Published July 7, 2026
*This story is underneath my folder titled “Witch’s Wonder, Hell’s Hate”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842. Enjoy!*
Prince Joseph grimaced as he stared at the green mucus on his arm. He was in his room, underneath piles of fluffy white blankets and feeling like he was drowning in them.
He liked to wander around town once in a while, just to get away from the castle and see what everyone else was doing. Yes, he did get a handful of stares from the villagers, including one from a pretty girl around his age with sand-toned brown eyes, but he was happy to be with life.
And to be away from his mother. She was not only the Queen, but she was practicing magic that he didn’t understand so that she could have more, rule better. Joseph asked her more but she always told him that it was “her business” and that he “shouldn’t bother her”.
Well, he couldn’t be away from her at the moment, with his sickness. He didn’t know where it came from, but he guessed that it was from somewhere outside.
The blankets were hot. He was hot. But his body felt so heavy. How could he move them away when it felt like they were pressing so deeply down on him? Joseph didn’t. He lay there, waiting for the servants to come and take care of him, wishing that the sickness had the ability to disintegrate him.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his bedroom door creak open. In walked his Mom, her purple ballgown swaying on the floor. She held something in her hands that he could not see.
She sat down on an armchair next to his bed and said:
“What did I tell you about staying out in the slums too long? You’ve caught one of their diseases and now I have to cure you.”
She shook her head as she said that, as if she were completely disappointed in him. But it wasn’t really the slums. Mom would call anything “the slums” that wasn’t their sparkling castle.
He tried to sit up by propping an arm up on the pillow. But he kept slipping every few seconds, so he stopped. He might as well just lie down and hope for her to go away.
“I’d hardly call it the slums, Mom. They just don’t have the riches that we do. Besides, spending time with them isn’t the end of the world. It shows that we’re human, that we care, that-“
“Rest now, Joseph. Drink this. It will help.” Mom smiled, opening up her hands.
He could see that she held a small glass bottle filled with coal black liquid. A potion she made, perhaps. She uncorked it and raised the bottle to his lips. No, he would not drink it. His lips stayed firmly shut. She wouldn’t make him. He bit down on his bottom lip, hard, so hard that he tasted blood-
His mouth opened involuntarily and he tasted the strange, sour concoction his mother had made just for him.
Hopefully whatever happened next would be better than his sickness.
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141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Yay, more Witch’s Wonder!~
Love the first sentence. I like how you show WHERE he is and also what his current problem is :3
But then, I feel like the second paragraph doesn’t really follow from the first? I expected at least some sort of comment abt the mucus?
Hm alright, the beginning is strong but now we’re in “telling” territory instead of showing. Maybe you could have come up with specific examples to show the relationship between Joseph and his mother?
So maybe instead of having him wonder abt the town in the second paragraph, you could instead go along the line of “this stupid illness prevents him from doing all the things he wants to” and “not even his mom, despite practicing magic, could figure this out” and then, he could speculate abt how he got the illness, maybe bc he was outside the castle so much. Just a thought ^^
Oh that is such a good line to describe his mental state: “wishing that the sickness had the ability to disintegrate him“
I would also love some more details on why he’s so against drinking the potion? Maybe because he doesn’t trust his mother, but why? (I know why ofc but it would greatly enhance this piece if you could slip the information naturally in here! :3)
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hey there, it's been a while!
So I can tell you have a good sense of character conflict in this story - I especially enjoy how you've developed Prince Joseph here. I like that he has opinions, curiosity, and kindness, but also that something is definitely festering beneath. I really enjoyed the detail that he wanders around town because he wants to see what everyone else is doing. It shows that Joseph does not want to be trapped in the castle, and that makes the room full of blankets feel even more smothering. The sickness is also described well too, like how the heat, heaviness, mucus, and blankets pressing down all make him feel physically uncomfortable.
The mother is interesting as well! She immediately creates tension because she sounds caring on the surface (she comes in with medicine), but the way she talks about the villagers makes her seem cold / unfair. Calling the town "the slums" tells us a lot about her personality; that's such a heinous way to view the town! I thought Joseph’s response that people without riches are still people worth caring about was fitting -> he seems to be much more empathetic than his mother, and they both seem aware of that.
Though, one thing to work on would be sentence smoothness. I think some ideas repeat or sound a little awkward, like "he was happy to be with life," which is a lovely idea but could maybe become "he was happy to be among people" or "he was happy to be where life was happening." You could also slow down the ending just a little. Joseph refusing the potion is a strong moment, but it happens so quickly that I can't feel his fear before the Queen gets it into his mouth. I know I wouldn't be comfortable with that! Maybe add a few details: her hand on his chin, the smell of the potion, his heartbeat, the way the bottle touches his lip, etc.
Anyways, this is neat! Joseph is easy to care about, and the story makes me want to know what he will go on to do next. I'll see you later, creeper!
best,
cocteau
Thank you for reading and the advice! I’m glad that you liked it!