There in a waterfall lagoon, where the waterfall rains diamond rocks
gathers a group of uniquely colored people. Their skin glows radiantly of their color
one man's skin a bright red, another, a woman, a florescent yellow.
All these people of different color and tint walk into the lagoon's rushing spring waters.
As the people dip into its depths, the color of their skin washes and drips, and runs into the lagoon's water.
Their true skin is revealed. A fragile glass, their skin transparent.They begin to appear like ghosts made of silver.
The people approach the waterfall at the center of the lagoon
Their beautiful glass body is broken by the diamond rocks raining down the waterfall.
Below the lagoon their broken twinkling shards sink. eventually accumulating into a what will
look like a white burning fire glowing from underneath the lagoon.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello, happy review day!
This is a very interesting poem that hooked me quite quickly. You use amazing imagery to influence the point that a reader can create for themselves. You create a beautiful picture within the reader's head and make it an enjoyable experience for them. Personally (from the skin imagery) I feel like this poem talks about how everybody is the same inside, regardless of skin colour. You then proceed to say that these revealed bodies are shattered. I can picture this as the idea that society sometimes likes to repress this fact. Some would do anything to try and seem different, even if that means shattering their personalities into bits so they can feel tiny.
Nitpicks:
1.It seems that here and there you have not placed a space after the full stop. Make sure you pay attention to your computer pointing this out with a red line.
2.[b]twinkling shards sink. eventually[\b] Eventually should be capitalised.
3. I would suggest taking another look at the format of this poem. Try turning the lines into stanzas as it would make the poem look a lot cleaner.
4. You have some unnecessary paragraph spaces at the beggining and end. Either make them two separate sentences or connect them. It would make it a lot easier for the reader to realise that they don't need to pause.
5. Like Aley said, you have some sentences here that could easily be connected with at least a comma. E.g. [b]gathers a group of uniquely colored people. Their skin glows radiantly of their color[\b]
I would imagine it would sound better if you put a comma before their than a full stop.
I think that's all the nitpicks...
Overall, whilst there were quite a few grammar mistakes, I really liked this poem. You grabbed me and took me through an inspirational pathway.
Keep writing
Well, that's all from me,
Godly
Hello CristopherGarcia!
Welcome to YWS. My name's Aley and I'll be reviewing your poem today.
First off I'd like to echo what the others have said, it's very unique and well thought out. You've got a definite idea here that's being conveyed very well as an image that we can hold onto. This last image, especially, of 'white burning fire' is very well thought out, and while it's not completely described as well as I'd like, it is clear what it comes from, and how it is formed, and that gives it more of a sense of reality than just the description like in some poems. The general plot of this is good, and the moment is good too, you're not trying to take on too much in this poem, which I appreciate and applaud.
With that said, I think there are ways to improve this poem. First off, as Zhia mentioned, you have a lot of non-standard grammar here. This makes me think that you've either been having trouble formatting here on YWS, or that you're doing it without being aware of it.
Right now you have some periods that are interrupting ideas which would naturally flow together and help convey the message. For instance in "One man's skin a bright red another, a woman." you have that period there, but tacking on "a woman" doesn't make much sense when you just look at that sentence as that. If you make that period a comma, you get the reality of the sentence. "A woman, a florescent yellow." The problem is that the first three lines are all one sentence right now, and "A florescent yellow" is not a sentence. The first several lines have multiple verbs too, which means they can be multiple sentences. Personally I'd rewrite this as such:
"There in a waterfall lagoon, where the waterfall rains diamond rocks
gathers a group of uniquely colored people. Their skin glows radiantly of their color
one man's skin a bright red, another, a woman, a florescent yellow."
This changes the verb glowing radiantly, but not much, and I don't think it damages the flow too bad, but that's up to you to decide.
YWS actually has an amazing resources section on here that you might find beneficial both about poetry and grammar which covers a lot of everything. I'll highlight a few amazing posts so you can check them out if you'd like. I even go back and reference these articles a lot, so they're good to know.
The Great Grammar Compendium
Punctuation Marks
How to format your poetry on YWS
Secret Treasures in Poetic Devices
Capitalization in Poetry
The first two are just different places where you can find things about grammar. The middle one is how to format on YWS so it looks like you want it to, be sure to skim the comments, they have other ways of doing things too, and the last two are specifically about poetry.
I hope they help you as much as they help me, and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-Aley
This is really original, I love it. The concept is really special and it's very well described. Although your grammar could use a bit of work, that's the only thing I can think of to improve it. This poem could make a really good storyline in my opinion, well done!
Woow. Apart from a few grammatical errors, this is a really good poem. I might come back to review this later.