(I haven't finished this one yet - working on it - but I wanted to hear the thoughts. It's imagined as a relatively short story, but I put it under Novel/Chapter category here, as my understanding of "short" tends to be a little off (first book of my series is over 500 pages long). This is actually sort of an intro to my series, so don't be too surprised if some things stay unsaid even when it ends. The Whisperer is, in a way, a very important character in the series. A rather unusual one, too, but I won't spoil it for you. As always, please note that English is not my 1st language, and remember I value every comment and every critic. Also, it would be very sweet lf you to read the part one as well :3 And you will understand it better then, haha.. Thank you.)
*
The man stayed for the next day, and the day after, and the day after, and I decided to think of him as of my new master. One by one, he cleaned all the rooms I let him enter, swept away the dust and opened the windows he could - climbing roses were stubborn - letting fresh, cold air run through the hallways.
Though he was the first person to stay since my creator left me, he wasn't always in. He would often go out, usually in the evenings, and come back late at nights, seeming much older than when he left. I watched as he would sit on the window bench, sometimes drawing what he saw outside, and I wondered what's bothering him so much. Even for human understanding, he was still very young, and as much as I knew from observing people on the streets, he was to be joyful and carefree, and run around with friends in search for women... Yet he seemed dark and serious, lost in his own world and unaware of how it should be.
One day, he came home with his suit stained with dark blood, collapsing in his favourite armchair, breathing heavily and shaking as if it was much colder than it really was. I struggled with myself, finally deciding to light a fire for him, and at the smell of flames he opened his eyes in surprise.
"What -", he murmured, interrupted by the bell. I knew who it was before he got to the door, and I wondered if that new person is good or bad news.
It was a young woman, slender and resembling a flower: her face, the only part of her skin visible, was pale under curly raven hair, and her light blue eyes widened at the site of my master opening the door. Her cheeks, from the cold or from something else, turned pinkish, and she licked her lips before speaking.
"You are hurt", she stated the obvious, and the man tried to smile. He leaned his head against the door, and I could feel his fever as if I was burning out with him. The woman maybe noticed it, or she was freezing standing outside, so she carefully entered, not letting her eyes leave him.
The moment she crossed the doorstep, I knew she was important to my master. There was something different about her, something that surrounded her like a cloak, something my creator once had as well, but I couldn't quite understand it. I couldn't link with her, not the way I could with my creator and I believed I could with my young new master; I saw her thoughts and desires the same way I could see those of any other person, and, for the first time, I wished I didn't.
There was darkness in her mind, kind of darkness that no young woman's thoughts should hold, and for a moment I got lost in the shadows and silhouettes, voices and music and flowers that grew over her dreams. Then the moment has passed, I was back to the reality, and the couple moved to the library, not noticing my trip to her mind.
She kneeled next to the chair, with a bowl of water and a cloth in her hand, trying to get him to stay calm. He took off his suit and shirt, and now his injury was well visible: it was, as much as I understood, a deep cut of a knife or similar, and his bleeding didn't seem to be stopping. The dark drops of red as roses outside leaked down his chest, reminding me of tears.
"I know it hurts", she said gently, clutching his fingers with hers, and blue eyes met the green ones.
"You didn't have to come", he muttered, "I would be alright."
For a second, she almost seemed to consider leaving.
"One rarely gets to meet an idiot like you, Hugo deMarkis", she said then. It was the first time I found out my master's name, and I wondered if he was related to my creator - I never got to hear how he was called.
"He had no right to hurt you", Hugo told her guest, closing his eyes. "I don't care what you say, I would do it again."
"Listen to me", she almost yelled, pressing her cloth at his chest, and he moaned. "He had the right to do whatever he wanted, that's just how it goes. I wasn't lucky enough to be born a count and inherit a palace, like someone, so I have to make a living - and I do what I do best."
"You're a marvelous singer, Rubina", he said, and a tiny smile appeared on her lips. "You should be performing in a theatre, in front of a royal audience and wearing a dress worth a fortune."
I imagined her on that kind of stage, and in my thoughts a smile stayed on her face - while, in reality, she turned serious again.
"You're a marvelous dreamer", she sighed. "Will you build me a theatre you describe? Will you pay off all my debts and put in a fortune to buy a dress and find a royal audience? Will you make sure no one from this life finds me once I change it? It's cruel to play with me like that."
He opened his eyes, resembling a child caught in doing something he didn't even know was wrong.
"I'm not playing with you", he whispered. "I wouldn't do that, I just..."
"It's time for me to go", she cut through his words, getting up. "You were lucky enough, it missed your heart for an inch."
"You don't have to go."
"I have the bar owner and my customers waiting for me. I have a job, as good or bad it is, and I can't afford to lose it. Just stop coming and forget me, or you'll get us both in trouble."
"If there was anything I could-"
"Stop coming", she repeated. "Stop getting in fights to save me, I'm not a princess waiting for a knight, you should just stay out of my life."
She left him with those words, so fast he didn't even catch time to see her out, and Hugo sighed as he stayed alone.
Getting up, he locked the door and stood in front of the hallway mirror, frowning at himself. Then he raised his hand and ran the tips of his fingers over the crimson line on his chest - and the moment later, as he turned his back to the mirror, it was gone.
*
QuietQuilla desu!
I just had to say this is awesome! Not knowing gives the mind endless thoughts or suggestions of the future, and I love that.
I also love how after all that time the "thing" made a move--just one move...
There was a few critical mistakes in this chapter that I caught, like
"Even for human understanding, "
and a few transitions, but in all Good Job.
Can't wait to read next insertion, Keep it up!
Hmmm, I'm getting interested in 'her' powers.
But I still have no idea what/who she is.
And that doesn't really work.
Your grammar is much better in this chapter, I can tell.
Logic Problem: The knife cut he got from fighting to save this lady missed his heart by an inch.
Ahem, you may not know it, but that's a VERY serious wound, it's rather difficult to do that without a fairly deeps stab. A stab that would A> Kill you. B> Have you in a hospital at the VERY,VERY,VERY least.
Her power's are interesting and all, but I don't know anything about her still. I want to be able to live as 'her', but without any information I simply can't do it.
I told you, there is a point were you put too much information, and there's a point where you put too little information . . . well, you're on the too little information end. Really low down there.
It's confusing, hard to understand, and it feels wrong.
Whose her creator?
What's her name?
What is she?
What does she look like?
Essential, basic questions like these should be always answered in the beginning of a story . . . you may draw out her history, but not these questions.
It simply will not do.
Your dialogue is great by the way. I really am enjoying it.
It's very real, but since 'she' can read minds, you should put in a bit of emotion . . .
It would be a nice touch.
Some of their thoughts would be nice too . . . just to have a bit of a feel for them.
This is feeling kind of boring so far, I would advise speeding things up a bit here . . . otherwise it's going to get a bit TOO boring . . . and then you lose your readers because they simply can't keep up with you.
But your grammar is better here, and your idea seems original. (Though I'm not a good person to judge).
I enjoyed reading this!
Great work, keep writing!
Oh, wow, you're going after my stuff xD
Feel more than welcomed, though, thoughts are great to hear.
I do know it - "she" doesn't, though, and the fact that it affects Hugo differently than it would "normal" people tells a thing or two as well. It would all, though, be clearer if there was a way to read it all together, as a book, without the random separations of "chapters" that I did here.
Again, the point is to not know about her in the beginning. You know her name, though, it says "Whisperer's story". As to what she is and what she looks like, one tells of the other - and as for the creator, I can't tell in a story of what she, as the narrator, doesn't know herself. Not yet anyway.
Thanks for the review, again :3
Hey again sis!
Before I start the review proper, there's one thing that's been bugging me slightly.
Critics are those who critique. What you value are every comment and every critique.
Now, the review.
This is a digression, yes. Digressions are good sometimes. In Manzoni's Promessi sposi, he digresses so much about the pest in Milan he decided to write a whole book about the topic. However, this digression here doesn't quite fit in with the novel. You should indeed be focusing on your main character, and how she relates to this new 'master'. And once again I am led to believe this creature is the house itself. Seriously. How and why did Hugo simply walk in, not knowing whether the house was abandoned or not, or anything? Or maybe he knows and you're just not telling us. This would be about the time readers should know, wouldn't you agree?
So now, Hugo returns with blood on his chest, and a lovely singer appears out of the blue. Why has he been wounded, and is it a flesh wound? I assume he is, otherwise he'd probably be bleeding from his mouth/not being able to talk or reason properly. And he evidently cares more about this singer than his own safety, as he's not doing anything about the wound which could get infected and all that nasty stuff. Or maybe the wound has healed and his clothes are simply stained with blood and he hasn't changed his jacket yet.
So apparently there's been another timeskip between this chapter and the other, because in the first, you clearly state that was the first time she'd seen the world, and I don't recall any description of horny young men. Also, I'm pretty sure it should be 'even by human standards' and not how it is at the moment. Furthermore the y of 'yet' shouldn't be capitalized.
Here a comma is incorrect, rather a full-stop with subsequent capitalization, as the comma followed by speaking verb is only used with, well, speaking verbs. In this circumstance 'state' doesn't quite qualify as one. I'm not a linguist, nor do I remember all the caveats of the english grammar, so I'm afraid you'll have to rely on my word and potentially any novel you come across with a similar sentence construction. Furthermore, in sentences where the use of commas is correct, it's actually not because the comma goes inside the speech mark. Let me exemplify:
"[dialogue]," she said, gently ;
"[dialogue]." She stated the obvious ;
your character said this "[dialogue]", and also (...) ;
Is it slightly clearer now?
Overall
Again this was good, but I do stress the use of backstory, under the form of direct dialogue or flashbacks, and don't be shy with the use of description. It's rather useful, you know.
Hope this helped
~Ita
Hahah omg hahah lol. Ok. I can't believe I didn't notice that.
*gets serious*
I value the people who give me critiques as well :p
Yessss I could use a bit more explanation on how he got shot. Will do.
Well, in the first chapter, her first few paragraphs or so are about how she first saw the world. It is then said that there passed years in which she was alone and observed the world outside, and that people visited now and then. She never interacted with them, but she saw them coming, so there could be some horny young men over the years..
Ooooh grammar! Thanks. I'm trying to get used to writing that way.. See, here the rules a slightly different, and we write the way, well, I write. :p
Thanks again, and now you pointed it out... I indeed do use less description here than I normally do, huh.
Hey there!
Now this part is where it gets weird. Why are you talking about the woman visiting the characters master? I would have thought you would be talking more about the character rather than others. In this case the new characters introduced may play a role in the later chapters so there's nothing I can say. But still, I want to find out more about you, the one who is narrating it.
The story digresses from it's original storyline here, you've been talking about the character and the master, but now you have the dialogue here and there's this thing about a fight. Try to stay within the original topic. The flow and style of writing I've been seeing in the earlier chapters is also somehow changed. Maybe it's because there's more dialogue here, but still do go back to the narration, because in this case, that's what keeps the story going.
There's this talk about the creator, and it leaves me wondering who it exactly is, and if the readers will see him/her again anytime soon. I do hope there's some form of link between each of your characters. And as always, I'm very curious as to what the "I" really is. Do let out some hints along the way or the reader will get a little annoyed at not knowing anything about the main character.
Hope my review helped!
Hey hey ^^
And I doubt that she will ever see him again, hah
Oh, yes. This part is definitely not written in the same style, I wasn't even sure whether to post it before changing something. Something felt off even while I was writing it, and now that I have confirmation that it wasn't just my feeling, I will surely see to edit it ^^
Well, as you know, soon enough it gets revealed who the character and creator are
Thanks for the review ~