong, and the rhythm of this is good. The rhyme scheme here is forcing-- it really is. Instead of just allowing us to read through this smoothly, we have to like... piece together what the meaning of the word you're using is and we shouldn't have to, dear.
For now, it seems a little fuzzy, like a first draft. That's not a bad thing, at all. All you have to do it take another look at this -- not right away, come back to this with a fresh eye-- and cross out what you think can stay and what you think needs to go. Chop away some of this, make some holes and patch them up. Play with the rhyme a little and turn this into something perfect.
It's a good job, Darko, just a little rough. Keep it up, dear, and if you need help, feel free to PM me!
June