(This was actually my first, this year's NaNo novel. Due to some personal stuff, it kind of sucks in compare to what it should have been, but here it goes anyway. Hope you'll like it, though. And I'll appreciate the feedback.. As always, note that English is not my first language, and also that I'm posting this at 5:45 am. So please be considerate about the errors, I did try to check everything. And I know my tenses suck, i shall fix that. Once. This is a part of the first chapter, btw, in case it makes a difference, but whatever. Now I'll stop delaying, and here it goes.
Kid
Mist was curling around his feet, cold and seeming almost silver against black fabric of his robe. He stood in silence, shivering in the winter night , waiting for them to come, silently grunting in low voice. How can those gloves seem so thick and yet be so thin? And, after all, shouldn't he be having some sort of resistance to cold, considering who – or what – he is?
"Oy!"
The call came first, followed by two figures in black. Their robes were pretty much the same as his, with hoods and always-too-long sleeves, and they were about the same height – both taller than him, though. But most people were taller than him.
"It was about time you two show up."
"Chill, Soul", one of them answered, blinding him with his enormous smile. "We had a situation."
"We'll collect the damn thing and meet you in moment", Soul quoted. "I did my part, Reo, and waited for over an hour. It got cold. So don't you chill me."
"It was my fault", the other one said, as Reo shrugged his shoulders. "You see, we ran into some gang of demons in the alley. They broke my scythe." His voice faded, and he sniffed, almost as if he's going to cry. He sighed, raising his weapon for Soul to see. The hand of his death scythe was cracked – long dark line spread over the surface of the wood, and from it leaked sticky fluid. Soul frowned, carefully touching it with his pale finger.
"Is that blood?"
"It can't be blood", Reo answered. "Lucas isn't hurt anywhere, and the scythe is just an object after all."
"Dad says it's more than that", Soul murmured, strengthening the hold on his own weapon. Reo and Lucas both rolled their eyes, but in this one he actually did agree with his father – after all, lord Soul was the grim reaper – and whenever he'd hold his scythe, he could almost feel the beating of another heart but his own. No reaper, no matter if he or she was old or young, ever was to leave their home in the Underworld without the scythe – his or her own, as no one could ever use the weapon of others.
"Your dad says a lot of stuff", Reo grinned, pulling him in one-arm hug and swinging his scythe rather blindly and cutting a leaf from some plant they passed by. "You won't grow up to be like that, right? I mean", he added quickly as Soul frowned again, "I love Nick Senior. He's awesome, he is... but a little weird he is, you gotta admit it."
"Don't call him Nick Senior. It's like when he calls me Kid – we equally hate it."
"Than why did he name you after himself?"
"He named me after someone he loves the best."
Reo and Lucas bursted out laughing, forgetting about the damaged scythe and the cold. As the youngest of the three, Soul was the last to enter the dark inside of a little tomb on the highest spot of the graveyard. Reo locked the door after him, lighted a candle and led the way down hundreds and hundreds of stairs.
On their way, stairs they were following merged with others, as other young reapers were joining them, discussing jobs they'd done that night.
"It was a really old lady", Soul overheard a girl talking to her friend, "but she had in her house all those pretty pictures of her kids, and it was so sad..."
He followed the other two, just partly listening to their argument, as Reo tried to convince Lucas his parents are the richest in the world. Soul usually rolled his eyes on those kinds of conversation, used to listen about things he either wouldn't understand or wouldn't care about. Yet, as Reo and Lucas more than once pointed out, it was easy for him. As only son of one of The Reapers, Nicholas Soul Junior did have some privileges – he could enter the palace where lord Soul and his companions spent their time, and he didn't really have to worry about eating, drinking or sleeping as much as the others did. It was one of the best consequences of being born as a reaper: he was used to the night life and soul catching from the very beginning, and he never had to experience those depressive moods of wondering what the others from his family might be doing now, and will he encounter someone on the city streets, who used to love him but now doesn't even recognize him. Looking at Reo and thinking of his own family, though, Soul saw his friend luckier than himself, and didn't really get why Reo even gets into arguments about anything. He was born human, yes, but together with his parents he became a reaper not so much longer after that, and ever since, they lived a wealthy, prosperous life in the safety of the Underworld. They didn't live together, all three of them, as Reo's parents had jobs that included more than just collecting souls of the dead, but every time they'd get a vacation, they'd come and pick up their son.
Compared to that, Soul had a rather lonely childhood, not even trying to attract his father's attention to himself anymore. He lived with Reo, Lucas and their caretaker Pandora since he's turned seven – two years now, that sometimes felt like centuries – and lord Soul only showed up three times. He did see him, from some distance like everyone else, while walking near The Death Palace, and sometimes when he'd stay up late, but he never contacted him in those times. Soul's father was so much stronger than anyone Soul knew. He could get outside of the Underworld during the day on the Surface, turn invisible and collect souls while there were people all around. He could go on the missions alone and would always come back with the same blank expression he left with, not letting anyone know how he feels. Soul Junior, on the other hand, couldn't stop his dark thoughts whenever someone would talk about families, wondering what really happened to his mother.
She's dead, Kid, his father told him some years ago, when he collected some courage to ask. That's all you should know, and I wouldn't like you to ask me more about she – I don't like bad memories either.
He did put it, as always, in the way that made Soul shut up. He wanted to know everything he could, from her name and appearance to the description of her scythe and the way she died, but Dad would never tell him more. No matter how sad Soul would get, no matter how young or old he was, and when he turned seven and left, he was sure that his father smiled with relief.
*
"Hey, Kid."
Soul's eyes almost popped out. How comes lord Soul so often shows up just when he thinks about him and decides he doesn'twant to see him? With the corner of his eye, behind the tall figure of his father, Soul noticed his friends entering their homeacross the street.
"Hi, Dad", he murmured, not sure is he angry or amused. Whatever Reo and Lucas said, Soul knew they're just as afraid of his father as almost everyone else.
"You look somewhat depressed. Did something happen?"
Soul shrugged, trying to notice where his father might be hiding his weapon.
"Lucas's scythe got damaged somehow. I don't know what it was about... where's yours?"
"Safe and visible to me, always close enough", lord Soul answered with a little smile. "You keep your one in good shape, I see.It grew."
"It grew? The scythe? Grew?"
"It grows as you do", his father explained. "You use the same one your whole life, Kid, that much you know. It can't stay the same size, it would get too small."
"Sure", Soul murmured again, feeling somewhat embarrassed. Why did his dad have to have an answer to everything? "So, where are you going? I don't see you all that often around here."
"Going up", his father replied, pointing his finger in the said direction. "I'm doing night shift this time, and The Master predicted a huge population of soon-to-be-dead travelers coming in a few hours, so..."
Soul nodded, avoiding eye contact. He would so much like to ask him, but if he does, Dad will just probably say no and he'd seem a weak child asking for attention. But on the other hand, they see each other now, after a lot of time, and who knows will they meet again in months...
"Dad?"
"I have to run, Kid.. what?"
"I just thought to myself something."
"Will you get to the point, or should I call in I have to miss my shift so they send someone else?"
Soul blinked.
"You can do that? Just say you'll skip a mission, without any paperwork?"
"Though I'd oh-so-very-much like to explain all the details to you right now..."
"Fine, I get it. I just wanted to know if you'll be coming tomorrow. To the... party for Pandora's... birthday?"
His voice got so silent at the end, while he nervously squeezed his scythe's hold, as his father frowned.
"I'm very busy every winter, Kid, you know that." He sighed. "I'll see what I can do, but I promise nothing, all right? I may stop by for a moment." He turned his back, glancing over his shoulder. "You can come anytime, you know? Love you, Kid."
He left, pulling the hood of his robe over dark curls of his hair, avoiding young reapers on their way in and leaving towards The City.
"Sure you do", Soul whispered, hating himself for being unable to keep the hope from his voice whenever he'd ask his father when they'll see each other again. He already knew lord Soul isn't coming to Pandora's party, though he was also sure Dad knows just how much it would mean to him.
He said Soul can come anytime, thinking of The Death Palace, but Soul also knew that The Reapers living there never liked visitors hanging around, especially not children. And even if he would come, he could easily imagine his father not being home or being too busy even to talk to him.
***
Hello.
I noticed parts two and three of this up for review and decided to review part one, first.
This actually isn't half bad for a NaNo novel. You've gotten some grammar help already, so I won't touch that. I will go into a few other things I noticed, that likely come from it being a NaNo.
First off, you give us rather long chunks of information at once. This tends to stop the story and give readers more information than they really need. Information is like vegetables— too much at once isn't very appetizing.
Instead, break the information up and mix it in with the prose. Give us little snippets here and there, and try not to give us information unless we absolutely need it. That way, you make sure not to overload us.
For an example, you don't really need to know a lot about Kid's family history right away. A line or two on how his dad's never around is enough. We don't really need to know about his mom right away. It's enough to know he's jealous.
However, after he asks his dad if he can come to the party, then you have a bit more room to fit in how he's feeling. That would also be a good place to mention his mom, because she won't be showing up, either.
The difference in placement is what we've been shown. The extra information about his parents wasn't brought up by Kid being jealous. It was good enough to find out how much he'd seen his dad and how often other kids saw their parents. That has more emotional punch. After we meet his dad and find out how strained the relationship is, then you can go into more depth about it and mention his mom. Make sense?
Second, you had a lot of dialogue exchange that was simply dialogue back and forth. I love tags— the "he said" or any action around the dialogue. Things that indicate tone of voice, subtext, that sort of thing.
Right now, you have a case of talking heads. You could richen the dialogue exchange quite a lot by adding in a few tags, to show tone of voice and body language. The latter of which is a fantastic way to show how people are feeling.
As for the dialogue itself, it could use a little polishing up. This article should help you out a bit. It's general things to keep in mind while writing dialogue (which is one of the hardest parts of writing).
Overall, this really wasn't too bad. You had a few tense and grammar issues which have already been pointed out, and the rest is just first draft stuff. I had a bit of a hard time relating to the character, but a lot of that came from the amount of information given all at once; it buried his voice and the other interactions.
The information also makes it feel like there isn't really anything going on in this segment. Something going on, and/or something wrong, is what keeps a reader going. By stripping out the information and adding a bit more conflict, this will go a lot farther.
Hope this helps! PM me if you need anything. ^^
~Rosey
You are crazy if you think this sucks. I mean it's definitely not perfect but to say it sucks is an exaggeration. I read all three parts of the book that you posted and liked them. the concept of young reapers is interesting, something that hasn't been done a million times. I look forward to reading more about the connection between the reapers scythe and the reaper.
Thank you :3
I worked a lot on that connection, hopefully I'll post those parts too, hah ^^
This is really great, Aria! You should really finish it and publish it as a novel.
Hey Aria!
~ This sounds really modern-ish. I'm not really sure what setting you're planning, yet, so I don't know if this is some modern-day...cloaked figures...reapers... maybe? Or if that's what you were going for.Shady here with your review!
I tend to give mostly grammatical-oriented reviews, so bear with me if I sound overly nitpicky.
I really like how you started it-- a bit ominious and very descriptive. I adore description.
~ 'Lord' is a title. He is Lord Soul, so capitalize.
~ you can nix this 'and' and replace it with a comma.
~ This is a strange way to phrase this. "But he is a little weird, you gotta admit," would sound a bit more natural? Unless you were specifically going for unnatural...I don't review reapers often... xD
~ Typo, the comma goes on the inside of the quotation marks.
~ Again, capitalize.
~ 'Consequences' tends to have negative implications tied to it, perhaps 'perks' or 'privileges'.
~ 'To himself' is implied, and therefore unneccessary, therefore you can simply nix that bit.
~ "He'd" not "He's", since it's past-tense.
~ Again, capitalize.
~ This should be past tense, 'felt'.
~ Her, not she.
~ This should be: "Why did Lord Soul..."
~ Two typos, you need spaces.
~ Minor tense errors: "Not sure if he was angry or amused. Whatever Reo and Lucas said, Soul knew that they were just as afraid..."
~ Your's, possessive.
~ Capitalize.
~ That makes it a bit more clear.
~ Lord Sould; 'wouldn't be going' or 'wouldn't go'; and 'knew'.
~ Sould could go, not 'can come'.
~ "And even if he would be willing to go"
~~~
Okay!
So I hope that wasn't overly critical! You really do have a good story here and I enjoyed it!
You just had some tense-errors, but that's totally common. I've given longer reviews than this to people who *are* native to English. If you hadn't told me that you weren't, I wouldn't have had a clue.
It was a very good read.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Thanks, Shady!
I really appreciate when people take time to review grammar stuff, critics are always welcomed ^_^
Poor Lord Soul with me, hahah
As for it being modern, that was planned for a few of them (like Reo, sometimes Lucas and some others), while there would be others (like Zephyr, whom I won't spoil though you won't meet him yet very soon), who should talk in more old-English-ish style :p Yet to see if I actually did it, though >.<
Hi there! You get my 666th review! I manage to start it at 11:56, so I consider it a personal success. Whoop!
I would really love it if you expanded upon this soonly.So, Aria, welcome to YWS, congrats on Nano and such a good forst chapter came out of it!
For a non-native English speaker and native speaker, this was beautiful!
I like the concept and the whole dad-kid relationship you have here. Anyway, some other comments:
Conversation - You handled them pretty well and they seemed natural. Good job on that.
Flow - This was where I thought you could improve. As in, you could work on how one sentences flows/blends in with the next to give the reader a seamless journey.
I like what description you have here. It's a good amount - not too much, not too little.
Characters. Soul is being developed really well. However, I feel the others have a little less screen time right now. I'd like to see that grow as well.
The scythe seeems pretty important. It would be cool if there was some more description or info about that,
I get it this is Nano, and therefore huge, so I'll let rest of my comments stay away.
Cheers and happy new year!
Wow, I'm honoured for being the 666th
I didn't finish this because, well, I didn't like the way it looked like. If you read on, you'll see it misses a lot of things - I had big plans for it all later, though, but it's.. Meh.. Anyway. :p
Thanks for the review
But I'm glad you liked the things that managed to turn up the right way ^_^
As for it being huge, it's actually really small compared to the longest novel I wrote, haha
Thanks again, and happy New Year to you too! ^_^
Alright, hey there Aria, Louis here to review.
First off I would like to commend you -- this is remarkably well-written for somebody who isn't a native english speaker, and posted this piece at five in the morning. I'm somewhat impressed, in fact.
Secondly, this chapter was enjoyable enough to read. It presented, as far as I could see, no particularly greivous grammatical errors, and no gaping plot-holes either. Kudos to you.
However, there were indeed some minor grammatical errors, and although I won't hold them against you, I will point out a few of them below.
That 'did' is redundant, in fact I believe it's incorrect, though (again I am not sure) it was used in older English literature.
Should be 'could.' You repeat this mistake in other places, actually, as well as confusing tenses in some places. Also, about this little paragraph. It, in my opinion, makes the senior reapers come off as cold and aloof, instead, that's not what seems to be the case based on the dialogue between Soul and his father.
I'm just taking this as an example, but it is a mistake that, I'm fairly sure, you make throughout the entire chapter: the highlighted comma goes inside the speech marks.
And with this, I move onto nit-picks of another sort.
I would, at this point, have liked at least a sentence describing the demons/what they do/why they exist/etc.
Furthermore, after reading this, I'm not sure exactly what the reapers do, specifically, though I can make assumptions.
Reapers, like demons, are very cliche and overdone. This because they are interesting to read about (I'm reading this after all, no?). However, they must present an element unique to your story for them to be truly yours. Otherwise, meh, it's been done.
Overall, this was, I repeat, quite enjoyable. However, one more thing, it lacked description, both of the characters and the places.
Hope this helped
~Ita
Thanks, Ita!
(Why did you change your name?)
Ok, so..
I know demon and reapers are rather overdone - I did, however, give them some features I haven't seen before.. But it's either later in the story, or still in my head and drafts, which both, I know, mean nothing xD
As for the descriptions, especially compared to what I usually do, this is meh.. But I'll do my best to change it if I ever start writing it again.
Thank you, thank you for the grammatical corrections, I tend to do both - such with tenses and use old English, haha. As for commas and speech marks, I'm glad you told me that, because in Croatian it goes from the outside, so it's really good to know since I switched to writing in English ^^
Again, thanks for everything - feel free to review me whatever you wish anytime ^_^
He thinks it's clever. Say it outloud.
Shaddup, PhantomSnake ;3
As for Aria -- yes, you did in fact introduce new elements, I have nothing to say on that regard.
And ooh, Croatian. I see. No worries!
I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for your work
Cheers.
Shaddup, PhantomSnake ;3
As for Aria -- yes, you did in fact introduce new elements, I have nothing to say on that regard.
And ooh, Croatian. I see. No worries!
I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for your work
Cheers.
Well, I liked the II better (both were cool "things")
Also, you're one person at the beginning of your review, and the other in the end. I know that you know. What's up with people changing their names so much lately, someone hunting you?
Anyway, I shall go with the old one when I happen to run into you somewhere and talk.
Yeah it's 8 am and I haven't slept. And what's worse, I'm not only writing random comments, but parts of stories as well. Wonder how that will turn up. But, oh well.
Cheers ^^