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140,905 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
Hi there! barefootrunner here to review
It works for me and the subtle humour does not escape me.
Happy review day and may the Tsunamis triumph!
Okay, firstly spelling and grammar:
Your second line contains two spelling errors: who's should be whose and benine should be benign. In the second-last line, 'you' should be 'your'.
Punctuation:
Not constant. Try writing everything as one line and see if your punctuation makes sense:
Paloma, I cannot live without hearing the sound, of your beating heart as I rest my head on your chest.
See that comma? It's disrupting the sentence and feeding off your poem! Kill it, before it kills you!
Lineation:
Not spectacular. You have very varied line lengths which don't seem to accomplish much, except maybe giving the poem a more conversational tone. The single second-last line does stand out too much for my taste. It needs pruning.
Poetic devices:
Practically none. Poems are all about metaphors, similes and sound devices! Feed it with alliteration and assonance! Give it rhythm. Give it some love and attention to make it more poetic and less prosaic.
Originality:
I love my cat like that
Well done!
Keep writing!
barefootrunner
Hello there! As I was reading, I noticed a little error near the end.
"Oh, how I love the sound of you quiet purrs that can only come from you."
Shouldn't the first ,"you" be "your" ?
And also, whats a, "armless green monster"? Did you forget to put an h?
Well, that's all for now! Keep writing!
~Swiftfur
It a minecraft monster called a creeper. They are scared away by cats. If you see at the end this poem is about a cat not a person.
It a minecraft monster called a creeper. They are scared away by cats. If you see at the end this poem is about a cat not a person.
I'm really trying hard to imagine what 'armless green monsters' is an allusion to. I mean, don't take that to mean that you're being vague. Maybe you are, but maybe I'm just not getting something that is obvious to others. Clear it up for me?
Aside from that, I really like this. I think maybe you wanted it to be read twice, once before revealing that it's about a cat and once after, thereby changing its meaning. But then, if you're actually smarter than the rest of us, you want that third reading where it ISN'T about a cat and you're just using that term to describe an actual person. Or maybe it's just a cat. Hey, claim hidden layers where people find them, right? I'll stop rambling soon.
Anyway, the correct spelling is benign, but even then it is used pretty awkwardly. That line is the only thing I would change. The rest of the poem has a simple tone to it, but this line sticks out, particularly since its so prominent at the beginning. The second line has to really set the tone, and this one doesn't. Once again, almost finished rambling.
Overall, very good. Keep writing - always keep writing - and give my regards to Paloma.
The armless green monster is a creeper from minecraft. They run away from cats. I was trying to add it in some humor to see if anyone would know what I was takling about
The armless green monster is a creeper from minecraft. They run away from cats. I was trying to add it in some humor to see if anyone would know what I was takling about