A million little fish swimming in a huge blue sky
swimming for the moon
The sun reflecting off their silver skin
like a sky full of bright stars they look
fisherman look above at them with awe
The fish fly into clouds and threw the arcs of rainbows
Some fish make it to the moon
see them at night swimming in moon's watery white surface
Oh how they shine
swim away swim away fish
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Firstly I want to congrats you because it is your first work over Young Writer Society. I hope it is a great experience for you and you are enjoying to stay here.
Now it's time to review your poem "Swim". The title of your poem is average not good. Yes it is short but not descriptive that's why I ranked it average. Now when I come to the theme of this rhyme I feel glad to see it. You successfully draw the beauty of nature in full moon night. You select a common topic but describe it deftly. Your poem reminds me my childhood when I slept under the naked sky in our agriculture field. We try to sketch some pictures with the help of stars, really it is funny. I salute you to reminds me some untouchable moments of my life.There have some unanswerable question that embrace me. Overall your poem is good. I want to see you again through your next poem. Thanks .........
Hello!
Nice job using the smilies and metaphors! Very descriptive, though the phrase 'like sky full of bright stars they look' seems a little awkward to me. Maybe you should try rephrasing it. I love the overall idea of this poem, and the first and second line really enchant me. Very beautiful!
Keep working hard!
~Owl
This example of writing is amazing. You are extremely descriptive, and I believe the use of similes in this writing added a longer lasting affect. Even though your writing is brief, it tells a story. I believe this kind of writing isn't appreciated enough. If you continue writing like this, not necessarily about fish, you will be a very successful writer. All in all, I am a big fan. Keep writing!
Hi there! First off I wanted to say that I loved it! I have never really thought about the perspective this poem gives, however I did find a few places where it was a little difficult to read.
"Swimming for the moon" While I totally get the drift of this sentence, it makes the reader kind of hesitate for a moment to let the phrase sink in. Maybe if you added a little something to make it a bit longer and have a little more meaning for the reader to bite down on, such as "Swimming for the moon, for the stars" I'm not really sure since I'm not the writer.
"The sun reflecting off their silver skin" since to add the word 'of' after the word 'off' in the sentence might make it too long, I might rephrase this as "The sun reflects off their silver skin"
"Like a sky of bright stars they look" I agree with Satira on this one so--what she said
"The fish fly into clouds and threw arcs of rainbows" I would suggest changing the 'threw' to 'throw' here. But also the 'fly' doesn't make much sense if you are talking about swimming? I'm not sure.
Last but not least, on the last line you might want to include some apostrophes to break up the sentence and give it the reader a way to read it more meaningfully.
When I first came to look at this I wondered what it would be about, but had expectations that it would be about swimming as in the physical exercise. This was positively beautiful and wonderfully creative. I hope to see more!!!
oh my god, I loved the idea here. it's more imaginative than a lot of poems I see around here (not naming names). Welcome to YWS, and I hope you enjoy your stay
some things I have to say about it that could improve it:
the second line is phrased a little awkwardly, but rephrasing it as, "they look like a sky of bright stars" doesn't sound right either. And in this poem, do you mean that the fish ARE the stars or they look like them? because if the stars are fish, than nobody in the world would think that they are brilliantly lit balls of gas. They'd be fish. or something simpler...like fireflies or something.
the fifth line has the words, "below" and "above" very near each other, which makes the line confusing. You could drop the 'below'. everybody knows that fisherman don't float in the sky, right?
why do the fish swim to the moon? What attracts them to the moon? If the stars are fish, shouldn't the moon be something else, too? these are just questions about the sort of...world you've created here, and since it is yours, you don't have to answer it in your poem. But I love unanswerable questions, so I'm going to muse about them anyway.
I can't wait to see what else you put out on this site. This was such a beautiful image, and so original... I bet you have a million more.
~Satira