(I haven't finished this one yet - working on it - but I wanted to hear the thoughts. It's imagined as a relatively short story, but I put it under Novel/Chapter category here, as my understanding of "short" tends to be a little off (first book of my series is over 500 pages long). This is actually sort of an intro to my series, so don't be too surprised if some things stay unsaid even when it ends. The Whisperer is, in a way, a very important character in the series. A rather unusual one, too, but I won't spoil it for you. As always, please note that English is not my 1st language, and remember I value every comment and every critic. Also, it would be very sweet lf you to read the part one and two as well :3 And you will understand it better then, haha.. Thank you.)
*
She left him with those words, so fast he didn't even catch time to see her out, and Hugo sighed as he stayed alone.
Getting up, he locked the door and stood in front of the hallway mirror, frowning at himself. Then he raised his hand and ran the tips of his fingers over the crimson line on his chest - and the moment later, as he turned his back to the mirror, it was gone.
*
It was the first time I saw him doing anything like that, and he reminded me again of my creator. He could do it too, heal himself and a lot of other things, but I never considered it to be strange - not until now, as I realised it's not so quiet anymore. I could hear music now - soft notes surrounding my master, silent voices and echoes of memories - as if suddenly the invisible walls have fallen, leaving him as visible to my eyes as any unsuspecting person would be.
He leaned against the wall, seeming more tired than ever, and I realized after a while. It wasn't true that he was just an heir or a regular man who happened to come to me - if he was my creator's offspring, he inherited something more than a name, and from that moment I was sure no other man could make a better new master.
Carefully, wondering how he'll react and with fear of being left alone again, I let a word of blue flame to shine on the wall he was staring at. It stayed there for a second, if even so, but it sure caught his attention: I could see it in his eyes, as he approached the wall and slowly raised his hand, that he noticed I've just said hello. He touched the wall, and I knew he felt it the same way I did - as a thin river of sparks flowing over his fingertips, and the warm under his touch that had nothing to do with the fire suddenly starting in the fireplace.
"No way", he muttered. "Is this what they meant when they said the house was different than any other?" His voice lowered, as if he was afraid of someone listening. "Can you hear me?"
I didn't know what he may do if I speak to him again. But his hand was still there, his music didn't change and he didn't even blink at the sight of fire starting itself. So I wrote another word.
Yes.
He took a step back, staring at the letters on the wall. This time I didn't make them disappear, letting him look at them and waiting for him to reconcile with the situation. He didn't run away, not even after a couple of minutes, and he didn't do anithing against me. He just stood there, silent and with his dark green eyes widened, and then he smiled.
My new master, young magician and the heir of the deMarkis', didn't leave me the way my creator did. He stayed for days, for months, years after. He would sit in his armchair, in front of the fire, and talk to me for hours. Sometimes, when he'd be worried or silent, I would come to talk to him. I told him of his ancestors, of the time I spent alone, of people I met and who never knew I was observing. He listened as I made him forget the worries and sadness, and took him to the world of the past, asking me questions and telling me his own versions, adding to the characters as if we were making up a novel. I have never before encountered a man with imagination such as his: when he'd talk, even for me it was easy to see the places and people he described, and the music surrounding him would become different. It would seem filled with something I couldn't quite tell what is, and I was very sad that he couldn't hear it himself.
It was the second year of his life with me, when my young master fell in love. Or perhaps he's fallen in love a long time ago, caught in a web he couldn't set himself free from, I couldn't tell, but he changed.
The woman I have met, Rubina, didn't come for a long time after that first visit. I could see how my master desires to see her, I could see it in his eyes whenever I'd mention her and in the tone of his voice when he'd speak her name. I knew nothing of love - but I watched him going quieter every day, talking about how much he wants to see her, talk to her, hear her talk to him.. And I wanted it to stop.
I wanted him to listen to my stories, because I was there. I wanted him to talk to me the way he talked to her, like a young man instead of a serious magician, and to stop thinking about her so much. She wasn't there, she never was, she didn't listen to his stories or seen him sad, she didn't know of what he could do and she couldn't hear the music. His music, the one not even he knew about, that changed every time he'd think about her.
Yet I knew my place. He was my owner and my master, he was the one I could show all my rooms and my words of blue fire, and the one with whom I shared thoughts. Mine was to protect him, as that was the only thing I was really good at, to teach him how to command me and to follow his wishes. I could never do much by myself - I couldn't even move from my street, my Alley of Shadows.
*
House
Okay this was even better than any of your previous chapters. By a good bit.
Your grammar is much better, and your style is more . . . real.
I also now know a bit about 'her' though a name and a bit more of her thoughts would really help me get to really know her.
But this was great.
Now, as a step of advise. I'd advise you to take this chapter and turn it all around, instead of leading the reader through the story from her creation to now, I'd advise you to make it so 'she' is looking back in time and remembering it all, it would sound better, and read better.
Also, at present the story really feels slow, it feels like nothing is happening . . . and that doesn't really work, because it needs things to happen.
That's why I'd advise you to make it so she's looking back in time.
If you see what I mean. Sorry, I don't think I imparted my point very well, but I hope it came across.
Um, you don't have much dialogue in here, but the little you have is too little to tell the truth. I want to hear a conversation between the two of them. I want to get to know them as people/whatevers.
You don't necessarily have to change your tense to past tense to solve your problem of bad speed, you could add a bit more information to the story though.
To me, adding information would be ideal, instead of just changing tense.
Why don't you try to cut down on your chapter size a bit more too maybe?
I'm thinking it could use it. If you did, it would make a better read.
Either you're getting an editor, or your English is better, either way, I really enjoyed the grammar improvement.
Good work overall, I get the feeling 'she' is some kind of ghost?
I like that.
Maybe not totally original, but interesting anyway.
Great work.
And keep writing.
Hi there again.
AHA. I knew it. The character is the house. I'm such a genius, ahaha. This actually explains why the description is lacking. The house doesn't describe itself, now does it?
However, this brings in a whole new sluice of interesting dilemmas. How was the house animated? How has it gained that rational spark? And why does it speak of a single creator? Dozens of people work to construct a house, especially large ones such as what this appears to be. And why has it only gotten a single glimpse of the outside world before? If it sees out of its windows, then surely it's seen much beforehand.
Now, having the house as a narrator doesn't quite work, as this evidently isn't a very brief, humorous fable with an aesop behind it. I'd suggest completely switching the POV do the magician, Hugo. Makes far more sense like that and makes for a much more intriguing and surprising reveal, having a human with human thoughts and emotions discover his house is very much alive. Would you not agree?
Either way, yeah. At this point I don't see how you can keep the narration up with the main character a house, this lacks emotions. It's almost flat, dead. But on the whole, it was a quite interesting read. Keep it up.
Hope this helped
~Ita
Hey again ^^
Granted, you're the only one so far who figured it rather quickly
Oh, it speaks of the "creator" because he made her see, "taught" her to speak with her written words and all that. The others built it. But she was already standing when the "creator" did whatever he did, so she doesn't remember the men who made her.
She got more than a single glimpse.. But as I said, I do lack descriptions in this piece in compare to my others. That will be changed.
I.. Actually wouldn't agree. There's a whole, very long novel (and a couple more to come), in which Whisperer is a side character and the story is told from the owner's (or close enough) POV. A lot of people discover that she is very much alive, and they react in different ways.
I didn't want to make that a case here too, I only made this story because I figured she deserves more attention as a, eh, person.
But the fact is, the story that's really important here is that of Hugo and Rubina and others that are yet to come. So she'll be focusing on that, mostly. I think.
Thank youuu :3
Hey there!
My oh my...this is indeed interesting. You're a house! I can't say how interesting this is turning out to be. I can now understand the previous chapters much clearly!
Alright so I see as the house you see many people come in and out. But some people are more unique than others. In this case there was this magician who was currently the owner of the house. And I like that this house was able to communicate with him, even though it was just a house. It feels like a living being with emotions. It's an extremely interesting idea and I can't wait to see how you develop it!
The idea that the house can talk and understand humans is indeed unique, maybe in the future you could further develop on that to make it something more? It seems that the house is telling the stories of everyone that had stayed there. And the creator now that I understand this story, was the builder.
This kind of story is hard to develop, mainly because you're writing from a totally different perspective than normal, but you did an awesome job with it! I really like the last sentence especially.
This is a real good cliffhanger. But then I'm left wondering how you're going to have the conflict here. Are you going to talk about the owners of the house and their lives or are you going to focus more on the house and the secrets of it? Which direction you go towards will determine how good the story can be and how unique it is to the reader.
Hope my review helped!
Hello to you again!
Thank you, I'm glad I made you interested
What will be happening here, will be a sort of explanation, deeper view at the events that will (have been) mentioned in the first of my novel series. This is not a prequel, and will not be so long, but rather a standalone story that introduces the readers to what the whole thing is actually about. I took Whisperer as the narrator because, well, I'm quite fond of her (she's kind of a side character in some of the novels)
Thanks for the review!