Screaming, hospital sirens above her head
Red and blue everywhere
It hurts when she tells you, "I'm, Ok."
The sounds of men in white above her head.
Your shaking, hand on her shaking, hand.
Her shaking, hand on her shaking, heart.
You can hear her heart speak, With its high pitched voice.
And now her high pitched voice.
As she chokes.
Her bright, green, teary eyes.
Stare at your blurred, funny, face.
Men cover her cold, trembling lips,
That you used to feed, with a plastic oxygen mask
Her heart sings to you.
Then soon goes flat.
The oxygen pulled and stolen, from under her yellow skin.
Her body tightens, her lips pause. Your lips pause.
The blood in her flows one last time.
like a river of cold, icy, water.
That soon freezes and stops.
Place in her grave those pink flowers she used to like. . .
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Okay, first I want to say that I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, but I'll do my best.
You don't need a comma between screaming and hospital.
This is a kinda redundant. Too many shaking and hand. Put a few different words in there.
Redundant again. You need to omit one of the high pitched voices.
I think you need to add something one to the end of this. Like, and know that you will never see her again. Or, and walk away. These are just examples. You can do whatever you want with your poem.
Well, besides that all I can say is good job, that was a beautiful poem, and, of course, KEEP WRITING!
Hi! This is my first review so bear with me. First off, I really enjoyed this poem. I found it exciting and very well written. The only part that confused me was "Your shaking, hand on her shaking, hand. Her shaking, hand on her shaking, heart." However, my advice to you is if you are really proud with this poem as a whole, do not change anything. Each reader will have something new to add to your list of changes, but if changing these things will only satisfy the reader and not the writer, do not change them. I think with poems, editing is not necessary because the original piece is what the writing was feeling at that time. It is most important to stay true to yourself. Basically what I am trying to say is: this is a great poem, why change it for other people?
I hope I did not confuse you too much.
Keep writing great things!
-Eva Iro
Ok, this was a really amazing piece! Of course as usual I have a few little picky things. For starters, when you say,
"The oxygen pulled and stolen, from under her yellow skin."
I would take the comma out completely and replace yellow with pale. The reason being when you say that it creates a strange picture in my mind. No person is bright neon yellow.
Then when you say, "The blood in her flows one last time."
Take out the period at the end and replace it with a comma, because the next line is not a complete sentence without it.
Otherwise I think this is a fantastic poem! All I would say is really keep an eye on your punctuation.
Keep Writing!
~Spaulds
Hi, Darkthorn here for a review.
Let me just say, this piece is captivating and intense. One of my favorites so far.
The lack of stanzas normally makes for a difficult read, as it causes the brain to fly through the reading piece, however, it works brilliantly here. The reader is meant to rush through it, because its this jumble of happenings between a dying girl, and who I assume would be her maternal figure, while the mother is panicking.
Just out of curiosity though, with regards to the very first line, are the sirens screaming or is the mother screaming? I feel it causes a tiny bit of ambiguity, but that's just my opinion.
Also take a look at the line "The oxygen pulled and stolen, from under her yellow skin."
A part of mind mind thinks it should be read: "The oxygen pulled; stolen, from under her yellow skin."
Other than that, I find this piece quite well written, and am looking forward to more like this from you.
~Darkthorn