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Same note once again: This was actually my first, this year's NaNo novel. Due to some personal stuff, it kind of sucks in compare to what it should have been, but here it goes anyway. Hope you'll like it, though. And I'll appreciate the feedback.. As always, note that English is not my first language, and also that I'm posting this at 6:18 am. So please be considerate about the errors, I did try to check everything. And I know my tenses suck, i shall fix that. Once. This is a part of the first chapter, btw, in case it makes a difference, but whatever. I would very much appreciate if someone would read everythifrom post from this novel, as there will appear other POVs later.. Now I'll stop delaying, and here it goes.)
Lord Soul
Lord Soul smiled, playing with a black-and-white poker chip in his hand. It was rather small, round and with a skull-shaped holein the middle, and no one could say it was any more worthy than either of the chips from piles on the table. Yet for him, it was the most important thing, except for his scythe, he possessed – and bragged about whenever given a chance – the very chip he'dwon when playing with The Master himself, many years ago, back when he was the only member of what now is a team of five.
The Reaper with his head entirely shaved gave him his I'm-folding-again look, and lord Soul performed a little bow, collecting the chips.
"And so he wins again, may I be damned", muttered the oldest of them, with gray mustaches covering most of his face. Secretly, lord Soul wondered if he uses some kind of selective invisibility to cover that area while harvesting during the Surface days andnights.
"If you were damned for every one of my winnings, you'd be long gone in good old Hell by now."
"Your ego should have its own title", the fourth player noticed, looking up from his cards. He was the youngest, with small squared glasses and spiky blonde hair. If there wasn't for two circles of different colors in his irises, his pale tan and long darkred scythe next to his chair, he could have almost been replaced for a student at some prestigious college on the Surface.
"The Duke of Invincibility expresses his gratitude, common peasant."
"Reading the history novels again?"
The fifth member of The Death Palace household and poker club was also the only woman in the group of The Reapers, exactly aged as Nicholas Soul and always a bit disappointed to be the second given the greatest of honors in the Underworld. She never really played much, acting more like a replacement than a real gambler, spending as much time as she could with her husband and teenage twins, but she never missed the opportunity to join her friends and colleagues either. No one would ever let her know they think so, but everyone was wondering where she gets her energy from – with a dangerous and often exhausting job, family and a bunch of rather lazy fellow Reapers, she also somehow managed to take long walks and talk to every young reaper she'd meet on her way. Her days, a lot of them couldn't help thinking, must have been lasting a few hours longer than theirs.
"They are not quite history novels, but yes. You have a problem with that, talk to the Duke", lord Soul grinned.
"Why, that's just hilarious. If you're this funny with your son, no wonder he never comes here."
Her words erased every trace of smile from lord Soul's face, and the black-and-white chip disappeared in his pocket as he got up.
"How funny I am with Kid, is none of your concern, Agatha. He doesn't come here because he doesn't like to. And because he doesn't live here."
"I have kids too, Nicholas. How comes I have no problem with spending time with my girls?"
"Whenever, during your trainings and now that you have your job, you needed to leave them, they had another parent to stay with. I can't live with Kid – you know that. I can't do night shifts with him staying at home, because I know he wouldn't sleep when he'd know what I do. You should shut up about me and my family, as I am taking your missions to spare you the same problems with yours." He shut up, realizing how much he's said. Fixing his glance on hers – looking down to meet her eyes like he had to do with most of the people – he carefully took care of making his expression blank. What is happening with you, he asked himself, sitting back when Agatha finally broke their eye-contact. Ever since you met Kid on the street, ever since that mission that night, you feel like you're loosing it.
"Not that I want to make you snap again, but you don't normally act like this", she murmured, placing four glasses of wine on the table. "Something happened? Is Kid okay?"
"Sure Kid's okay. We met the other day. He invited me to some party."
Now that's just rude, his subconscious warned him, you know exactly what kind of party it is – you also know how much he wants you to come, and that's exactly why you're not going to come. As always, that makes perfect sense. "You'll excuse me, my lady and gentlemen, as I have some... business... to attend."
Followed by their surprised looks, lord Soul left the room, leaving the chips on the table. They never really played for anything but favors – the one who wins could ask the others to do pretty much anything for him – and they always used the same pile ofchips for the purpose. Playing with his own lucky chip in his pocket, lord Soul tried more than once to count how much favors he could already ask from them – but in the end, The Reapers are worthy of the title for being the way they are, and they all knew they were always there for each other, regardless the winning and loosing in their games.
Though he could have left for any of the tens of reasons why he would like to be alone, lord Soul indeed had business to attend – rather boring business, though, in his opinion.
Every now and then, it was a custom for reapers to take in apprentices – little boys and girls who for some reason came to the Underworld with a desire to become reapers or reaperesses – and to either teach them how to become one or to prove them there's no point for them even to keep trying. Nicholas Soul, to tell the truth, never before had an apprentice of his own, though he sometimes did take the duty of training Agatha's and other Reapers'. After those sessions, without an exception, young apprentice would fold and decide rather to find a job as something else, now he or she is stuck in the Underworld anyway.
But this time it was a personal favor, one that lord Soul couldn't turn down, so it had to be done. And after all, even if that new apprentice does prove to be something more on the first sight, he or she will fail sooner or later. Task he put in front of their apprentices were always harder than they really had to be – lord Soul was very aware of that, and in the back of his mind he couldn't help wondering whether his own son would fold out too, if he was the one to be the apprentice.
***
Hello again AriaAdams!
The next chapter! A new point of view! So far Lord Soul has been viewed really negatively, and you've maintained that type of character throughout this chapter as well. You've shown us how he reacts to others during the arguement with Agatha.
As Charlie mentioned, it is a bit too much information at once. We very quickly got the background information with Lord Soul and Agatha. It would be nice if we gave that a bit more time because it shows a lot about both characters. But I really liked how he is helping her by doing some of her missions for her, but how they still don't always get along. It shows me that Lord Soul isn't completely cruel, and his thoughts make it seem as if he has reasons for distancing himself from Kid. You've shown me that there is more to Lord Soul and now I'm really curious to read more.
I think you were more descriptive in this chapter and it really shows. I liked it
Deanie x
Hey AriaAdams!
I don't think you need to be self-conscious of your language skills, at all, though there's always room for improvement.
If, like you say, English isn't your first language then congratulations on writing a very impressive piece!
I think the main thing you can improve upon here can be summarised in one word: clarity. In a very short space of time/text you introduce a lot of characters and the setting and rules for a whole world. It's a difficult task, and something that a lot of writers find difficult to do. The reason is that readers take a little while to get used to things. So perhaps you can make it easier for them and not throw them into the deep end quite so early on?
I like the idea that there are lots of reapers -- the Grim Reaper image is so iconic, but you've taken a fresh look at it by turning it into a profession rather than a role that is filled by only one "spirit". Have you read The Book Thief by Markus Zusak? If you have a chance then you should -- it's another great reinterpretation of the Grim Reaper and it'd be fantastic for you to see what you can work towards. (Also you can see how that author tackled the difficulties of introducing the reader to a new world and lots of characters!)
Maybe you could tone down the number that are introduced at once? And those that are introduced could have a bit more of the spotlight in this chapter? Familiarity is key!
Also, back on language, you could see about making your descriptions and dialogue a bit clearer. I know that you're eager to show that you can write naturally and with different vocabulary and style in English, but you must be aware of the danger of rambling prose. Try to look over each paragraph in the piece and try to pin down (in just one sentence) what they're doing / explaining / describing. If you can't do that, then maybe there's a bit too much going on.
I hope that's helped! Let me know if you have any questions!
Hi, Charlie
I've heard of The Book Thief, though I haven't read it (yet). Surely I will, as it on my list for quite some time now
Thanks for the advices - I know I lack descriptions in this novel.. Reading it now, I can hardly believe it was actually written by me. Really, I've been told to put too much descriptions in the dialogues once, lol