Ebony, I always loved you.
When Paloma came, I loved you more.
The both of you tore at my heart,
and pushed my love to its limit.
You two paved way for the small problems we would face.
I thank you for those powerful, and prefect moments with you.
You let me teach what I knew,
so you could press on through.
I won't let you go no matter what.
To desperse or to mantain, I hope it's the latter,
because you both cannot be released from my clutches.
I love you too mich to let die,
And if the job is to protect you,
the pleasure will be all mine.
Thank you,
My cat Ebony, and her daughter Paloma.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Hey Dark, just going through your stuff when I found this masterpiece! It made me feel all gooey inside at the beginning and the last line made me laugh my arse off. I really liked it. I did find one mistake which no one else said anything about and that is this " and pushed my loved to its limit." That should have been love not loved. Otherwise it was awesome.
keep it up.
Hey Dark, Black here for a quick Review Day Review!
Or you could read it out to yourself and 'feel' out the mistakes. For now I'm going to point out and fix them for you though!
Okay, so first off. This was great. It was fun, easy going, well written, with good wording, and overall . . . a nice change from all the formal stuff I've been reading this morning. Your strengths are definitely in idea, theme, grammar, and pacing. The most important parts of your writing. Your weak spots, from what I see, are more in your spelling, general idea, and formality. I'll do what I can to show you your problems and help you fix them, but you gotta remember that at the end of the day you can't rely on reviewers! You have to do some of the work yourself! No offense fellow reviewers!
So, I'm going to start off with Spelling:
The few mistakes that you do have could easily be fixed by a spell checker (One of which I'd highly advise you to obtain), or a dictionary/thesaurus.
As you may have already noticed, 'desperse' and 'mantain' are not words.
Okay, as you probably already see, 'mich' isn't a word. I do believe you mean 'much', yes?
I'm going to bunch my other two points together here and just point out that this is a very informal, easy going type of poem, in which it would be a very, very good idea to use some rhyme. Really. Think about it. You need rhyming. It'll help smooth things out and make reading it easier. Also, due to the type of poem that this is I have my doubts that it would hurt it at all.
I also love the way you ended
Keep writing – Guaranteed Improvement.
~Black~
Hi, dark.
I'm GeeLyria and I'll be reviewing for you tonight.
Alright. This was hilarious! The last line killed me. xD Love it! I like the sound of your poetry, sir. *tips hat* But if this poem were a food, I'd be licking my fingers. Ohwait, that sounded really weird... o.O But the point is that it sounds delicious, though I believe it would be lovely if you'd make us think for more time that these two "girls" are actually human. You're comparing these two creatures, Ebony and Paloma, but... Who are these two? The only thing I know about them is that you love them. If I were you, I'd try to write down why I love them... and mention things that women would do, in order to confuse people even more. Just because that might make it even more hilarious and entertaining.
Good job. Hahaha~ Keep writing! ^__^
~GeeLyria
Hey there! Speakerskat here to review for Tisunami Tyrants!
A couple gramatical errors. mich should be much and one of the loved should be love. Also remember to capitalize the first letter in each line of every stanza.I really loved how you described your cats with full passion and love in this story and your could truly feel the emotions ypu put in here seeping throught the word. It is really sad and reminds me of my three cats O'brian, Mr.Gray, and Sadeyes. I love Sadeyes like a baby and he thinks I'm his mom. Mr.Gray is FLUFFY! And O'brian forgets a lot but he is loving and cute. I could really relate to your poem and feel many other people could do the same. It is and amazing gift to be able to make people feel like this just throught your writing and I would say you are definatley one talented writer!
Keep it up
~Speakerskat
I apriciate the review. I'm on your team too!