(This is only the beginning. I haven't finished this one yet - working on it - but I wanted to hear the thoughts. It's imagined as a relatively short story, but I put it under Novel/Chapter category here, as my understanding of "short" tends to be a little off (first book of my series is over 500 pages long). This is actually sort of an intro to my series, so don't be too surprised if some things stay unsaid even when it ends. The Whisperer is, in a way, a very important character in the series. A rather unusual one, too, but I won't spoil it for you. As always, please note that English is not my 1st language, and remember I value every comment and every critique. Thank you.)
*
The first time I saw the world, it was night. Dark and silent, and I couldn't quite tell how I knew the shiny dots on that velvet surface were called stars. It was one of those nights people may call scary, when the moon was full, surrounded by his little silver lovers, overviewing the town and its sleeping protegees, the wind was cold and the sea was strangely calm.
It was night when I first saw the world... And it was night when I was left alone.
My creator left me in a hurry, acting as if he hoped I won't even notice, but it was stupid to think so. I could see it all - he'd made me that way. I knew he was afraid, though I would never hurt him, and I knew he wanted to run away as far as possible; though I knew I was his most admirable creation.
He made me the way I was, the way I am. He talked to me and cared for me, he watched over my gardens and smiled every time he got home, and he taught me to talk back. He taught me to write letters, letters of blue fire that only he could ever read, instructed me how to follow his wishes and told me he was proud of me.
But then he left.
Just did, without a word, without an explanation. I waited for him for a long time... I was alone and empty, longing for another touch or another word, silent and observing as the moon changed phases and the people changed fashion... Now and then, a man or a couple would come to my door, observe the thorny branches in my gardens and the spider webs in every corner, and then they would leave too, barely ever talking about me. And I stayed silent, as someone who has already learnt the lesson, never saying or showing a word to them, never letting them know I felt their touches or heard their thoughts.
*
It was cold, breaking dawn, and my windows were covered in flowers of ice and snow, when he came. At first, he was no different than any of the others - his dark hair and eyes that seemed to hold the whole world reminded me a bit of my first master, but I knew it has passed too long. This man was young, still a pale boy with first traces of beard and glasses over his pointy nose, shaking in his long coat as he closed the property's doors behind him, and though he looked at me in a way no other visitor has in years, I knew it would be a bad idea to tell him that I noticed.
He opened the door and silently sighed with relief as he found himself away from the cold at last. Not a word came down from his mouth as he checked all the rooms, finally choosing the library to stay in, and I watched as he slowly started cleaning the dust from the shelves, giving up from the fire as he failed to start it. I could have done it for him, and I felt sorry watching him fight the cold and loneliness as he tried to find a comfortable position to sleep in an armchair, but I didn't dare to make a move. He couldn't have known about me, and after all the years of solitude I was happy someone came to stay the night.
The man stayed for the next day, and the day after, and the day after, and I decided to think of him as of my new master. One by one, he cleaned all the rooms I let him enter, swept away the dust and opened the windows he could - climbing roses were stubborn - letting fresh, cold air run through the hallways.
*
End of chapter
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140,932 Literary Works • 673,754 Reviews
QuietQuilla desu!
Whoa, this is so good I'm miss typing every word i retype!
As soon as I started reading the story pulled me in, I had no choice afterword about reading the chapter because I couldn't stop!
I like the fact that you sort of in a way made us read on, otherwise we'd just be irritated that we left off in the unknown ( which you did anyway ).
The detail was magnificent. Point blank.
And I hope you have as good a surprise of the main character as the detail.
Keep it up! ^_^
So, I didn't mean to actually read this, but as soon as I started I couldn't stop. And that is definitely a compliment!
Maybe you've edited this since the last comment (I realize that this was posted a long time ago, and I'm sorry for going back to old works, since usually by this time they've either been worked on or left behind.)
I feel like I owe you an explanation. See, I have characters called Whisperers in my novel, and so when I saw this I just had to read and find out, right? And then I had to read the whole thing. And I feel terrible just reading and not leaving a review.
So, if this has been put away, and you don't want to work on it anymore, I am very sorry. But maybe at the very least this can help with some future works.
I like the vagueness of the piece. I like that you don't explain right away, because that gives the reader a reason to keep reading. I like how in such a short piece you give a very detailed description of the character, though without even describing. I mean, you never say that the character is afraid or shy or whatever, but I got that by the way he/she doesn't want to show himself to the new arrival.
I think that's my favorite part of this, the way you talk without just saying. You know?
You have a few awkward sentences, ones that aren't necessarily fragment, but they're a little too long and too complex. People tell me all the time that as a writer you need to assume that the reader is stupid. I feel like you don't have that very much in this piece. I couldn't figure things out very well, and there was almost not enough information.
I don't know if the character is in trouble or not. There was no obvious problem. And that is what I need in order to want to keep reading: a problem.
Again, sorry for going back to an old piece, but I hope this can be helpful anyway.
Keep writing!
Okay, your unfamiliarity is showing through in this badly.
Your grammar needs a deal of work, and it's rather hard to understand what's going on.
You know, there is a point in a story where you need to cut down on the amount of detail, and there's also a point were you need more.
I have no idea what 'she' is, no name, no looks, no nothing.
She can talk, write some weird kind of writing, and she has some kind of control over a house that people visit a lot . . .? Is that it!?
I hope not.
You have a lot of periods, but you don't have enough paragraphs.
When you cram periods together you get one thing. A mess.
And messes, sadly, don't work in any way.
You have to try to clean that out a bit and make more paragraphs.
You have a sad number of grammar mistakes, I'm afraid to say (Good work though seeing as it's not your first language). I'd advise you to ask someone who speaks and writes English a bit more fluently to review this and edit it for you.
Just a thought though.
I'd point out all of your grammar mistakes for you, but that would take a while (And I can only get so many points from a review).
I feel like there should be more detail in here.
A lot more.
The biggest problem is that I have no idea who 'she' is. And that simply doesn't work.
You need to do something about that.
Okay, I think my point has been made.
I feel like this is original though, and that's a nice thing.
Rare these days for some reason.
Good work, keep writing!
Well, you see, not knowing who/what "she" is at the very beginning.. That's kind of the point. So you made me happy by telling me of that, even though it didn't make you happy
As for the grammar, yes, I already said somewhere that I didn't bother editing it *shrugs*
I am not unfamiliar with English, though, far from that - but I won't go there, since, you're right, this is not a piece that supports that claim.
Thanks for the review, and while at it, would you mind doing one or two more? I can link them to you, so you don't waste your time on stuff that are not all that important to me ^^
Hey sis! Ita here to review.
Now of course, like everything you write, this intrigues me. It's an interesting concept, however, I feel it's a tad vague.
But are these parts in chronological order, or are they random excerpts to get readers hooked? Because if this is the order the novel follows, it doesn't quite cut it. It lacks description, firstly, to which I'll get back on, and furthermore, it doesn't really give us reason to care about the character -- well, now s/he has made me very curious indeed, but that's about it.
Review dayCuriosity is what will make me read the next chapters, but curiosity alone won't really do it all, you know.Back to the description.
That first chapter. Lovely. I dig how the character describes the night sky, however, especially since s/he has never seen the world before, I feel s/he would be far more enthralled by the town. A couple of descriptive lines don't quite cut it. Is it cold? Has she ever felt cold? Does the moonlight reflecting over
broken glassthe sea evoke any thoughts or feelings? Is s/he reminded of anything?But most importantly, why and how has she never seen the world? Where does she come from? Who is she. This is all very important, you know. Backstory is lovely, especially when given out in little dosage at a time, however, there really is very little to go on here.
So s/he's some kind of automaton or simulacrum? Does she not have emotions and such, then? Why was the master afraid? Of her, yes, but why? All this is very tantalizing, but important. It might be revealed later on however some explanation... perhaps flashbacks. Flashbacks are your friend here.
So basically this here is a flashback? It was a little unclear. Because you know, it's not very long and I like my flashbacks written in italics ^^' either way, this could be worked on or clarified. Now, as for the 'it has passed', either I'm missing something, my english fails, or that's not correct tense usage. I don't quite get what she's trying to say. Has too much time passed before her last master was here, so she thinks this one looks a bit like the former in memory? And why can a person simply walk into her home (I assume it's a Victorian-ish old mansion
Okay now I feel that this character is an ethereal presence that's permeating the house. Perhaps the house itself? Which I doubt strongly, but hey. From where does she see the 'master', and why has she not announced herself?
Overall
This was quite enjoyable, but a bit skeletal and vague in places. Work on your backstory and description, especially.
Hope this helped
~Ita
Oh, hi ^^
Yes, it is in chronological order.
I couldn't quite describe the feelings she doesn't have, see. She's not human, doesn't have the backstory before this, and, well, she couldn't be reminded of anything by the sky/ocean/streets/whatever then (as she, you know, didn't exist before that)
The thing is, as I actually said to Stella down there, I was experimenting a little, wondering for how long will I be able to keep the readers not knowing who/what Whisperer really is. If I added the explanations now.. I don't know, it wouldn't be as interesting to me xD Also, she takes what she is and why her master was afraid, for granted. She doesn't know that we don't know ^^
Thanks for the review! You certainly pointed so some stuff I need to work on in the later parts of this :3
Hey there!
First of all I like the way you write here! It's full of imagery and the flow is smooth! It's a great piece to read!
The "..." here kind of spoil how good the flow was, maybe use a hyphen - instead. Or even make it a sentence of it's own to give that impact.
I think the tense here is a little weird. Using "won't" here sounds awkward and the flow is spoiled here again. I was thinking that "wouldn't" would be a better fit for this.
Overall I'm reading this and I'm left wondering, who or what exactly is the character? It doesn't seem like a kid, or a human, maybe an animal? However it's that that makes me want to read on to find out more. I also noticed you used quite a bit of "...", it somehow spoils the flow of the story. Substitute those with either a comma, hyphen or even a full stop.
So far you have me hooked, I like your way of writing and I'm looking forward to reading the other chapters!
Hope my review helped!
Hi, Lycando!
Thanks for the review
Oh.. I didn't even notice all the "..." I will see to change that!
Hey! Before I start reviewing I just want to say if you hadn't told me English wasn't your first language I would've never guessed. Your skill is amazing!
Now for the review.
I honestly got shivers when I read that part. Amazing description and use of words. Most writers describe the stars as diamonds or something of that nature, but you really broke past the common and the ordinary on this.
This made me shiver as well, such style! Such origniality!
This sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe if you re-worded it like this.
or
Or you can change it according you think is best.
In here "stupid" is strong and breaks the flow of the rest of your writing. Try "foolish" or "thoughtless" they will help your flow of writing better.
In your story I like your narrator's voice she is thoughful and something makes me attracted to her. But to lessen some confusion I would like to ask a couple questions?
Who and what is she exactly? She doesn't seem human, but we can't really tell what kind of being she is. She talks about her gardens, is she a nature spirit perhaps? How, if she lives there do the rooms go to waste?
The 2nd master, does he notice her? If he does why doesn't he interact with her?
These are things that you might want to clarify if not in this chapter in another one so readers can understand your plot better.
Keep up the amazing work and keep me posted! Feel free to ask if you want reviews on other things.
~Stella
Hey, thank you for the review!
And thank you very much for the compliments :3
Yes, I could change that sentence.. The point is that it was night when she was left alone, just as it was night when she first saw the world.
Yesss a synonym for "stupid". I thought it doesn't quite fit. Didn't think of changing the word, though xD
Ohh the questions! You're thinking pretty much the way I imagined the readers will think when they only start reading this, and that makes me happy
She is not human, but if I'd tell you more, it would be spoiling. The 2nd master does notice her, but doesn't know that she's, eh, "alive". They will, however, interact. I actually made it kind of blurry on purpose.. It's a little experiment, sort of speak, I wondered for how long I can keep it unknown to readers x)
I would be happy to have you review my other things too, if you feel up to it! There are two more parts of this, and I like what I did with Reminiscence too.. Apprentice's Tale I find fine too. Soul's Choice not so much, but you can take your pick (or do all, mwahahah)
Thanks again
~Stella
Sorry, that's a typo.
Very interesting story concept. I was truly enthralled and I wanted to keep reading. However, I did find it a bit confusing. Perhaps if you elaborated on what they the narrator actually was more, the story would flow better and cause less confusion. I am very curious to find out what happens next. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Hey, thanks ^^
Actually, I'm glad it's confusing, I kind of didn't want to break the news of who/what the narrator is at first :3 It gets obvious enough soon, I think, but there will be a part in which it will actually be said.
Will let you know if/when I post the next part ^^
I really like it! It's full of detail and it really sounds good, especially for English not being your first language
I think the only thing I would say about it is from a grammatical point of view.
Just watch some punctuation.
There are some sentences where they could be broken up into more than one to give it a more consistent tone throughout because it seems like you are talking in more short than long sentences. That gives it a cool tone, in my opinion.
But other than that, it is great for a coming-along story!
Can't wait to hear more
Thank you :3
I'll work on the grammar stuff, I know I need too ^^
I just noticed a lot of "..." throughout. But your grammar is awesome for English not being your first language. I'm really impressed. Your grammar is actually better than half the students at my school