Tomorrow doesn't matter
'cause we are caught in endless time.
Lies that we tried to scatter
aren't worth us more than a dime.
We can only dream now
and transcend in our mind.
Peace will be found somehow
and hatred will be grind.
A man that doesn't deserve
a dream to be near;
a man who doesn't feel the verve
shall see the doom of fear.
Please forgive us
for we have sinned.
Please don't tread on us
for we vanished in the wind.
Although my pen
is bleeding with sorrow
and lives in terrifying den,
but hopes for a better tomorrow.
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Okay, the last line seemed quite forced and really out of syllable pattern. Try, "aren't worth us more than a dime." That way, the syllables at least fit together a bit. But really, changing it to fit somewhat of a similar pattern could do this poem much glory.
Grind is a word that doesn't fit. I know what you mean by it, but it truly doesn't. I know you're trying to rhyme, but rhyme with some meaning please. Also change Peace'll to Peace will. Other than that, good.
This entire stanza does this poem no good whatsoever. It awkward rhymes and an odd flow. Completely redo this one.
Um, change the second line. "With" doesn't fit. Try "a." It makes more sense.
Otherwise, good.
Try, "we've" for the last line. Good though.
"Bleading" should be bleeding. You know there's spell check on here, right?
Also, the third line is strange. Try, "Although my pen is bleeding with sorrow, and lives in a terrifying den, we still hope for a better tomorrow." Or something like that.
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Very interesting poem. (In a good way.) I liked the idea and how you carried it out. Look over my suggestions and see if you agree. Very good though.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Ok! I read some of the reviews that people have posted, and verve is a word! It means to have a lot of enthusiasm, and to be lively. I think you should check a dictionary if you're not sure of a word before calling someone out on it. BUT ANYWAY on to the poem at hand:
The poem had spots where it didn't exactly flow, which would be perfectly fine if it was free verse; however I think you meant for it to have a nice rhyme and scheme along with rhyme and rhythm. It slacks in both areas. But only a little! So don't get mad at me. The rhyming is good until a few points, where it's a little awkward. The flow is slightly obscured, and not an easy pace to follow. But you could've very well meant for it to be that way. I personally, am a little confused with the meaning and the deeper meaning of the pome. When I thought it was one thing, it switched to another. Which was very infuriating because I like to understand what I read (Especially poems)
Overall, I thought the poem was a little incongrous.
But I did feel the emotion you put into it. Especially in the last stanza
I don't count grammar in poems: I think that poetry is the one place where they aren't mandatory.
Rothwise, are you angry at me or what.???.. Please don't review my works anymore...
Explosive pen..thank you...I'll correct it as soon as I can.
couple of grammer mistakes, which i'll list for you:
the last sentence in the first stanza...the first word shouldn't be "dont" but "aren't"
the whole third stanza doesnt rhyme. i would suggest using different vocabulary for that.
in the fourth stanza, you end the third line with "verve"....i dont believe that that is a word!! also in the fourth stanza, you should have "dream" be plural.
the fifth stanza, it should be "tread" not thread. thread makes absolutely no sense. and you also rhymed "us" and "us". dont ever do that in poetry.
and in the sixth stanza, there should be an "a" added in the last line of the sixth stanza. but also, you spelled "bleeding" wrong. you spelled it "bleading" which is wrong.
Overall, there's no rhythm in this poem, and it really doesn't make a lot of sense. It's pretty clear what it's about, but the way you word it just doesn't do the meaning justice. The rhyming seems really forced, like it most definitely did not come naturally. So my advice would be to ditch the rhyme and rewrite this to make it more rhythmic.
For all those that are in a superior group of people who desn't understand my poems: It's about fear,life,love,sorrow or something like that and usually I am the subject. In this case, the word is about crappy world....Everything we do can't change anything...even if we all change ourselves we would still be miserable. So I m hoping for improvement and praying for understanding from gods above...
I'm not sure I could tell someone what this was about if they asked, so maybe I just don't understand it. To me it seemed like a lot of neat phrases threaded together that don't really mean anything. I'm not sure what the focus of the poem is or where it's trying to take me, but I don't think I get there. There were some good images in the second half, with the forest and the man and then the pen, but for the most part all of it was very abstract and difficult to grasp, especially when it jumped around like that. There's energy behind this, I can tell, but I need concrete sensory points to latch on to and give meaning to the energy. Also, I found the sentence structure a little distracting. Nouns were verbs and adjectives were nouns and it was all very confusing and off-putting. I would amend the sentences not only so they're grammatically correct but also so they make sense and flow naturally.
I liked the way the words rolled off my tongue when I read this aloud; it would make a good slam poem. I want to know what it was about, though, and right now I can't understand it. Keep writing!
-BFG
That was really good. I wont grade the grammar or the punctuation because I am bad at it. You brought emotions which is good but I didn't get what you ment in the begging of part 6 can you please PM me and explain? Good Job!