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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Heya!
My first review in a while, well, a very long while, but I'll see what I can do.
I take it that this poem means something to you personally on an emotional level, and it's evident in the rather simplistic style that you've written it with. The thing is, strictly as a work of literature, it's a bit bland. As a statement of emotion, it's really nice, but as a poem, it doesn't really reach a standard I would classify as a good poem. I'll try and explain that a bit better, I suppose.
Firstly, phrases like "Hold me tight/ and I won't let go" and "forever more" are quite widely used and could be classified as cliché. Now, I don't say cliché is intrinsically wrong, but if 3/4 of a poem is cliché, it's bland. Sounds harsh, but that's just how it is. What you could try to do is to try and create new ways of saying these things, like you did when you wrote "and I'll melt into you." That line shows something about you, as a writer, instead of a list of eons old lines that everyone's read before.
What I did like about this was the structure. It was a steady progression into more and more intimate words, which I found really nice. Just work on making those words your own, experiment with abstract phrases and, most importantly, make the poem sound like you and convey your feelings _specifically_, instead of generalising with clichés.
All the luck! ^^
-Life
Thanks, thats actually really helpful! I'l have a rethink about it! I'm a little rusty at the mo!
thanks again!