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Same note once again: This was actually my first, this year's NaNo novel. Due to some personal stuff, it kind of sucks in compare to what it should have been, but here it goes anyway. Hope you'll like it, though. And I'll appreciate the feedback.. As always, note that English is not my first language, and also that I'm posting this at 5:45 am. So please be considerate about the errors, I did try to check everything. And I know my tenses suck, i shall fix that. Once. This is a part of the first chapter, btw, in case it makes a difference, but whatever. This is a direct follow-up, and could have been the same part, but it would be very very long, and I'm not sure if i really need this bit at all, so i decided to separate it. Now I'll stop delaying, and here it goes.)
Kid
Doing his best to suppress the dark thoughts, he pulled the door of their home and entered, finding all three of other residents gathered in the living room. Pandora was kneeling down next to Lucas's scythe, carefully inspecting the dark fluid with her thin fingers. She was a reaperess - female reaper – of high rank, but rather than in collecting or handling souls of the dead, shespecialized to take care of young reapers, teaching them and tracking their progress, keeping in touch with The Reapers. Soul knew her for some more time than Reo and Lucas, as she used to babysit him while he still lived with his father, but she never acted like she cared less about the other two boys.
"Hi, Pandora."
She looked up just for a moment, returning to Lucas's scythe with a deep sigh.
"Hi, Soul. This is a really ugly cut she got here, Lucas. When you saw that gang of demons you mentioned, why didn't you leave the place?"
Lucas, walking around the room like crazy, didn't even stop for a moment, just shook his head. Observing him from his spot on the bigger of the two couches in the room, Reo frowned and answered instead of him.
"They looked like rookies too. Like, they were all pretty little and all, and how the hack they even broke a scythe, is that even possible?"
"If it was one demon after the soul you were to collect, and if he looked inexperienced enough, you could have had an excuse for being reckless. You could also, in that case, have expected to make it out alive and well. But you said it was a gang – which means more than one – and you knew it was dangerous. And it's damn obvious they can break a scythe."
"Well you said yourself that The Reapers can take demons anytime, no matter if they are outnumbered. And I – I mean, we – for sure want to be more than just newbies, that's pretty damn obvious too!"
"Who do you kiss with those mouth? Being one of The Reapers means so much more than just getting into needless fights."
"I know", Reo sighed, running his fingers over his eyebrows. He smiled a second later. "But for you to know, I do kiss more than I'm telling you."
"Without a doubt", Pandora rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Lucas's scythe. "I will take her to guys in the labs, maybe they can help. You shouldn't take her as granted. Has neither of your conversations with lord Soul taught you anything?We are not to treat our scythes just as weapons... Soul, you know what I mean, say something."
Soul shrugged his shoulders, curled in the armchair next to the fireplace. To be honest, he couldn't really say he's been listening to the whole conversation, lost in his own thoughts and concentrated on how light of the fire reflects on silver blade of Lucas's scythe. His own stood safely next to the armchair, and he could practically feel it there – waiting and protecting, as always.
"Thanks for backing me up, Kid."
He frowned, glancing at Pandora.
"Remembering what lord Soul said would make sense if he'd actually ever been here to tell us something and answer our questions. It's not like we can pay attention to any random words he says."
"Soul..."
He frowned, jumped from his chair, grabbed his scythe and headed to his room, not giving another look to Pandora and the others, though he knew they were all looking at him.
Alone in his darkened room, leaving his scythe in her specially made closet and pulling black robe over his head, Soul felt unusually tired. Waiting in the cold, the accident with Lucas's scythe, meeting his father and inviting him to Pandora's party and in the end letting his feeling break free like that – it makes a young grim reaper want to sleep. A lot.
Not even bothering to change to his pajamas, Soul crushed to his bed, his face into his pillow, not moving till he had to take abreath again. Turning to his scythe, he suddenly didn't feel tired at all.
"Why doesn't he ever want to tell me about my mom?", he whispered, wondering what his friends would say if they knew he was talking to his weapon. Well, he thought, punching his pillow to change its shape, they would laugh. Or change topic to something else, like always. "I wish you could answer me sometimes. To tell me what to do. Do you think things would be different if mom was here?" He sighed. "Me neither. My dad is never going to change."
*****
Heya AriaAdams
I read chapter on so I could understand what would be happening in this chapter more. And I won't comment on grammar since I can see LouisCypher already did that. I'll focus more on the story.
From this I get to understand Soul's character a bit more, how he is valued in his room by Pandora, and how sensitive he is when people talk about his dad. But I think all of this needs to be stressed. I feel like I'm being told the story and what's happening more than experiencing. Descirbe Soul's feelings through the conversation with his friends and Pandora. Describe his thoughts and little actions that shows he's agitated already.
At the beginning you give us a lot of information on Pandora's background. That's alright. But it would be nice if you reflected that information into her actions. It comes across to me as if she is the motherly figure, and feels like the boys are her sons. How can you show that to the reader without telling them? Maybe Pandora gives the hugs, warm welcomes or has food ready for them? You need to tell us things less and show them to us more.
The whole story is developing more which is good, and I hope the next chapter has a bit more action in it as I think the introductionary bit seems mostly complete. If you add more discription in there or feelings and thoughts it would be nice. And make the characters act like their personalities so you can cut down on the amount of information you need to give us.
Show the story and it'll be great
Deanie x
Alright, hey again Aria, Louis here to review your second chapter.
Well, this'll be a fairly tiny review, because I can't seem to say a lot about it, apart from the grammar (I'll still be pointing out some of the mistakes, so that they can be avoided eventually).
Apart from the grammar, though, this piece lacked description, even the slightest, and I don't get the feeling you're trying to be minimal. The house, the room, Pandora, anything really. Reading the note above, I realized this was part of the first chapter and not a chapter in of itself, which is why it's so short. I'd recommend taking some of the important bits, say, the meeting with Pandora and him falling to sleep, and adding it to the first chapter. If not, bulking this one out.
And now, some of the grammatical nit-picks.
His dark thoughts, not the. They're his thoughts, after all. And what other residents? I assume Reo and Lucas. Why do they live together? Are they related? Does Pandora train multiple Reapers in one place at the same time?
That mouth, singular. And even then, not sure what you mean. Is it an analogy, is she calling him a kiss-up? I realize English isn't your first language, so this is understandable.
It took me a few seconds to realize he was talking to himself, but then I was like 'oooh! It totally makes sense now'. Remember, when it's speech, if it's an exclamation or question mark followed by 'he said' or the like, the 'he' needn't be capitalized (eg after '(...) if mom was here?" He sighed'). You may want to use italics for all his thoughts, and switch from them when he's speaking out loud.
Well, that's about it! Once again this was fairly well-written, all considered, but you really should work on your description, or rather, lack of it, ahaha
Hope this helped
~Ita